DS was 15 last week. He had obviously been feeling low for a while-no obvious reason, I thought it was hormonal, and his birthday wasn't the best day as there was a family get together which he didn't enjoy, but we did go out for lunch and he got the expensive present he wanted so it wasn't a complete diaster.
That night I was on FB when I saw some postings he had done. I had come across one before which I commented on, but thought it was just a 'joke.'However these were very offensively anti-semitic, and there were some other really unpleasant comments- not just from him but from his friends. We have had problems with him running up large mobile bills before, and these had been made from his mobile phone that afternoon at the family get together, he is not allowed to go online on his phone. I was really shocked by the nature of these comments- OH and I sat him down and made it clear how upset/shocked/angry we were. We took his phone off him, blocked his FB account and grounded him so that he could not meet up with the friends that had also been doing this. He then left me a note with blood on it saying how unhappy he was feeling- he had cut himself. By this time I was very upset and left OH to talk to him. DS obviously didn't want to do this, so it felt a little unresolved. OH felt that DS was coming across as miserable to deflect attention from what he had done.
Over the week we made it clear that this was serious stuff. However after a week we returned his phone, reinforced why we were angry and he was very apologetic- he said he did not know why he had done it.
Three nights later I was clearing the computer as it was running very slowly. I found a record of his MSN chatlogs- since his birthday he had carried on with the offensive comments to friends on MSN. Logs form September showed some really appalling comments. He had also managed to post to his FB via MSN. OH confronted him- DS said that he could not'control himself'. We took his phone again- as we did a text came in that suggested he had sent an offensive text (later discovered that he had used the word 'coon'). I got him to deactivate his FB.
Two days later I discovered that he had managed to reactivate his FB page.When I asked him about it he gave me some crap about it being an old account- however it was his usual account. He admiited that he had rteactivated it via MSN and hour after I had made him close it down.
I made him send him send message to the friends that he has these conversations with and tell that they must stop. We had yet another long talk about his behaviour and the fact that OH and I no longer trust him. He is now away for the weekend with OH and DS, just to get him away from the computer. He has got his phone, but on the proviso that we can check it at anytime, and if he deletes anything, we take it off him again. We have also grounded him.
I just don't know where this offensive and antisemitic stuff has come from. He has become very intolerant and will only spend time with people who are into the same music-he is very scathing about anyone else. The problem is that over the past 3/4 years he has found it hard to make friends, and I do not want to isolate him. I am aware that some of his friends are not involved in what he has been doing -however they all hang out together as a group, so it's all or nothing in terms of seeing them.
We really don't know what to do with him. I realise that next to some of the things that I have read on here that this may seem fairly trivial, but I worry that he is starting to see these views as normal/acceptable. I have pinted it out that he has actuall committed the criminal offence of inciting religious/racial hatred. We have talked to him about the need to develop internal controls and until he does we will impose external ones- being grounded, no internet access. THis is why I have given him his phone- so we can see if he can do this.I have also thought about getting him to do some voluntary work. Prior to this I thought he was a fairly easy going teenager-life isn't easy for him as our DD has ADHD.He has always seemed very mature, and so we had trusted him more than I would ever trust my ddaughter.But how do I trust him again?