What am I doing wrong?

[Whocantakeasunrise]

Just had another family day tainted by my 14 year old dd.

I honestly don't understand what I have done/am doing wrong.

This could be any scenario you choose but this is today's order of events.

DS asked to go to the beach today, I said yes. He asked his sister if she wanted to come she said no. He said does that mean he couldn't go and I said no that's fine as she can stay at home.

Roll on the time that I'm ready to go out, I asked dh and dd whether they were coming with us, they both decided they were, so great we all go off to the beach.

Great fun had by all on the beach, paddling, sandcastle, piggy in the middle etc. When everyone had had enough I said shall we go to the cafe, everyone wanted to so we went to the cafe.

At the cafe, bought cake and drink for everyone. As we were finishing up dd asked if she could have an ice cream, I said no not after cake and drink. Nothing more was said

DS had one last run around in the woodland, and then we came home.

DD is now stropping and is sat in the hall, won't talk to anyone, and when I ask her what's up I get 'nothing'.

My blood is begining to boil, and I've come on here to keep my calm. But this is what happens every time we go out as a family. One small thing occurs that means she doesn't get her way (no ice cream), and she plays up. Normally in these circumstances I react and my dh has a go at me, for reacting, because I raise my voice, and she sulks and he says just ignore the sulks, and it's my fault for making a deal about it. But I just find her behaviour very rude.

Anyone able to sympathsise or offer advice?

I have one like that.
I tend to leave her at home as I'm past having days out ruined by a moaning minnie.
I prefer taking her out on her own- it's easier.
"family" days out no longer exist in house of deaddei- and do you know, life is so much easier.

Deaddei I wish I could leave her at home/stay home myself.

The problem is her brother adores her, and always wants her to come sulking or not, dh won't go out with the children unless I go too so I can't send him out with the two of them whilst I stay home.

To be honest she's just as bad if it's just her and me, take clothes shopping, we can have a lovely day, spend a fortune on the latest trends, have lunch, one thing will be said wrong in the afternoon, and she hates me, doesn't love me, i'm a terrible mother, and she sulks.

Argh.

Cat64 - are you telling me this is mild???

Good god, how come there aren't more reports of parents murding teenagers in the news then - you lot must have the patience of saints!!!

Mine has taken it to a whole new level, she is moving out to live with her Dad because I say no and daddy says yes and treats her like an adult!

The list of my faults it huge and we never have a good time

You had a nice day, right? I think maybe the problem is that you want her to be a bit more grateful for a nice day out and instead she is just meaning a normal teenager with the silent treatment turned on.

I think the fact that she came out with you and was pleasant when out is something to be thankful for!

Deffo ignore the sulks!

I'm a secondary teacher and have had to learn the hard way, over many years, that if a teenager isn't actively engaging in out and out warfare with you, they're actually probably pretty content! Of course, I WANT them to say things like 'Oh that lesson was amazing, thank you so much' and I want my dds to say things like 'wow mum, you're brilliant for taking me to Starbucks' but it doesn't happen because teenagers have an in-built selfishness gene and think they desrve all of that as their natural birthright! :)

Conversation stumped her the other day - she was saying about how she couldn't wait until the day she could move out of home.

She asked me how old I was when I left home, I told her 16.

That threw her, oh that's young, that's not long from my age now.

Ghoul - I think you have hit the nail on the head, see my young son (many years from being a teenager, is there a tablet I can give him to prevent the teenage years???) does the wow mum you're brilliant for taking me to Starbucks line, whilst my dd rolls her eyes at him.

:) Apologies for all of my typos - I am on here and trying to work as well and have about five screens open plus a pile of books!

Just don't write - should be more grateful, and appreciative of my lessons - on the paper of one of your pupils

Like deaddei we do not have family outings any more it is so stressful as DD 14 is a complete nightmare, sulks, shouts etc. DH gets wound up and the whole family then start sniping at each other. In fact try not to take her out anywhere even on her own as she is so ungrateful.

Take her birthday last week, she had a blackberry a few months back as an early birthday present as other phone died :(, we also gave her £50.00 to buy clothes and bought a cd from DS 8. Face like a wet weekend, insisting she did not get much. That made my blood boil and starkly made a point that there are lots of children in poverty in this country that do not get half of what she gets. Put me in a bad mood most of the day.

Some teenagers can be so bloody selfish.

By the way, you are not doing anything wrong and sound like a good mum who is up for some fun.

I agree that if this is as bad as it gets you should be counting your blessings. It can get one hell of a lot worse .

But two things strike me from what you've said - firstly your DH has a go at you for reacting. Is that in front of her? Does she see you being undermined by her father? Because you really need to be showing a united front - save any bickering for behind closed doors. If your authority is being undermined and she sees a weakness that's not going to help relations. And secondly your DH won't go out with the children unless you go to? Has that always been the case? Because that must put an immense strain on you - do you ever get any time off? Is this affecting your reactions to what seems like fairly mild teenage stroppiness?

Fortunately he will say it later, or if she's gone upstairs, and has slammed shut her bedroom door, and I'm still hollering, he'll quietly say something along the lines 'For crying out loud, give it a rest, you yelling isn't doing anything'.

I get time off, by going out, he'll look after the children at home, and does engage with them at home i.e. playing football out in the garden, or playing board games, so I'll either take myself off to the shops and have coffee, or in an evening go round to a friend's house. Prob get free time every 2 to 3 weeks.

Toomanytimes that's the type of thing my dd would do. Last Christmas case in point, she had 10 presents as did her brother, but her's were 4 times the price of her brothers, but as he's still at an age of car garages for example i.e. big boxes, his looked a much bigger pile. She sulked that his pile looked more impressive than hers!!! Completely ignored a) the contents of her pile and b) the value of her pile.

my DD (15) put on her FB status the other night "can't wait to get out of this house"

I replied with the tel. no. for Childline and an invitation to get a suitcase down from the loft

hey-ho, just another day in the Fucker household

we don't do family days out either, nor does she have any idea that the universe doesn't actually revolve around her

And i am a single mum and dd is 15 and has no contact with her dad so i am battling this on my own.
My dd can be lovely, eg we went out for tea yesterday with my parents (who are both disabled) and dd was brilliant, she sat next to and helped her grandad while i helped my mum and she was funny and had them laughing and she never complained at all.
But 2 days previously she asked me (well grunted at me) if she could have a new outfit for a party she is going to and when i said yes but limit is £30 she just shouted at me something about how could she get something for that, she would be the only one who didnt have new clothes and shoes blah blah blah, i tried to explain that i have things i need to pay and thats all i can afford right now and she sulked for about 24 hours!! She can be awful when she cant have her own way.

She can flip from nice to selfish very quickly, please tell me they grow of this eventually!!