done to death I know, but could do with some perspective ...

[basildonbond]

what is a reasonable bedtime for an active 13 year old (y9) on a school night?

and how do you get them to stick to it?

apparently "no-one else's parents are so weird"

I think my son was going to bed at 9 when he was 13. Now he's 15 it's gone up to 10.30. He had to fight for each increment ...

My first two had really early bedtimes, but although I sent them up to bed, I didn't expect them to go to sleep straightaway, and let them read for a while. I often turned a blind eye to their late-night reading/chatting, because what I needed was just for them to be out of the way so I could get on with my work and have some time to myself. I told them I was off-duty after 8. Selfish parent, me! But they seemed to like time on their own too.

Maybe you could get him/her to enjoy going to bed??

If your child gets up OK in the morning and isn't falling asleep at school or grumpy in the evening, then s/he's getting enough sleep, imo.

You could try saying 'You need to go to bed at this time because you need X hours' sleep and I need some time on my own/with your dad.' Ime that goes down better than saying it's just because they need the sleep - they ca argue that they don't till they're blue in the face - but if you say it's because you want time off, they can't argue with that.

Good luck.

10pm here. pointless arguing about it cos she just eeks it out anyway. as long as she gets up for school, which she does. so its 10pm here. and im not long after usually

sometimes 9 sometimes 10 but they must prove they can get up in mornings otherwise 9 every night

DD1 was going to bed at around 10pm. DS (aged 12) needs more sleep and chooses to go to bed at around 9.45 but we dont get worked up if it turns out to be 10pm.

Perhaps my lot are nocturnal but they are all able to get up for school without grumbling.

He gets up OK, although is grumpy pretty much all the time and school say he seems tired during some lessons

He has a 2 hour training session for his sport every evening (3 hours on Sunday mornings) so is trying to get his body to do a lot more than the average 13 year old ...

I finally got him to turn his light out at 11:20 last night - and he's up at ten to 7 every morning

thoroughly fed up with the constant refrain of "shu'uup" bellowed in the tones of a constipated yak :(

As long as they are chilling out by nine or ten at the latest, I'd leave it up to him. There is no harm in insisting on a 'in your room' rule by whenever you feel is appropriate, IMO.

Ds1 is 14 and goes up at 9, lights out by ten. Weekends it's usually later but if I see the shadows under his eyes I pack him off at 9.

He tries the old 'No-one else goes that early' but gets nowhere with me. In fact he's usually told that if he wants to whine/argue then he must be tired and therefore needs an early night...he generally quits while he's ahead.

Having said all that, occasionally I let him stay up a bit later on a schoolnight but he's sensible enough to realise that when he's tired and grumpy the next day it's because he didn't get enough sleep the night before and adjusts it himself.

I think this is what I'm struggling with - I have two pretty compliant (at the moment!) children who might grumble a bit if asked to do something they don't want to do, but who will do it pretty quickly really - they are also motivated to please, however ds1 is completely different

I don't really know how to enforce a bedtime when ds1 says 'no' ... he's not had any pocket money since the beginning of hte summer holidays as he keeps on losing or deliberately breaking things when he's angry - and I've told him he needs to start dealing with the consequences of his actions. However, his behaviour hasn't changed one jot, so money obviously isn't a motivator ... loss of privileges like ipod/xbox doesn't work either - I have an even grumpier and more resentful teenager who's still refusing to go to bed

where's a 'tearing your hair out' emoticon when you need one

dh can't help as he's abroad most of hte time ... which may have a lot to do with it, but is currently unavoidable :(

It always makes me laugh when I see a bedtime thread. We all worry so much when our teens say "No one else goes to bed at...." and yet there are hundreds of us on here asking the same question. My logic suggests that actually most of their friends do go at a sensible time but just lie to their mates.

I have a 15 year old Dd who has never slept, her bedtime has been 9.30 for at least 3 years. She never manages to actually be in bed at that time. She takes the mick, she cant' get out of bed in the mornings.

I have told her from next week I am not getting her out of bed in the mornings, she has 2 alarm clocks, I think 15 is big enough to get yourself up. I could use the "tearing your hair out" emoticon to.

H'mm, been there Basildon Bond. Things get better - hold on to that thought.

My youngest (15) wouldn't go to bed on time either, and on occasions I resorted to stealing his leads and so he couldn't use his computer. I hid them in the boot of the car (so he wouldn't go searching for them in the flat). I only had to do it twice and no more problems after that.

It's much harder when you're on your own, I think. Maybe you could try the removal of privileges again. Take his xbox away.

A friend of mine put her son's mobile phone in the toaster and stood with her finger on the switch until he went to bed. He went to bed.

I suppose you have to pick your battles. Is your son reacting to your husband not being there? Maybe you need to sit on him, or maybe he needs to talk. Also, it all depends how much you want him to go to bed at a certain time. You have to decide if it's worth making a stand.

DS1 is also 13 and in yr 9 and amazingly none of his friends have a set bedtime either . His is between 9 and 10 on a school night, although generally 9-9.30. He has to get up at 6.30 (school has a weird school day, 8 - 2.10)

Of a weekend it can be 10 - 10.30, but he gets grumpy very quickly so this week I have mainly been enforcing the 9pm rule.

Have spoken to a couple of his friend's parents and their bedtimes are the same.

When I started reading your post I thought you must be sending him to bed at 8.30 or something, but then I read on your second post that he put his light out at 11.20. I'm not sure whether my own experience is likely to be any help but here it is.

Bedtime was one of the biggest issues between DS1 and me. At 13 I was insisting on 9pm weekdays and 10 pm weekends. This was carefully negotiated and rigidley adhered to after years of wrangling.

He did the all my friends thing as well. But he also got up bright and breezy at 7am for school.
I decided I should pick my battles more carefully and relaxed the bedtime rules a lot. He generally still goes about 9pm on school nights but at weekends and school holidays there is no limit and he often creeps up at 2am on a weekend.

I can homestly say this was one of my better decisions as it removed completely a whole area of dissatisfaction on his part and nagging on mine.
Yes he stays in bed late on weekends but I suspect he would anyway.