Friends

[Teeniebash]

My 13yr old DD has fallen out BIG Time with the girls at school. Started off her fault - she said some things that were less than complimentary about one of them, they closed ranks and now the whole class have fallen out with her. I check her facebook page (with her knowledge) and although I asked her not to retaliate she has and it's getting very nasty. She is now on her own at school, and the friend she did have outside school knows these girls and, well, you can guess. I feel so bad for her. Yes, she has been guilty of foot in mouth disease, but I hate to think of her alone and miserable at school. And now she has no one at weekends too to go shopping with etc. I'm at a loss as what to do next. Appreciate any advice!

I would ask her to consider biting the bullet and make an apology to the group about her comments with no excuses.It will be difficult for her but will show maturity.

Thanks scurryfunge. I insisted she did that in the first instance and she did so, but it escalated again. I'm wondering if I should just keep out of it and stop asking her about it or keep the lines open? It's all her fault that it has happened at all and she accepts that but is so stubborn she can't help retaliating! I think it is beyond fixing now but I don't really know how to help her day to day.

Maybe encourage another friendship group from elswhere then if there is no going back.

Does she do any activities out of school?

Think you are right there. Best she just chalk that up to experience. Hard lesson to learn though.

13 year old girls are horrible hard work!

It will pass and in a short while someone else will be the butt of the class nastiness and they will forget why they were upset with your DD.

It is a hard lesson to learn, but stick with her and she will be ok and back in with friends before too long.
Very fickle age!

I agree with PA. Teenage girls are HORRIBLE!

I see my DD & her friends fall out all the time. To be fair, its usually the same one or two who are always being bitchy & nasty. Usually my DD is the impartial one but sometimes she gets dragged into the whole drama.

I was also deeply unpopular during my teenage years thanks to always being taught to tell the truth to adults and it was a hard lesson to learn not to grass on your classmates!

Best thing to do is to simply ride it out, keep a low profile and eventually the whole thing will blow over.

Yes, they are horrible (including my own!) Thanks for the support. (smile)

When this happened in primary school dd started a weekend drama group. Finding that other kids liked her helped her confidence and now , of course in secondary school all mates again.
I really feel for both of you

Something very similar has happened to my 13 yo dd recently. She was part of a group of girls, all been close friends since age 5. There was the odd tiff every now and again but it was usually sorted fairly quickly. However, 3 of them have completely shunned DD since half-term (so this is now the 3rd week). The problem is that DD doesn't know what it is she's done to offend them - she didn't even see them at half term. She has asked them several times but 1 just sneers and says DD is stupid if she doesn't know, 1 completely blanks her and the other (who has always been her closer friend) is caught in the crossfire and says she doesn't know what the problem is. It is getting to ridiculous proportions now - they have asked teachers to move them in class so they don't sit next to her and whereas they all used to walk to school together, the 3 go a completely different route (much longer) so they don't have to walk with her. She and the other girls in the group are still good friends - they don't know what DD has done either but the 'Silent 3' won't tell them. I don't believe in fighting my children's battles for them but it is getting to the point where I feel I need to do something. DD is very sociable and has lots of other friends outside school but her friends do mean everything to her and she is miserable, even though she pretends she isn't.

Oh, doesn't it just make you want to knock heads together! As she has known them such a long time, maybe ask one of the other parents if they know what's going on? It must be so frustrating for your DD not knowing what she has done and of course she is miserable. My DD has now given up and is spending her lunchtimes in the library. I hope someone takes pity on her soon though. Good luck.

If there are no people in her year who are willing to stay friendly with her, maybe she has friends/acquaintances in other years? Our local school is one where the years mix their friendships pretty much and if you're in the library/music rooms/art rooms at lunchtime, there will be people in other years to converse with and get to know well.

I would also say that another plain apology would be helpful now that a little time has passed. "I was stupid and said mean things I really regret; if anyone wants to be friends again...." - some of her peer group might be okay with that (though not necessarily her old main friendship group). People get tired of the effort of shunning someone, and invariably drift back into chatting a bit. She shouldn't engage with any of the comments etc on Facebook at all, except for a frank apology - it's too easy to get drawn into explanations/justifications etc

All of this is horribly painful for the one feeling it though. I would keep encouraging her to be patient, be lightly pleasant and friendly, not to show signs of distress when rejected (if at all possible) in class/picking teams/work-partners.

Been through versions of this with some of mine, anyway. It does get better and other good friendships eventually emerge from it.

Ah,good advice - thank you! Haven't been on here for a while but the situation seems to have sorted itself out a bit. DD spoke to all of them and said that she was sorry for whatever she'd done to cause offence and it really wasn't intentional. Two of the girls both apologised to her and they seem to be friendly again - they are back to nicknames and walking to school/getting lifts back with each other. They both say they don't know what it was DD did but it seemed to be something the other girl had the problem with. She's still a bit cool and 'off' but DD's not that bothered. The whole thing did bring her closer to other friends too, which is good.

Hello - could really do with advice!!
How to deal with 'frienemies'?
My teenager is a really fantastic friend & daughter, but she is like a moth to a flame with 'frenemies'.
The is 1 really nasty piece of work, who has pulled the same trick since infants.
She finds out what my daughter would really like to go to & 'organises' it, then just before they are due to go there is always some reason that my daughter can't go.
Everyone else goes & mine is left crying at home.
Then they all go on Facebook etc to say what a great time it was.
I've said what I think & now have to shut up & let her get on with it, but how can I help her?
She is always on the edge of groups & they frequently shut her out,
Help help!!