Teen smoking advice

[josie14]

DH left an hour ago to bring kids to various activities and I am putting the house together and doing laundry. While taking things out of DD school blazer pocket came across cigarette lighter. A glititery girly thing in working order. She is 14 and at drama now. She has a boyfriend - I think she is too young but know I cant dictate totally over her at 14. Enough for me that he is the same age as her. I know he has smoked. DD told me that. He has also smoked weed and am increasingly worried about her being with him. He is a nice enough boy whose family are in crisis right now, parents are getting divorced. My own mother, who smoked for over 30 years was diagnosed with lung cancer a few years ago. After an operation and chemo, she is lucky, she survived. Very few do. But it made an old woman of her. My dd has seen what her nan went through. I dont know what to do for the best. I just rang dd to tell her I found the lighter and we need to talk. I was calm. We have a busy day today, so does she. I said 6pm we sit and talk. Her, dh and me. Any advice on how to handle it?

She just rang me up in tears. She asked to leave drama early to come home. She just told me she will tell me the whole story. I really hope she is not yet addicted. Pray for us, please.

I started smoking when I was 13 and I'm still smoking now in my early 40's after countless attempts to give up (I'll get there one day). It's a shitty crappy addiction to a stupid drug that doesn't even give you a 'hit'. I knew, theoretically, the health risks before I started smoking but it didn't stop me. The trouble is most teens don't really believe that mortality applies to them. I think a better angle to take may be the addiction side - does she really want her life controlled by such a stupid habit?

If you have, among your family and friends, any long-term smokers who wish they could give up but so far haven't succeeded, get them to talk to her - it will be far less easy for her to dismiss what they are saying than anything you, as a non-smoker, can say to her. Good luck.

Ah - cross-posted. Sounds like half the battle is already won. I'll be thinking of you :)

Thank you both for replying. We have had a 'chat' and I dont think she is addicted, so she has told me. She has had about 20 cigarettes over the past month and has never smoked alone. Why she needs a lighter remains a mystery, if she does not smoke alone. I have no choice but to believe her and keep my eyes open. Further advice from anyone with teen smoking would be appreciated.

I'm sorry to tell you that it is unlikely that she has the lighter and does not smoke regularly.

Not impossible, just unlikely.

What access to money does she have?

sorry but I suspect you can multiply the number of cigarettes she's actually smoked by at least a factor of 5 if not more ...

I am that smoker who started at 12. I am now 46 and will kill my DD if she ever starts.
IIWY, i would restrict her cash supply, my parents even went as far as giving me a packed lunch so I didn't have the money to buy 10 B+H. I got a paper round to finance my fags.
It is a horribly addictive habit.
FWIW, I think it's her lighter too. Sorry.

I have a 14 yr old ds - I'm always afraid of what I might find out.

You deserve so much praise for your calmness and ability to talk with her.

Lots of 14 yr olds would have gone off in a strop and refused to discuss it.

You should be applauded for loving your dd and having such a good relationship.

Hope it all works out well.

As an ex-smoker who started at around your daughter's age all I can advise is to try to nip it in the bud now. It is a ghastly habit which as others have pointed out is also a gateway to use of other smoked drugs.

I would certainly recommend restricting her access to money.

It may seem shallow but how about pushing on the self-consciousness buttons which all teenage girls have?

• smoking makes you smell - not just at the time but it gets into hair and clothes
• it makes your teeth and hands go yellow very quickly
• phlegm is deeply unattractive

Perhaps also make clear that the longer term health consequences are not in anyway romantic. My father died of smoking related cancer - of the kidney first, the surgery scar from that meant that he looked like he had been attacked with a chainsaw. He subsequently died of secondary tumours which got into all organs including his brain. He died a child.

Thank you for your advice. I am taking some of it on board. Suzie, I have spoken about dull skin, teeth etc. DD thinks that by smoking she will be thinner. She is not in any way over weight but her body has become more womanly and I think she mistakes this for fat. I am not convinced smokers are thinner anyway but am thinking, as she does, it is part of her motivation. I cant believe I haven't smelt it on her or her clothes and am still hopeful she is not addicted.