I really don't think my son is cut out for further education

[fedup4]

My 15 year old son is due to do his GCSEs this year along with 3 BTECs. He passed two last year (a miracle as he did no work) and only has 3 more to do in the summer but the problem is he just can't be bothered. He doesn't turn up to revision classes and never has, doesn't bother with homework and will only revise when he is forced to.

He is working at C level when his targets are As (I don't understand this when he has never got an A in secondary school ever)

He only revises when he is forced to -
By this I mean I turn off the computer and playstation, sky tv etc etc until he has done some work.

But he is adamant he wants to go to 6th form to do A levels. I really don't think he will be accepted. He thinks he only needs 5 GCSEs but I have pointed out this is a MINIMUM. I even had to force him to read the prospectus after the opening evenings.

He would be a layabout if he could get away with it. He can't even manage to get himself up in the morning. I bought him an alarm clock last week. It worked for 2 mornings and he never got up this morning. I then set the house alarm off. 5 minutes later he was still in bed. I went absolutely beserk.

To add to all this he has had 2 three day exclusions in the last year and was truantiong lessons regularly for a year.

We are over the truanting now but I really can't see how he can go on to do A levels with no self motivation and no self discipline. If we left him to it and didn't bother about his education he would spend 10 hours a day on the playstation.

He says he doesn't want to do an apprenticeship as I will take too much money off him. He basically wants to live rent free after giving us nothing but grief for years.

He can't even be bothered to see the careers advisor - I had to ring her up.

If he is lucky enough to get into college (the school will give him a negative reference if there are any more incidents) I can see him dropping out or getting kicked out.

Do boys like my son ever change? Will he ever motivate himself or will a low paid dead end job be the kick up the backside he needs.

He does hang round with a crowd of unsuitable friends at the moment which doesn't help.

DD1 was very difficult to motivate at that age - her attitude was if I can get a B with no work why would I try to get any higher. I had to practically tie her to a chair in the kitchen to get her to do any revision for her GCSEs.

She got reasonable GCSEs started A levels with a bit of enthusiasm (after not really knowing what subjects to take) and then slipped back into old habits again. She managed to find every unsuitable boy within a 10 mile radius to hang around with and was generally a nightmare for the whole of sixth form. We had to have extra meetings with the head of sixth form about behaviour, attendance and attitude to work and she stayed on by the skin of her teeth.

In the end she didn't get the grades she needed for her first choice university but luckily they still took her and unbelievably that was what finally transformed her. She has just started her second year determined to get a first (she was just a few marks under last year). She is so hard working now that its hard to believe she's the same person.

So what I am saying is just because the motivation isn't there now doesn't mean it won't ever be.

That does give me some hope. We are actually going to take him to an apprenticeship event this evening but I think it is aimed at 16 year olds who haven't achived much at school and didn't enjoy education. I am hoping he will realise that college is the better option.

I am just finding it so stressful at the moment.

The careers advisor suggested I just lay off and leave him to his own devices - if I did that he would achieve absolutely nothing and wouldn't be bothered.

I think he will have to be 18 before I do nothing.

Me and DH felt that up to 18 it was up to us to help to keep DD1 on track and after that it was up to her.

I do sympathise - the whole experience was very stressful and at the time I did wonder whether we would be better off just leaving her to it. Alot of people certainly advised us to but I just couldn't as I felt she wasn't mature enough to understand the consequences.

I spoke to her at the weekend and she told me one of her house mates is obsessed with the xbox and wanted a new game that was about to come out. DD1 advised him to get all his essays out of the way before he bought the game so he could enjoy playing the game without any stress. DH and I feel about laughing at the thought of her giving out sensible advice (and basically sounding like me) when I remember absolutely screaming at her in frustration when she just wouldn't do some coursework!

Sometimes I feel for the sake of our relationship we should just leave him to it and let him bear the consequences but like you I just can't - it's going to be a tough 2 1/2 years.

We are constantly getting agitated and wound up over everything that he does, not just schoolwork. He chooses to do the wrong thing in every aspect of his life - roaming the streets until 1 in the morning being the current thing we are trying to stop.

He is usually the topic of conversation over something that he has done/hasn't done.

He sounds like my ds who is now at college doing half vocational half A levels.He started with great enthusiasm as I think he couldn't believe he had passed his gcses!And the atmosphere in the house was terrible throughout revision etc as he was/is bone idle.He is still more interested in being a man of leisure but I still feel at 16 it is up to us to keep kicking him up the bum.He has got better in general attitude.Hang in there If he doesn't go to college what will he do?

yep hang in there and keep kicking

This is the trouble - he can only think straight A levels as he can't be bothered to find out what else there is.

I have looked into the higher BTECs but I can't see that he would have any real interest in any of them.

The careers advisor said he should really be doing a mix - say 2 A levels and a BTEC.

Apparently BTECs are all coursework so no revision which would be a bonus.

We do really want him to go to college and not get a job - hopefully this apprenticeship evening will put him off

Oh fedup4 I feel for you and watch to see if anyone will leave constructive advice. I feel as if it's my GCSE's the amount of work I do in getting him to work iyswim. I can't just let him sink - and the arguments upset me. If I could buy motivation I would.How do you find out what they are interested in doing when they don't know themselves?

My ds is doing a higher diploma which is the equivalent of 3.5 A levels for uni application plus A level sociology if thats any helpI know exactly where you are .It will all work out although i understand atm you can't believe that!

Don't give up hope just yet.

ds1 did his gcse exams last year and refused point blank to do any work other than a few multiple choice things on bbc bitesize. Somehow he scraped through and is now doing his As levels and loves it. he is a changed child, has cut all his long hair off, takes pride in wearing a suit and sits down to write an essay without me uttering one word!

It really helps that he is doing subjects that he really wants to do. with gcse you had very little choice 7 of his exams were compulsory subjects he had no say about he only chose 3.

If your ds has got high predictions then his teachers obviously think he has the ability. As long as he can reach the 5 passes entry requirements then you might find 6th form is the making of him

I do feel for you. Hang on in there.

My son was/is the same. He scraped through his GCSEs with a miracle.. I virtually nailed him to the kitchen table and he wasn't allowed out until he had competed two past paper (I downloaded them from the relevant GCSE sites) . He hated me. Until the day he got 7 grade Cs..including the vital maths and English.
However he went to 6th form to do media Btec because he couldn't be arsed to look for anything else and is scraping by.. now in final year. He has no motivation and just thinks he will 'find a job'! I had to find his p/t dominos pizza job for him, so I can't see that happening...

I would be ecstatic if my DS would look at apprenticeships even tho he'll be 18 soon.. sigh...

No magic solutions I'm just hoping he will mature eventually. On the plus side he is a lot NICER than he was a year ago (he was pretty vile to be honest) so I know there is hope yet....

(my daughters are both motivated, aced their GCSEs and one is studying medicine while the other is in lower 6th,so I find it soooo maddening that DS just doesn't see WHY making wise choices now matter!)

Maybe if he actually wants to go to sixth form he will use the new start to change. Sixth form colleges are brilliant, different attitude to sixth forms in school and my daughter has metamorphasized since going there.
Good luck!

"The careers advisor suggested I just lay off and leave him to his own devices - if I did that he would achieve absolutely nothing and wouldn't be bothered."

Oh, people like that - they should try, even for a minute, parenting kids like yours (or mine, come to think of it).

I hope you get things sorted long before your son is 25 BUT you might like to know, if you don't already, that funding is available until people reach 25 for level 3 courses ie equivalent of A levels (could be vocational), recognising that there are many 'late developers' out there.

My DS didn't need a school reference for sixth form college - they don't always ask for one, I find. Would it be worth your while speaking confidentially to some folk at your nearby college - student support, academic support, whatever is available. They may offer practical help in the meantime and certain moral support - I shouldn't think there's any kind of teenage behaviour they haven't come across before.

Oh sympathies - my DS is I think really unmotivated/lazy ..
Same story regarding removing everything to get him to revise ,and even not much gets done .
The only thing I'd add is that I think it's tough for those who are not high flyers and who are not motivated .
They are young and I think it's hard to put lots of effort in when you can't see the future /don't know what you want to do .

Colleges ask for references but in my experience they have NEVER refused a place to someone based solely on the reference from school so TBH I wouldn't worry about that too much. Your DS will drop out if he isn't doing subjects that interests him. Mosts colleges will offer a 'try out' session. You might have to take him out of school for the day but it will give your DS the chance to taste the subject before committing to it. Get in touch with the schools liaison person at the college and they should be able to arrange this for you - your careers/connexions adviser should also be able to do this if you have any trouble. Also talk to the head of 6th at school, explain the trouble which you are having around motivating DS and ask them to talk to DS and clearly explain that DS will need to achieve C or above in English, Maths, Science etc. TBH if your DS is going to take a subject at A Level which he has done at GCSE level then he needs to be achieving at least a grade B in it in order to cope with the course at A Level. keep taking him to the open evenings at other colleges and also other 6th forms.