Teenage son talking about dropping out of school

[RocketSalad]

Teenage son in first year of A Levels (aged 16). 10 GCSE's all grade B - had some stress getting through them but he did it and was quite rightly chuffed with the results.

He started this year very upbeat, A levels in Chemistry, Biology, Art and Visual Media, the latter he had dropped by half term due to monstrous volumes of work due in at the same time as his true love subject, Art.

I have just taken a call from his Art teacher, saying he is behind with both Art and Chemistry (despite getting predictions just last week of B's for Art and Biology and C for Chemistry). My son was with her - she told me he was clearly very fragile and wanted to talk to me about dropping out of school.

Now I am all for my children being happy so if he had a life plan then I would support him. However no plan at all, not even a short term one. No work available where we live - his father has been made redundant (very well qualified and experienced) and is struggling to find a job. Who is going to want to employ a long haired ambitionless twit - they will certainly look at GCSE results and question why he is not in further education - as an employer myself I know this.

I am so cross - he had the perfect opportunity to discuss with me last night (and at other times too) I am always helpful and approachable (my 3 other children will stand testament to that as would he if he could be bothered to reflect). I suspect he knows my reaction already hence his sideways approach through his art teacher.

Bare facts - I simply cannot afford to support him if he is not in school - I am a single mum already working full time and the only financial support I receive comes from the government.

I guess I am so cross and upset right now that this has been something of a rant but I would value any advice that may help me calm down and/or see things from his perspective! Ta x

"Fragile" isn't used without reason. Rant here, not at your lovely boy.

Is there a support unit at his school who can take him under their wing?

I think there is a big problem with how A levels are "sold" to teenagers when what happens in reality is that there is a massive step up from GCSE which needs to be done very quickly. If he has exams in January and he is doing a coursework heavy subject he will probably be feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. The run up to the Christmas holidays can be very pressured for science subjects.

Yes I understand how you feel as teenagers don't tend to be very good at forward planning and it is annoying to get this message through a teacher when you were perfectly happy to talk to him. DD1 waivered about wanting to drop out of sixth form for ages and we said she had to have a plan for something else before she left. She muddled through and is now in her second year at university.

If school know he is behind then that is a good thing because its all out in the open. His Art teacher seems sympathetic and he should talk to her about a plan to get back on track she won't want to lose a good student. Chemistry A level is a difficult subject, DD2 is in year 13 and this time last year the chemistry department drove me mad because they kept setting past papers and they were taking DD2 ages to do them because she wasn't quite at the right level to manage them - and extra week of going over stuff in the classroom would have been much more helpful (she's an A grade student but was floundering at that point). She managed to get on top of it all in the Christmas holidays when she didn't have all the past papers to do!

So my approach would be sympathy and then how can he be helped to get back on track.

Can he change courses and do something different that is more in line with his ability?

He might be in a bit of trouble with his teacher and spinning a story to her to get him out of it - oh poor fragile me, my parents don't understand me etc. Or, maybe he really does want to leave and us frightened to speak to you knowing you won't like it. Just speak to him when he gets home and listen to him. His predicted grades sound ok for someone on b grade GCSEs. It is a big difference between GCSEs and 6th form. I think it surprises a lot of students and parents. The main thing for him is not to rush a decision one way or another. Has he just done chemistry practicals? Did they go well?

I failed to mention that at 11 he was a high achieving student, that he sat his GCSE science two years early and got a B. He was online for straight A's at GCSE having achieved level 7's (8 in Maths) in his SAT's. His first year of GCSE's was spent cruising and he was then under immense pressure to pull it back (as much as he could at that stage). He did the meltdown thing then too with tears and not coping. I took him to our GP who referred him to a pyschotharapist for assessment. The assessment revealed his meltdown was (in a nutshell) as a result of lazy ass cruising and the solution was to pull his finger out and get on with it and no counselling necessary. In other words his laziness had been revealed and he had no choice but to knuckle down and do the work necessary. He did and got B's.

There was a plan to switch schools for A Level for one with a higher academic profile (where his younger brothers attend) but he opted to stay at his original school, using the argument he knew the teachers and students and had come to terms with work ethic. He promised (himself more than anyone else) he would keep on top and if he was struggling seek help. Giving up Vis Med to focus on just 3 was a concession - he needs 3 A Levels to get onto the Art Foundation course he wishes to take after A Levels.

Elder sister has been through this school and he has seen the stress and work involved (she took similar subjects) - she is now at Uni studying Child Psychology. I have a Science Degree and have offered times to go though any subject matter he is struggling with. Horses to water etc.

At half term he was on track - I spoke to a teacher who mentored him through his last 6 months of GCSEs and she was singing his praises, as was his form tutor who seemed to think he could end up with A's and B's at A Level.

Reading back through the above I probably sound a little harsh - how I rant on here and how I approach him are two different things. Of course nothing is black and white and there are no comparisons to be made between him and his siblings.

Sympathy is there in bucketloads along with support on so many levels but perhaps he needs a kick up the arse instead?

Thanks for the insightful responses all - especially comforted by webwiz who cites similar experience with her daughter.

DD1 was very bright but certainly lazy - she discovered fairly early on that she could do ok without trying very hard. She managed to do ok at GCSE level (mostly by me absolutely insisting she revised) and I hoped that when she went on to A levels the fact that she chose her subjects would make a difference.

She actually worked very hard in the first term and revised really well for the first modules but after that it was completely downhill. She didn't like the atmosphere at school, she didn't like her friends any more, she didn't like any of her teachers , she didn't like any of her subjects - it was all a bit of a nightmare. If she had a reasonable plan for what she wanted to do instead then we would have let her leave but I didn't want her to leave sixth form just to stay in bed all morning. In the end she missed the grades she needed for university but her first choice university took her anyway. She is completely different now, she works hard (and plays hard) and missed a first by a couple of marks at the end of her first year.

Unfortunately teenagers live in the "now" and that is what concerns them. Is he close to his older sister? DD1 said if she could have visited someone at university and seen how much fun it was she wouldn't have risked not getting in.

Web, where your daughter was is exactly where my ds is now. He really doesn't like anything at all about school right now, seems to have drifted away from most of his friends (tho' not fallen out as such), and all he thinks about is where he'll be in 5 ior 7 years time, but really hates where he is right now.

Sigh.

He's going through what I think is a Holden Caulfield moment. I half expect him to walk out of school and onto a plane to god knows where at any moment.

Sorry to hear that Mumblechum its awful seeing them go through it. DD1 behaved terribly throughout the whole time and took up masses of attention from me, DH and her very caring teachers (she has a very selective memory about it all now). Lots of people said to me "oh if she isn't academic just let her leave" but that just seemed like giving her permission to give up. In the end me and DH just said finish your A levels then you can do whatever you like. Fortunately university has worked out much better than I could have ever expected.

I thought we'd get an easier ride with DD2 who seems much more straight forward than her sister but she ended up with glandular fever in year 12 so that brought its own challenges. Teenagers eh

Can't live with 'em, can't send 'em back.