Too harsh?

[bodycolder]

My ds is 16 and at college and has been a bit of a nightmare for a while.He argues everything we say literally even things that are perfectly innocent!He has everything he wants here and we are quite liberal with some thinf=gs and not others.he seems v immature compared to his friends as I know the parents and they say their boys were like ds at about 14/15 but grew out of it.He is rude and ungrateful and does nothing around the house at all He thinks staing at a friends and coming back at 2 the next day is ok even though we say 11 am he has to be home.It is a war zone here atm and we are getting nowhere.He used to get £40 a month from us but we stopped it as he was given EMA.He thinks we are unreasonable to expect him to live off this money and either get a job or budget!How can we get along it seems impossible atm And how do you discipline someone who just blatantly breaks every rule?

its bloody hard,i know,my dd is pushing her luck right now. she used to have to do chores for her pocket money,but with EMA she no longer tries!!!

i always told mine that they can go out, but if they aren't back at the correct time, it's getting in thats the problem. this was born out as eldest ds then 15 slept in the shed. i shit you not.

God custy I wish I had a shed!He could bloody live in it.My ds just thinks everything we ask is unreasonable and I am at my wits end so tired of the dreadful atmosphere and it doesn't help that according to him all his mates can do as they please and parents ar lovely.He used to be so sweet but is just a PITA now.

ignore me, twins are 17 and whilst they have moments of loveliness (esp dd) i am getting increasingly infuriated that i am going out of my way to take them bloody fetch them fucking carry them here there and pissin' everywhere, and when i say no - its like the fucking Arctic in this house. ungrateful gits.

ive lived with messy bedroos for months, i'm laid back and have adopted the shut the door- lifes too short mentality...for months. but its really disgusting....no really, really, disgusting... weeks i;ve been asking, WEEEEEKS, one ore year then i can chuck them out and they can live in a hostel and claim benefits or something.

Agree with you I am at my wits end too.I am fairly laid back about mess but hate being spoken to like a piece of shit.his whole attitude is awful and he thinks its us!

What consequences does he receive for his actions/inactions?

hello 6 months ago i could have written your post op.15 was an awful age for ds.we are beginning to see the light now at 16 and a half. there is hope.

Can you offer additional incentives (cash) to encourage better behaviour? He probably sees the EMA as money that doesn't have to be earned.

Who finances his mobile phone, clothing, computer?.....these are easy to sanction if he is not playing ball.

I sometimes disconnect the internet if he criosses the line but it is torture but I stand my ground.the thing is if we lay down a rule he breaks it straight away.We have said no food in bedroom and he just refuses to do it He does nothing around the house without qa massive row.I am beginning to really dislike him now which is making me sad tbh.I think his ema will stop as he got it by a fluke in last years wages so that will be a godsend really

I do phone but think I will stop that too as he never charges it or answers it.If I say be home at x time he NEVER is.If he stays at a friends he is supposed to come home by 11am today he strolled in at 2 and back out at 3!We have just moved and he needs to change address at bank etc byt hasn't bothered

God teenagers would crack anyone even custy!

It's like going back to toddlerhood sometimes; some rules you have to say, "No deviation" and mean it, others you need to be more flexible about, and willing to negotiate.

I'd give up on "No food in the bedroom" because you're on a loser there. But you could stop having snack-type foods readily available.

So, you tell him to be home by 11am and he swans in three hours later; whay do you want him home then? What are the consequences?

i got all the stuff on dd's floor, clothes, underwear, school books,make up... everything! and threw the whole lot out her window onto the drive this morning.

I had warned her for 3 days i was going to if she didn't clear up. Funnily, she just offered and hoovered whole house!

I am tempted to do that at times mabs!I am fed up with the attitude most of all.he has said if we strt doing what he wants he will feel more like being nice to us How kind of him

I'll try one last time, then give up; so what do you actually do when he speaks to you disrespectfully and swans in three hours late?

I have told him that it is unacceptable.We have stopped money lifts etc and told him that no internet when he does this I stick to my guns he is just unrepentant.if I say he should be home at x time I think he should be.he has college work to do and He has lost his wallet and needs to go to bank etc.I am asking here how others discipline this age group I can't exactly ground him anymore!

I have also completely lost it and told him he is a spoilt little shit who deserves nothing but that makes me feel like crap so am here looking for alternatives

I feel your pain. Would it be possible to sit down calmly with him at some point and discuss all of these issues as adults? I know that at 16 he's not "really" an "adult" these days, but it's not so long ago that he'd have been expected to be earning a wage at that age, not sniding about with attitude.

If you can agree house rules between you he's more likely to see you as reasonable, and to abide by them.

Because you're right, you can't ground him any more, but you're not responsible for his school/college work either.

{grin] He is driving me to drink!Dp has tried to talk to him adult style he was ok for a day or 2 then back to normal.Will try again I think.

Twee as it sounds, we ended up doing family conferences. DH, two DSs and I; everyone got to say what was bothering them, everyone is heard, and negotiations take place. Shouting down is not allowed; we even used a "talking point" - the person holding the wooden spoon/whatever gets to talk, everyone else is supposed to listen (though in practice there was a fair amount of fuming and formulation of arguments going on so you'll probably have to do a good bit of refereeing.)

For example, you can say why you want him in at 11am, he can suggest an alternate time to do the work. You can explain how the washing machine/vacuum cleaner works, and that it's only fair that he does his own washing and cleaning.

(Yes, you do have to ignore his room. Do not break on this.)

You say in your OP that he's a little less mature than his friends, perhaps this kind of thing will help him grow up a bit?

I don't think I could be trusted with a wooden spoon atm!!!

He has come in in a reasonable mood and I am biting my tongue with some of his antics tonight as v tired.We plan to talk tomorrow as dp is home although I expect to get a cold response