How to handle the mother of teenage daughters boyfriend?

[bebemoose]

This might be a bit long-winded so bear with me!

I'm at a loss as to what to do regarding the mother(call her Jane) of my 17 year old DD boyfriend who is 20 in three weeks. She has been going out with him for almost a year now and, in the beginning, Jane was all for the relationship - even to the point of encouraging him to get back with DD when they broke up for 4 weeks half way through. Over the past 4 months or so she has steadily got more unkind to DD so that DD now says that Jane hates her.

I should explain that Jane shouts at her son all the time (and I mean ALL the time) - he cant do anything right. He drives the family car which his mother bought for him (just old banger) and insures for him as he is at college and not earning much atm. In return she expects that he will take her out in the car - shopping and family trips etc, which he does willingly. Unfortunately she appears to want him to stay in the house all the time so that he can chauffeur her around whenever she needs him. She gets cross when he stays round here - even though he has asked permission to stay - and constantly texts or phones him to ask when he's coming home. Every time he walks in the door there is a big row, usually about how he doesnt care about the family anymore and how useless he is and how much money she has spent on him.

As far as I can see, he is a lovely boy, polite, clean, hard-working (at home he gets up at 5.30am to do the hoovering, feed the cats, clean their litters and clean the shower), doesnt drink, smoke or take drugs. He has taken his mum and family out on several trips around the country this summer - everywhere she has asked him to. By contrast his sister (who is 18) has to do nothing, can lie in bed until whatever time she likes and is also ferried around by him to college and her boyfriends house etc.

He likes coming round to our house as its peaceful and quiet and there are no rows, but it is getting more and more difficult for him to stay as his mum just shouts when he goes home. He comes round a couple of evenings in the week and goes home at 9pm and he stays Saturday night after working all day, and into Sunday. Tonight he had another row with her in which she told him he was so far up our a* that he might as well come and live with us, and called my DD a slapper and several choice names for myself. I am a very gentle person who hasnt said or done anything to upset her except welcome her son into my house, and my daughter is certainly not a 'slapper' - the only boy she has slept with is her son! The reason for the name calling appears to be that my DD mentioned to a mutual friend that if she stays round his house its just 'fighting all weekend' and this got back to Jane in a roundabout way, so she was upset by this - even though its true! DD also has made a couple of comments which didnt go down well about his sister not being treated the same and reminding his mum that she has a bus pass and doesnt need to be driven around! I have tried to tell her that although these things are true she should really try to keep them to herself but being a teenager she doesnt really understand!

She appears to be jealous that we are a bit more well off than they are although we are by no means rich, and didnt like it when we took him on holiday with us (only to a caravan on the east coast) and wanted to know why he should get a holiday if she didnt. Tomorrow he is coming with me and DD to the local theatre where there is a ballet performance on. She asked him why she wasnt invited! Why would I have to invite the mother of my DD boyfriend to every family event/outing? She took her family to London recently for the day - I didnt expect to be invited and wasnt!

It's particularly upsetting that we all go swimming together on Sunday mornings and Jane is completely normal to my face, but totally the opposite it seems behind my back. I think she is jealous that he prefers my house to hers and maybe also that we have a little more money than she does. I havent showered him with gifts, but he has been taken out on family outings where I pay for everything - as I would normally. Maybe she is worried she is losing him, and she is certainly going the right way about it cos he says he only has to grin and bear it for another year until he gets to stage school or uni and then he wont be coming back!

After the row tonight which DD BF reported to her on MSN my daughter was in floods of tears and said she wanted to kill herself. She really loves this boy and wants to stay with him, but his mother's attitude is making her life hell, and she is worried about the effect of all these rows on her BF.

To get to the point - I would like your opinion on whether it would be a good idea to go and have a chat with Jane and if so, what direction should I take? It would obviously be no good to go in all guns blazing. Sorry this post is so long - and I've really only told you the half of it! Thanks for listening

Wow... Can't imagine what that must be like for him, to have a mother like that.

If I were you, I would try and ignore the way she treats him, as terrible as it is, it's not your place, and she's not breaking any laws.

However, I know my mother's instinct would be to "go in all guns blazing" if some horrid women had called my DD a slapper without good cause, or even WITH good cause. Not to mention insulting you, and demanding you treat her like she's a part of your family.

BUT after thinking it through, I would probably decide to keep my problems with her to myself. Having experience with a similar woman in the past, one thing I can say with certainty is that they aren't reasonable people, and they will see any attempt by you to build bridges as an "attack", and the last thing you want is for DD and her boyfriend to be in a Romeo & Juliet situation with two feuding families going head to head, even if they probably would both side with you.

Oh, but I missed this paragraph when I first read, somehow:

"After the row tonight which DD BF reported to her on MSN my daughter was in floods of tears and said she wanted to kill herself. She really loves this boy and wants to stay with him, but his mother's attitude is making her life hell, and she is worried about the effect of all these rows on her BF."

The only thing I would do is be strong and support DD, and hopefully she'll admire your strength and try to emulate the same level of support to her boyfriend.

I just know women like this boyfriend's mum, and they seem incapable of change or reason. Completely and utterly selfish women who think they should be the centre of their children's worlds, and not the other way around.

Why did DD say she wanted to kill herself?

I think all you can do is make sure she realises this has nothing to do with her and that his mother would be like this with any girl he was seeing. She doesn't like not being his number one priority anymore - she doesn't like him growing up/away from her.

Be cool, calm & collected and just be there for them both, continue to make him welcome.

I was originally tempted to say to invite him to live with you - but I think there are several that this is a bad idea - one being that it might make your DD feel like she has to stay with him, when maybe it would run it's course and if she did break p with him - he'd then be totally stuffed :(

I'd can the swimming thing though because I'd be unable not to hold her under the fucking water if she talked about my DD like that!!

I don't think talking to her will help. All you can do is support your DD (and her BF). And I'd can the swimming, too.

Stop going swimming with them.

Distance your self.

If hes nearly 20 can't he find a place of his own?

She sounds toxic.

I think you should keep out of it to be honest

He's almost 20. Time to become an adult and lay down some ground rules or move out.
If he loves your DD, he won't let his mother's bullying distress her to the point of despair.
I truly realised how much I respected my brother when he stood up to my dad about the treatment of his then girlfriend.
Dad respected it too, once he'd got over the shock.

If he's nearly 20, could you support him in finding a bedsit to live in? he could either get housing benefit or a student loan, I think.

So how much has been said by Jane to you? Or is this all second hand?

I'm not disputing what your dd and her boyfriend tell you, it's just that they might be wont to exaggerate.

Tread carefully - I think you should stay out of it, and advise your dd to avoid her boyfriend's mother as much as possible if she's that mad. Can you rearrange when you go swimming?

I would tell DD that her poor boyfriend is already suffering and killing herself is going to make it worse-not something you do to someone you love.
I would try and stay out of it. If you want to help- the way seems to be to encourage to him to move out-he is 20yrs.

She sounds mentally ill, and he sounds as if he should be cutting the apron strings and moving out into his own place. I would stay out of it tbh - teenage romances tend not to last, and it will probably end naturally of its own accord anyway.

Ask Jane to move in, clasp her to your bosom and shower her with outings and caravan trips. It will alarm her.

No more swimming!

DD saying she wants to kill herself is a tad worrying - unless she's prone to dramatics?

I'm sure Jane is a pita but I'd be wary of getting into a situation where he slates her to you (assuming he says this to you dorsectly and not to dd who then tells you) because even if she is a total cowbag, she is his mother nad he could leave if he wanted to but he's still there. Be aware that you are getting one side of the story - not suggesting you disbelieve him but joining in with the criticism of her may well backfire because (and I am remembering how I viewed my family at that age) he may well start to regret being so vocal about his mum and consequently feel uncomfortable with you for being part of it, iyswim?

If she's that awful he needs to leave. Also given how your dd reacted perhaps he just needs to have a bit of discretion? It wasn't necessary for him to tell her the names you and her were called.

dorsectly? directly

Thank you very much for all your input. Although I havent heard the arguments with his mum first hand (as she doesnt row with him when I'm there) I know they do happen as DD has been there sometimes and I have no reason to disbelieve her. Besides, she wouldnt get so upset if they werent as bad as she says.

Regarding him moving out as he is almost 20... He is still at college (2nd year) as he tried other things for the two sixth form years and so is now 2 years behind others of his age. He is hoping to go to stage school or uni in September 2011. He has no money to move out until then - the little he earns he uses to put petrol in his car to get the 15 miles a day to college. He has been trying to get other jobs but they have to fit in with his college days and so far he hasnt found anything. I have offered to have him here but he will lose his car if he cuts ties with his mum and then wont be able to get to college anyway. (And he has said that he wouldnt want to impose anyway.)

He says he is just trying to stick it out for another year until uni and then he wont need to go home again! But as a parent of a daughter at uni (DD1) I know he will still need her to give financial details to allow him to get enough support to stay at uni, otherwise he will just get the minimum support which is only just enough to pay for the accommodation. However, that is another story!!!

I have been very careful not to call her any names when talking to him and try to come up with plausible reasons why she might be the way she is, so not slagging her off myself. I think DD cant understand why he backs down so often in arguments with his mum. eg she often tells him to leave, and he packs a bag. But when he gets to the door she stops him and tells him to stay, so he does. He said the other night that a crappy family is better than no family, and thats why he puts up with it. Swimming is now off the menu as I cant talk to her nicely knowing what she has said about me and DD.

Regarding the post above about standing up to her - he does this every time they have an argument - it doesnt help as they have the same argument over and over again. Not sure how he can stop this?

I'm pretty sure DD is not going to kill herself - she got very down last week as this all came on top of getting a cold and feeling like crap. She's just tired of the fighting and is beginning to think that it would be better for him if they werent a couple anymore - she thinks she is the major cause of the arguments with his mum and cant bear to think he is getting all this aggro because of her. Even though she really loves him and he loves her - its getting too much for her to take.

I'm inclined to agree with everyone and not go to talk to her, but yesterday there were more rows. Anyway DD and BF now want us all to get together to talk, so still considering that. Thank you for all your advice - I really appreciate it. I will keep you updated on developments.