Ok, am I being unfair ??

[MrsMorgan]

Dd1 is nearly 13 and tbh a pain in the ass.

I have been trying to be alot stricter with her lately as she was beginning to get too out of control wrt how she speaks to me, treats me, and thr house etc.

In Sept she had to have a new school tie, and I specificaly said to her to please look after it, because her younger sister could use it in Sept when she starts the school (dd1 has to have a different one then).

So, I come home from work today, and as dd starts talking to me, I notice 3 deliberate lines , drawn on her tie in biro. Then I notice two more, nearer the top. I asked her what it was and she said she'd drawn on it cos she was bored.

I went mildly nuts and asked why and as usual, dd had her 'i couldn't give a toss attitude', about the whole thing.

Now, she is going to a party tonight and my original thought was to stop her going, but I decided against it because it would affect other people. So instead I have told her that she is no longer welcome to borrow my shoes, because she has shown that she has no respect for her belongings.

She is now having a strop saying she has no other shoes to wear.

I think she has got off lightly, especially as this is not the first time she has defaced stuff.

What do you think though ??

YANBU if she actually has anything at all to wear on her feet.

And it's a logical sanction. Clearly she cannot be trusted with property she has been asked to look after, logically people will not want to lend her anything.

yanbu
sounds fair to me(but I do think you were dreaming to expect the tie to stay in one piece )

I always try to answer the problem with a suitable punishment.

I think you are right about the shoes - how can you trust your shoes with her if she will not look after her own things

I would also be saying that tomorrow before she does anything she is walking into town to school outfitters and buying a new tie with her own money. She wont draw on it again after wasting a Saturday and her own money doing that.

She has black pumps, black slip on shoe things (that she asked for and won't wear) and trainers (that she also asked for and won't wear).

She is currently trying to squash her feet into shoes that are too small.

I would make her pay for the tie, but she has no money. I am supposed to be starting to give her £5 a week now I am working, but I had told her I wanted to see a huge improvement in her behaviour first and there hasn't been one.

Eww, I wouldn't let my 13yr old borrow my shoes at all. We have the same size feet but hers stink

A tie is not a massive deal in the big picture, but a small punishment (something like having to do a couple of chores she doesn't usually have to do) would probably cover it for me.

I think you were a bit optimistic about 1 tie doing 2 daughters - DS has 4

MrsMorgan, my 13yr old gets pocket money when she tidies her room. She rarely gets it tbh because she never tidies her room.

Actions and consequences. 'Tis our mantra.

If the tie had fallen apart, got stained or whatever acidentally then i'd have be fine about that, i mean these things happen. But for her to deliberatly draw on it, is taking the piss i think.

She has also previously drawn on school blouses, her bedroom walls and various things. Her whole attitude stinks. She thinks the world owes her some kind of wag lifestyle i think.

I wouldn't mind if i'd spolit her, but i honestly don't think I have. I am a single mum and wasn't working until recently, so she got the bare minimum of things.

I don't have teenagers but what you propose sounds fair and appropriate. But if you do the shoes, then don't make her pay for the tie as well as that's two punishments.

Not allowing her to wear your shoes is fine and I wouldn't give her any pocket money this week.

DS has been wearing his tie for 2 years and I expect to last another 2.

stick to your guns. no it isn't unreasonable to expect her to look after her belongings. I'd make her buy a new tie and make sure that she knows that she'll be buying another one if this gets defaced as well. tell her to get a paper-round or some sort of job if she wants more shoes especially if she won't wear the ones which she asked for, but support her with this - trust me even at 15/16 yrs most teenagers don't know how to ask about part time jobs.

I wouldn't get her a new tie - she drew on it, she can wear it like that and buy her own next year if she needs a new one. If she drew on my walls, she wouldn't be worrying about not being able to borrow my shoes (or anything else of mine) - she wouldn't be going to any parties because she'd be home washing down her bedroom walls.

But whatever you decide, just realize that somewhere buried deep in the teenager is your sweet smiling baby. At times, it's the only thing that keeps you going...

I sympathise with you, sounds like my DD, although she has had her ties for the last 2 years and accumulated 1. Our problem is the PE kit !! it always seems to sprout legs and walk.

DD also needs a new tie next Summer as she will no longer need the old one. DD will not borrow my shoes (not her taste) but like yours wears black pumps for school instead of shoes, trainers bought will not wear. She always pinches my make up which has to be locked up now. I would take the cost of the tie out of her pocket money, which I do for DD but to be honest it does'nt always work and causes a tirade of loud moans and groans, which is ignored. Recently we had lost PE kit again, so said she would have to pay for it f it did not turn up, spookily it turned up!!

Stick with it even though you know you will get a hard time.

I think a more detached approach might work better, generally speaking.

When you specifically told her to look after the tie, how did you say it to her? I'm just wondering if you said it in such a way that she took it as some sort of challenge. As if you didn't quite trust her to keep it good in the first place. Do you know what I mean?

And try to never go nuts - mildly or not - at her. Teenagers feed off people going nuts and they are often completely incapable of seeing things from someone else's point of view anyway. Your anger becomes her overwhelming feeling of injustice or else satisfaction.

I find the detached, calm approach more successful.

MrsM...would it reassure you at all if I say your dd sounds exactly like mine ?

I cannot tell you how uncannily the same they sound. Do you have constant fruitless arguments about homework/assignments too ?

My dd ruined her bedroom walls and carpet by wiping make-up on them (she is 15)

Every couple of weeks she moans she wants her (admittedly rather young for her now) bedroom re-decorated and re-carpeted.

It ain't happening.

Stick to your guns and hide your shoes!

If you don't give her pocket money, make sure she goes without stuff to the amount of the cost of a new tie for dd2, and keep dd1 in the biro-ed tie.

She has to have a new tie next year, as it changes for yr 8, thats why I wanted this one for dd2.

Scaryfucker, your dd sounds exactly like mine, which makes me feel slightly less stressed lol. She has wiped make up all over her curtains though instead lol.

We did indeed have countless arguments about homework and assignments, even ones where I ended up crying to my mum because i thought her teachers would think I didn't care lol. Now I leave her too it, and to be fair she generally does fine.

Her room is a complete and utter pigsty though and she is constantly pinching my stuff. Had to wake her at 6am the other morning because I was getting ready and my hairspray and other stuff had gone walkies.

Tbh pointdog, dd responds the same to me wether I am calm and matter of fact, or go nuts. She is laid back about everything, she doesn't care.