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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DS (13) - is this normal attitude?

9 replies

tempnamex · 30/11/2010 23:08

DS (13) was in a fight with another boy at school today, egged on by a couple of classmates, and ended up hurting the other boy (grazed his face), before the fight was broken up by a teacher.

DS has no history of fighting, and no particular grudge against the boy he was fighting. I had a long chat with DS this evening, getting the full story out of him, but what concerns me is that DS appears to have no sympathy for the boy he hurt.

He says he is only sorry that he was caught, he does not appear worried that the other boy was hurt. He is going to apologise to the other boy, because he knows it is expected behaviour if one is caught fighting - but if they had not been caught, he cannot see that he has done anything he would have to apologise for.

Is this normal at this age?

How can I help him to develop empathy?

OP posts:

WingDad · 01/12/2010 00:32

He probably thinks he was provoked, which he may well have been. Also, he might not have been the one who threw the first punch, I've been in fights where the iniatiator gets a bit of a beating (and that's all I'll say on that...moving on...)

He should apologise of course, I would want my sons to apologise to anyone that had hurt, no matter what had happened beforehand.

Violence isn't the answer, but 13 year old boys don't think about that at the time.

Is it normal behaviour? Well, it's not UNUSUAL behaviour, boys scrap all the time; your son isn't going to grow up to be a hooligan. He'll learn in time.

whiteflame · 01/12/2010 05:04

was it an 'organised' fight? where both your DS and the other boy had agreed to fight, maybe even for entertainment than a particular disagreement? rather like a boxing match..

if so, i would agree with your DS, the other boy knew the stakes.

if that's the case the emphasis would just shift to 'why you don't have fights for fun'

Goblinchild · 01/12/2010 06:59

You got the full story, including the reasons for the fight. If your son felt justified in fighting, that is probably why he isn't sorry about it.
To be logical is a normal boy response, if you fight, you are trying to hurt someone.

mumblechum · 01/12/2010 14:13

I think Wingdad is probably the most qualified of us to comment.

As women, we usually just don't "get" the fighting impulse that boys do. Your ds is 13, testosterone is raging, anger management is often not very good at this age, and he clearly felt provoked.

So long as he doesn't get into the habit of doing this regularly, I wouldn't worry about it.

Original poster

tempnamex · 01/12/2010 21:37

Thankyou very much everybody for your advice

OP posts:

marriednotmulled · 01/12/2010 22:14

My DS (13) got into a fight last week, very out of character for him.
Started off cussing one another, other boy kicked DS's new coat around the floor so he just went for him. Came off worse (got a call from school to collect him as he thought he'd broken his thumb).

Not at all contrite, he felt totally justified. Hormones have a lot to do with it IMO.

Am hoping it won't become a habit though.

Developing empathy is usually manageable but not to peers who wind them up it seems

Niceguy2 · 02/12/2010 00:19

Marriednotmulled, I agree with your son.

Look at it this way. The other boy kicks around his new coat. He can either:

a) Go ratting on him to a nearby teacher. At which point coat is probably ruined and DS will be branded a grass/snitch and lose most of his friends.

b) Show him its unacceptable by clocking him. Win or lose, he'll get respect from his peers and more importantly, the other boy whom will think twice now before starting anything.

The irony is of course as much as I can understand and even sympathise, as a parent & adult you have to still toe the line that its unacceptable!

Tortington · 02/12/2010 00:38

i'd say it totally depended on what the fight was about, the circumstances around it and who threw the first punch.

i can honestly say that i wouldn't insist my children apologise for fighting physically for something they believed was right.

Tortington · 02/12/2010 00:43

yeah absolutley niceguy,

ds then aged 13 caught a lad trying to steal his bie from the bike sheds at school, a fight started, ds things wern;t ever touched again i can tell you that.

DD aged 13...a Boy was really verbally laying into her..the boy was standing on one of those low walls..dd pushed him - he fell off and was hurt. I didn't make her apologise. he shouldn't have been stupid enough to start on someone whilst standing on a pissin wall

again. dd wasn't ever bullied at school.

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