So stressed and emotional how to help ?

[mamatomany]

She's 10 but has been like this for a while.
She fights with her younger siblings and then when I intervene I am the bad guy, all I do is split them up and then send to their rooms to calm down.
I am sick of listening to both sides of the story because it's 9/10 the little ones 6 and 8 have "annoyed" her and she belts them.
This is most days.
We don't smack her or the others haven't for 5 years or so even then it was a tap on the bum to make the point.
So where is this anger and viloence coming from ?
Today she kicked off because she overslept, we got up at 7.15 and were out the door for 8am so she wasn't late but she made everyone's life hell, tore photo's off the wall, threw things around her bedroom etc.
Refuses point blank to tell me or her dad what's wrong, growls at us.
Honestly the child has everything you could wish for, 2 parents who love her, a great school, friends, own bedroom, toys gadgets, nice clothes.
If I'd had half the life she has I'd have been delighted. What can we do with her because if this is the start of things to come i'm going to go off my dial.

The first two words of your post say it all -
"She's 10"

She's asserting herself and her "position" in the family without really being sure what that means. Hormones have probably starting roaring too.

If she wants to be the "big I am" then she needs to be given some responsibility. Does she do jobs round the house? Could she have the role of packed lunch packer or washing sorter? That way you can bond a bit while getting through the day and keep her apart from your younger dcs.

DO NOT TIDY HER ROOM. Let her come home and see what she's done and sort it herself. If she's ripped her JLS poster in half then she'll have to tape it together herself.

Thank you.
I will find something constructive for her to do, you are right.

Is everything OK at school? Is she resisting going? What about friends at school?

I'm sure I don't have to tell you but girl friendships are evil things!

Well yes she wants to go is sat by the door at 7.30 am waiting to go giving us all grief.
She gets on with most of the girls, one is a bit of a pain but we keep giving her tools to deal with this girl and my daughter just doesn't, she gets all wound up.
Having said that it's stupid little things this girl does nothing worth getting in such a state over.
The point is we've moved her once because she was desperately unhappy, she'll be moving again next year when she goes into high school and she can get a bus then too so if she wants to stand at a bus stop for an hour before it arrives she can do so.
We've been through all this with her though telling her how much more independent she'll be in just 6 months time but it's as if she can't wait to get there iyswim.
The resulting immature behavior just makes me less confident she can deal with buses, high school etc.

I think the responsibility will make all the difference. Start now with jobs around the house that are her domain and praise her for doing them. Involve her in household decisions - even silly things like which colour tea-towel looks best with the decor or what meat to have on Sundays. Ask her advice on clothes/shoes for yourself. Who should win XFactor and why? Discuss her opinions - let her get them out in the open and she might open up about other things.

All of the above and make sure you draw some rules up for her, sit with her and let her help, to understand that if there is any unwanted behaviour there will be consequences. Such as :- if you hit/throw/swear you will loose your *** (insert favourite toy/gadget, for x amount of time. Make it reasonable, do-able and stick to it.

Put in positive aspects, such as, if she does do job she earns an extra 10p pocket money.

I have a jar for my 8/9 yo at the moment, whenever she does something good or helps me in anyway, she can put 1/2 bits of pasta in the jar. When she fills the jar up, I have promised to take her and her friend to the cinema and lunch. This is her positive reward jar, so I never take any out.