I have looked a after a 13yr, she is my step daughter and has been since she was 6yrs old.
She has /does everything that is decribed below.... arguing, leaving the house, climbing out windows, many boyfriends older then her, smoking, drinking, lying, stealing...etc etc. etc.
The thing is all these things make you angry, which they do and with anger comes stress and shouting! All above is normal behaviour for children of this age and children that have been through difficulties in the past.Also for this day and age....it's different from when we were young.
I deal with her in these ways....
All decisions are hers to be made, at the end of the day this is an important thing to remember.
Absolutely NO shouting, this does nothing for you the child or their behaviour. Would you listen intently and with respect to another adult who was shouting at you...NO
Every word and rules that are made up are to be said in a normal voice and you as a parent must remember the rules that you say and repeat them as you did before. No changing the rules ie.. OK this time as you were good we will stop doing that or ok don't worry about. This puts the child in control everytime, this is something that should always stay with you... whether the control is visible or not.
A child must learn of consequences... find out the thing they wouldn't want to miss and explain....(you must explain at their level what you expect and what are the consequences are to be if they fail, time spans etc.)that this will be taken away from them for 1 hour to begin with. 1 Hour is nothing to a child and nothing to you but if they start realising that this then goes up every hour everytime bad behaviour is visible they will start to take note. Ideas like this are worth practicing.
Respect is the key and this takes along time to get off of some teenagers. You need to make sure that anytime they speak to you badly, swear etc. that you stop the conversation immediatly and remind them that that language is unacceptable. You musn't let one time slip, otherwise they then get the control back since you accepted a fuckoff in the conversation. Sounds long winded but it does work!
Never, never argue back with the child or show any sign of weakness just explain the rules and if need be, just repeat it to them over and over again in the same tone of voice until they realise you are not going to change your mind.
One more thing....Very Important.
TALK TO YOUR CHILD, Laugh and engage them.
You can not say "tidy your room", "Your Grounded", "Stay in your room" and class this as having a conversation or talking to them.
Why not include them in a discussion you would normally have with an adult, for instance " you never guess what happened to me today....".
Your children will start to hold more of a light for you if you just talk to them.
The reason kids react like all the things above is they have issues and pain like all of us but they don't have the mind power or maturity to deal with it.
If you carry on shouting and being demanding your children will hate you and in turn you will hate being with your child. They will not want to come home and niether will you..... thats not how it should be.
Children should always be told everyday they are loved and that they should be given praise everytime they are good, even if it's something as simple as asking nicely.
The decision to improve will always be the childs you can not push them into changing unless they really want to! What you need to make sure of is that you give them choices (which are always the right ones!) to decide for themselves. This way they believe they are in control, instead, you are all the time.
One more thing....
You need to decide what it is you are shouting at is it for normal behaviour or other. Don't shout at them for just be kids and doing the things that you did when you were young!
Good Luck