I need help with my new 12 yo...

[mamateur]

Hello, we brought DP's DN to live with us at the start of this school term (change of city and school). It may ring a bell with some of you who've provided sterling help over the past couple of months. Back story here plus many other threads for the diligent poster to check out

So, we've made really good progress with DN but obviously have quite a way to go.

He's been moved up out of the 'nurture' group he was put in on arrival to be assessed (annoyingly, as this means he has to settle in twice). He only did this under duress because we insisted, supervised his homework for a week or so until the teacher admitted he was way above the level in what was, essentially, a remedial group. He had been spending nearly every day in detention or removed from class to the cool down room.

So this week was his first week in the mainstream class. On Monday he was approached by a teacher to take him to the new class - he refused (but wasn't rude) so the school called me and I asked them to send him home. We had a nice, constructive chat and he agreed to go the next day, which he did and he's been fun and relaxed at home for the past couple of days (so much happier when he's not in trouble).

Today I've received an email from his old form teacher (who is brilliant, and helping with the transition even though he's no longer 'her' student). Apparently in his lessons he's not particularly disruptive (this is a major improvement!) but was not on-task, didn't do all the work and refused to respond when the teacher tried to get him involved.

They've asked me to talk to him.

My only gut instinct is to be very sincere and try and explain how his attitude comes across to others, how we all have to learn to enjoy school in some way as there's no way out of it etc. But I think this might just be blah blah over his head. Also I want to avoid cutting his computer time because I'd rather leave that for when he has actually transgressed,

I would really appreciate any thoughts on this...

What the teacher actually said was this:

Ms X has suggested that DN was off-task during most of the lesson and that, while he was not disruptive, he completed some work but did not contribute at all during class and would not respond when questioned by the teacher...

Can you not leave it till after Christmas given that he's only just moved classes? Give him the rest of the term to settle properly and loads of encouragement for behaving well.

Then clamp down on actual work after Christmas?

Thanks Maryz. I had a talk with him when he got home. He point blank denied he had refused to answer the teacher and just said he hadn't done anything wrong. I said I agreed he hadn't done anything wrong, but that just sitting there, not doing any work or contributing anything was not good enough. I tried to talk to him about how he comes across to other people, how frustrating it must be to teach someone who never responds, etc. He was quite calm and happy, just said he hadn't done anything wrong and didn't know what I was going on about. I'm now expecting him to start with the complaints that the teacher 'has it in for him'.

We're doing incentives - unfortunately he's found a free source of computer games swapping the many he has that his granny bought him. So we'll have to resort to cutting computer time. But how do you change his attitude?

Titchy, i didn't want him to settle in any more in a class he would have to leave. There is no reason for him to be in a remedial class, it just makes me furious they put him there to be assessed.

Oh, sorry Titchy, I see you just mean don't clamp down on the work front. Yes, I kind of agree, he's only 12 after all. I wouldn't be that upset if it was just about bad grades, but it's his whole attitude. I just think we have a 'new' situation with him and we should make clear there are 'new' rules.

He's also refusing the Friday afternoon enrichment programme, he just wants to come home and play his computer game - which he'll play all weekend. We're putting our foot down and saying he must do the enrichment.

On the plus side, he takes all this in very good spirit and generally seems happy.

Maryz, thanks for that, you are SO right. Good idea about showing him teachers will like him back for it. Such a feminine skill though!

If DN doesn't agree with me about something he screws his face up and speaks to me as if I'm a total moron. I've tried to explain to him how that might annoy!

Will he play games with you?

I don''t mean the computer kind but something strategic where you have to take it in turns and talk to each other??

Mine will do this (with junk food provided helps) and it almost teaches them social skills!!

Noteven, we do play stuff together, he really likes scrabble so we have a game of that every couple of days. We also play frisbee in the park (well, I watch). Mainly we all play with the baby. The problem we have increasingly is that he just wants to plug into his computer game. It's like a drug! We've put quite a bit of pressure on him to develop some other activities. He's just agreed to do table tennis at school in the optional enrichment time which is an achievement. But only because we said he couldn't go on his computer game if he came home. Now he's quite happy about it! For him, the hurdle is doing something new.

The social skills thing is weird, because he is actually very funny and charming, he often makes me laugh with his pithy comments.

I'm also thinking of getting him to do parcours. There is a brilliant place nearby where the teachers are young and quite inspirational apparently.

That sounds great. Lovely that he likes to play with the baby too.

Computer games are as bad as drugs (and I say that with the miserable voice of experience), do limit if you can. And you CAN!Although clearly they are not all all bad.

My youngest DS (13) is not happy that his computer games are only available in the kitchen and not allowed all the time but if he could, he would play alone 24/7 and never do anything else. They are so hard to switch off from, they need help in managing the 'addiction' and also, means they have to spend time with us being (hopefully) lovely.

Quite right Noteven. At the moment he has unlimited access to his games but we're aiming to start limiting it. The problem is his computer is in his room which means we'd have to remove the cable to be sure he wasn't playing when he shouldn't, which is also our sanction for nearly everything (we try to vary but it's the only one that is devastatingly effective). We don't really have a firm plan yet, but I'm thinking of making it either before dinner or after but not both, as a hard and fast rule. It will go down like a lump of lead I expect

But maybe if it's after dinner (and baby is asleep??) you could have a new exciting boardgame to play? Or a glow in the dark frisbee??

You sound fab by the way! SO good this kid has you in his life.

Thanks Noteven. It's a bit of a challenge but he is at heart a very lovely little boy. Just very spoiled by his granny and lacking in self esteem. Hoping it will all come right!

I could be the op!!
The above, plus a few other issues could be my son, he's 12 also!
will watch this thread with intrest