15 year old DS wants to be with a boy who is bad influence ... help!

[pleasehelpmeasap]

My 15 year old DS is in year 11 and he has had a facination with this other boy, R*, {in same class} for several years.

R* IMHO is bad news and my DS knows that is what I think about him

BUT DH & I have realised that we need to stop telling DS that R is bad news and hope he works it out himself.

R texts him and sends him messages on facebook which DS was replying to. R wants to come here when we are out of the house. {which I only know about cos I have taken his mobile away from him ~ for a different reason BUT DS doesn't know that we know what the messages say}

So what do we do now ~ tell DS we know what the texts and facebook messages say or keep quiet?

His work at school is suffering especially in the lesson he has with R

Would you keep quiet or tell him you have read the text messages and facebook messages?

I would take R out of the equation - so say no one is allowed round if you are out if it hasn't been agreed, tackle the schoolwork and say you want him to work harder but don't mention that it has anything to do with R.

Treat it in the same way as if he had an unsuitable girfriend (I am desperately trying to ignore DD1's appalling taste in boys as I suspected I was making the latest one more attractive with my moaning about him)

Actually that is a good point we wouldn't like any of his friends to come here without one of us around {upstairs in our bedroom with our door shut and watching TV} or cooking their food.

The problem is that DS is very shy and we said for him to invite some of the boys round tomorrow after school for pizza etc and so this morning he said which 3 he was going to invite and then when he came home I said did you ask them and his reply was that he didn't get round to it

btw I said he could invite any of them even the ones that I don't think are "nice ones" hoping he would invite R so that he would see that there isn't anything incommon between R and DS, and that R is just teasing him

I don't want to tell him that I've read the messages but I'm really confused as to what to do

Blimey when you have babies their little problems are nothing compared to teenage ones are they?

If your DS is very shy then that is perhaps one of the reasons why he finds this other boy so fascinating. I wouldn't tell him you've read the messages but instead work on ways to build up his confidence. It is difficult though because at this age they can be useless at organising things but they are too old for you to step in and do it for them.

Could he still invite some friends for tomorrow through faceboook - its less embarrassing than asking face to face.

Thanks guys

I think you have both "hit the nail on the head"

Maybe he didn't want to ask them cos they might have said no {only one of these 3 have been here before and that was with his parents for a BBQ}

His confidence is getting better but his social skills with peers aren't very good, which has been the case since he was in primary school

He is out this evening ~ hence why I can be on MN talking about him so unfortunately he can't facebook them.

oke doke ~ I won't mention the texts and facebook messages

yes having control of babies lives and social activities was so much easier

I do find it hard to let him make the mistakes that I can see coming towards him

Although i know that in a few years he will be away from home at UNI or out at work so it is better for him to make mistakes while still at home, so I am really trying very hard to step back

Thank you so much guys ~ you have really put my common sense back into place and see the "bigger picture"

Seeing the "bigger picture" is always the key with teenagers but not always the easiest thing to do. Glad you're feeling a bit better

Thanks

I thought I would give you guys an update:

Yesterday, R* came over in the afternoon, DH took DS to the station to collect him

R* sat in the back of the car texting on his blackberry without talking to DS

DS asked DH to go to TESCO to buy the pizza while DS and R* came in the house

I was upstairs in our room ~ which is next to DS room

They came upstairs, went into his room ~ when DH came home he asked what time they wanted to eat and R* said he wanted a lift back to the station in 25 mins ~ so he stayed for about 1½ hours {he was supposed to stay her for 4 hours}

I have no idea what happened in the room DS said they just chatted ~ the door was shut the whole time

I had said beforehand that if R* wanted to smoke that "I didn't care 2 hoots as long as he did it outside"

So basically, I have completely switched my gameplan and said that R can come over as often as he likes ~ he doesn't eat anything, drink anything, his arrival meant that DS was exceptional about getting himself washed, and in his new shirt so I said to get R to come over every day before school so that DS was clean and tidy for school ~ this can't happen btw as R* comes to school by school bus and lives a long way away

ANYWAY ~ DS is very confused by my behaviour and can't understand what I am doing ~ switching from saying R can't come to saying I want him to come as often as DS wants him to. I wanted to make R not be the "forbidden fruit" IYSWIM

DS still doesn't know that I have read the texts or facebook messages ~ because of their content ~ he would expect a very strong negative reaction {much stronger than my change in behaviour}

I still don't trust R* but I really want DS to realise that they don't have anything in common and decide that they should stop being friends

This is in stark contrast to the day before when DS went to another friend for 3½ hours {that turned into 4 hours}~ that when DH went to collect DS that they were non-stop chatter and DS didn't want to leave. {DH was talking to the parents while he was waiting}

I have said we are an open house to his friends with 2 conditions ~ 24 hours notice and a max of 3 friends at a time.

I really hope my plan works otherwise I will feel really stupid ~ do you guys think it will?

It sounds like its working already - R sounds a bit annoying and hopefully your DS will work this out for himself soon.