funerals - have I done the right thing?

[tinkgirl]

My granddad has just passed away, his funeral is on Tuesday. I've spoken to my DC's about this, DS is 11yrs and DD is 8yrs. I've given DS the option of coming to the funeral, it will be his first one, but am planning on putting DD in school as normal. Should I?? About 12 months ago she went through a phase of getting upset about death and I don't want to bring this back or to re-inforce it in any way, got quite hard at one stage resulting in nightmares. Also, is there anything that I can do to help DS cope on the day?

sorry for your loss

maybe some ideas here

I'm sorry for your loss.

Have you talked about this with your children? I think personally it is important not to disallow either of them to come to the funeral: if your son attends but your daughter doesn't, she may feel left out of something that is an important day in the lives of many members of your family, and a day that very often binds families closer together. They may have been close to your granddad or maybe not, but funerals are a way and an opportunity for saying goodbye and learning how to cope with the concept and, frankly, the reality of death and mourning. People of all ages can be distressed at funerals but there is nothing wrong with this. Even being a year older, a child might feel very differently on such a thing. Also seeing how many people loved the deceased is a good thing - reminding us that people are special to many others, in ways we might not have known about.

For us, we have always taken our children to funerals, even when very small and babies: people were cheered to see them there, to see a future generation of the family present, and of course we ensured that they behaved in the service (but as they are used to church, they were used to the routine). I do know that as an adult, the services I was unable to attend through circumstances, have left me bitterly regretting not being there, when all the rest of the family could make it.

Our children have cried at funerals of family members and of church members; and been very distressed at the funeral of a school friend who died, a possible suicide. But I have sat with them and talked about it, provided plenty of tissues and shoulders and cried myself. Without knowing the details of your funeral arrangements, I couldn't make any suggestions as to other helpful things. But some people take a little photo of the person into the service so they can think about happy memories of them (or this is sometimes on a service sheet), and sometimes if there is a burial, people bring little flowers that they can put on the coffin or in the ground.

It's a hard thing to talk about with children. I wish you all the best.

Thanks DandyDan you have summed up what I wanted to say and spared me the upset. My Mum died a few weeks ago, all her grandchildren were included, its their grief too.

My dd (13) came to my dad's funeral last year and what really upset her was that she didn't realise that the coffin was brought into the church. We were sat right next to the coffin and she was quite shocked by this.
Just thought I would let you know that as it hadn't occurred to me to mention it to her.

Mine all went to their Grnadmother's, at 11, 9, 4. I wouldn't have dreamed of not taking them.

can you let them decide? perhaps she would be more distressed knowing it's happening while she's not there.

fwiw i took dd aged 4 and ds a newborn to my grandma's funeral. dd understood it, knew the coffin would be in the church and that we'd watch the burial. she was fine.

i went to my mum's funeral when i was 9, and my sister who was 7 came too. again, it was fine. we even went to see her in the chapel of rest and kissed her goodbye.

many thanks to you all. You have all confirmed what I was already feeling. I was 15 when my mum died and it was my first funeral. I was shocked and traumarised when the curtains closed round the coffin for the cremation - it's all that I remember really about the whole day, I think if my Dad had told me what to expect it might have been a bit easier. I have to admit with what happened to me I do get frightened that the first funeral that my kids will go to will be mine or DH's, so do kinda feel that if they can experience a funeral then it may help when this time comes.

I'll sit DS down over the weekend and talk him through it step by step, he can be quite sensible for 11yrs so think he will cope with it, have to admit still a bit more worried over DS with the nightmares etc.

thanks - you have all helped with getting it straighter in my head.

If going to a funeral allows us to say goodbye as adults, I strongly believe that youngsters have a right to do the same.

I would talk to your daughter if I were you, and ask her what she thought just as you are going to do with your son, but I would talk to them separately so that they feel free to say exactly what they feel without thinking that they have to do what their sibling is intending to do. I'd hate for her to feel that she SHOULD go to the funeral simply because her DB is.

I did not let my sons go to MILs funeral when they were 6 and 8.I thought they were too young and would find it too distressing. The younger one in particular has never forgiven me for not letting him go.
DS2 is now 12 and coped very well at his much loved grandad's funeral a few weeks ago.
Also DS1 (now 14) chose not to go to the funeral of a school friend and bitterly regretted his decision.

I think perhaps taking your DD will help to demystify the situation a little, rather than reinforce it - if you explain to her as well how it is going to be, what is going to happen and why, it will reduce the risk of any shocks.

I am one who doesn't think tinies are appropriate at funerals (but that's my issue) but at 8, she is old enough to be grieving and to feel left out of the family grief.

Do sit down with them both and have your conversation - do not isolate your DD from the situation, that would be most unfair - and then ask her whether she'd rather come to the funeral or go to school. Her choice.

I've never heard of children being excluded from family funerals and do not know anyone who has. I guess it's what's the norm in one's own family that matters.

I would say accepting that death is a normal part of life and talking to your children about what will happen will help them the most. My dcs are only a couple of years older than yours and have never been upset by funerals and have been to a few, sadly.

I and my sibs weren't allowed to go to any family funerals until my grandfather's, when we were all teenagers. My family didn't think it appropriate for us or the situation. But when my Mum died, my sibs both brought their DC, all five of whom were under 5, and it upset my Dad terribly because they were shockingly badly behaved and my SIL did not remove her two until almost the end of the service.

How sad.
When Mum died a few weeks ago we had a special service the night before and all the grandchildren were there at the open coffin, touching her and stroking her hair.
Someone had the youngest granchild (2) at the back of church but anyone old enough to understand was there. It's their grief too.

Sorry for your loss.
I would as other posters have said,let your children attend the funeral if possible.

My DD1, who was 2 at the time, didn't come to the service for BIL but came to the wake/gathering thingy afterwards, and everyone was glad to see her.