18 year old son has no staying power

[fluffyellowbird]

My son (nearly 19) left school several months ago after 'A' levels.He didn't revise so got grades to reflect this. He has 'plans'; to retake the poorer results, to get a job so that he can move into town and support himself, to go to uni some time but it must be one of the best colleges as he is very picky and has 'standards'.

A member of the family has made accomodation available to him in town once he gets a job within the next month. But he is picky. He will not do bar work or waiting, or anything that means WORK! He got offered a job at a supermarket. They altered the boundaries of the job description between first and second interview making it a warehouse job rather than front of house. He couldn't bear the thought of a whole day stuck in warehouse with a bunch of older blokes so he turned it down without even giving it a try. I am gutted.

Also, it was part of the understanding that son would decorate the flat. After half hour of prep work he says that he will save up to get a decorator to do it.

I get so ANGRY inside that he wastes his opportunities.I want to cry but no tears can come.If I could cry, it would not guilt him into changing his point of view

He doesn't deserve all the help we give him quite honestly. We have offered that we would send him abroad 'on holiday' if there was a scheme (would need to be organised) that would fire his enthusiasm. But he is not interested.

He is extremely intelligent. And extremely lazy. He is also very shy under certain circumstances although he has improved with age.If he got a job it would boost his confidence I'm sure

He enjoys watching too much TV and going on his computer although we do limit his use while he lives at home because he would be on 10 hours a day.

He is not yet signed on, but we no longer give him money. We will provide all he needs to get a job, like clothes for interviews.

He is also very messy at home. He serves no useful purpose.Of course we love him but we do not love his attitude.

He is good at heart and doesn't do drugs or smoke. He has friends in town. We live in the country and he needs us for lifts or gets the bus.

All I want is for him to support himself. I do not have high ambitions for him; except that he can be secure, supporting himself and finding out the real value of money as he wastes what he has.

He has never had a job (part time) as he has never been interested in working.

I am worried that he could be depressive later in life and has confidence issues. I worry that his attitude and latent insecurity make him unemployable.

I feel there is little hope as he will not search for jobs. IT me that finds them for him ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. At least he mananges to apply for the ones he is slightly interested in.

What hope is there? He is over 18 now. Who else can help.

Any idea's?

Wits end

Hi, wits,

I just posted on "Am I being unreasonable...? about my teenage layabout. I have tried the kind route and am now trying the tough route. It seems to me that you are being a bit light with him. I think they need a bit of a kick in the pants. But that is me, I'm the tough love sort. Within the framework of how tough you want to get, I suggest setting some kind of boundaries or framework, use a structured approach, like he must make so many job applications per week, etc. Also make him do more around the house. I think it is easy to end up spoiling them and getting taken advantage of, and it is no good for them in the long run. See my post, I am threatening my son with tossing him out if he gets expelled from school and on Fri night we are taking a nice tour of Waterloo/South Bank to see what that could mean! Good luck, post and let me know how you are progressing - I am in a similar boat!

Moanranger and Riven

Thanks for posts.

If he does not get a good lead for a job this week, I think that getting him to sign on is important as you say and to get him to pay for board.

How much to charge?

Will look into this and keep you posted

He's 19 and not even had a p/t job?
Time for you to get tough and him to get real!

Has anyone actually sat him down and REALLY pointed out where he is at? With poor grades he is going to have to work very hard to get into any half decent uni course.. and if he hasn't started studying for retakes already he should have! No job..he can't afford to be picky.. he should be grateful to be offered anything in this current climate.

I have sympathy, my 17 yr old is drifting his way thro 6th form (doing a Btec which won't get him anywhere as he's only likely to scrape thro) . But I made it crystal clear that once he was old enough to work then he had to find something no matter how 'lowly' it was. He works a few evenings in a pizza place and while it's not fun he's actually developed a worth ethic that has surprised me.. he's been there over a year now, which at least is SOMETHING on his CV!

I agree with Riven.. stope enabling him. He has to earn his homelife while he isn't working. No more lifts... he can ride a bike..(or save up to buy one!). Don't do his washing... make it very clear that the free ride STOPS . Getting out there in the workplace IS scary and isn;t much fun but he isn't going to find anything nice if he can't be bothered to even start small...

Be hard to be kind...:)

Not much to offer by way of advice ,but wanted to sympathise .Two things - if finished A levels ,and not yet 19 ,he must be quite young for his school year ?
I mean perhaps emotionally he's a bit immature ,time might help ?
Also ,can you talk to his old school and try and help him get resits sorted out .Could he go to an FE college ?
Would FE be a way forward - give him a bit more time to grow up with some structure .
Sorry for not v.clear post - feeling crap and in bed .
Just rea;lly sorry for you and Dc ,it's hard being young .
Good luck .

Think you need to sit him down and have a serious chat.

Regarding the A Level retakes, has he been entered for January and what teaching support is he getting?

Regarding university - unless he gets decent grades I doubt he will get a place because with all the unsuccessful candidates (some with A*s and As!) from this year, the usual candidates from the current Year 13 and all the Year 13s that would normally take a gap year who now won't because of the impending fee changes - basically it's going to be tough.

You don't mention whether you work - obviously if you do you are setting him a positive example and it should be easier to get him to pull his weight at home. If you don't work maybe he has received the message that housework is your role and working is somehow optional.

I would speak to the family member and ask them not to give him accommodation until he has proved himself, being given everything on a plate is not helpful. My DS was 17 when he sat his A Levels and is now at uni, but I know he would have done better if he had been a little older. But sometimes you just have to run with what you get. Sounds like he has loving parents and a good home life, he now needs to learn to work.

I don't think you should encourage him to sign on. He had an offer of a job and turned it down. JSA is for those that are available and willing to work.

Stop helping him, it's only way he will learn to be independent. Harsh but fair, as others have said.

He needs to sign on - and you get half the money for bed & board. If he's in the house all day, he should be doing a fair share of the housework - you shouldn't need to "limit" his TV time, you should just make sure he has plenty of chores to do in order to occupy his time more usefully. He should also be spending time every day studying/revising for these exams he's "planning" to resit.

So - say 4 hours studying a day and 2 hours housework. Or 4 hours studying and 4 hours decorating the flat, 3 days a week?

You have to make sure that there isn't an easy option where he gets to sit on his bum with all provided, just hanging round waiting for some lovely perfect job to drop in his lap. Because, lazy teenagers being what they are, if there is an easy option they'll take it. You have to make full-time work, doing practically anything, a more attractive choice than the alternative.

Another suggestion here - driving lessons? We're in the country too and DS1 learning to drive, passing his driving test & getting a little car, took pressure off us having to take him places (he could also help out by giving younger siblings lifts), enhanced his self-esteem as he'd achieved something & gave him something else to do to fill his days. There are CDs to help you pass the theory test - which is done on a computer, so he might actually enjoy that bit too!

My eldest daughter left college after one year saying not everyone was wired up for study. I said if that's the case, go and get a job and start paying rent. She did it for 3 months then went back and has just finished her a levels. I think a bit of reality can go a long way.