Don't know who else to ask about teenage girl off rails

[chunky90]

Hi, I'm sorry to ask this here but I'm lost. I joined this forum specifically to ask this as I can't think where to turn and you guys seem to have more real experience and thats what I need.

I'm not a mother, but my 15 year old cousin looks on me as her mother figure. Her mother is a drug addict, alcoholic and criminal and has been either abusive or absent from her life since my cousin was 1 years old. Her older sister has never been interested in the product of her fathers second marriage, her father...tries his hardest but not great with kids in general, he basically ignores her. My grandmother did what she could but she's been unwell in the last ten years and through no ones fault, I've ended up being the constant figure who she turns to in a motherly/auntie role.

She's always been a troubled child (stealing off family members, lying etc) but as she's got older this has turned into drinking (big time drinking. More drinking than I do as a student and more drinking than I see most students doing. Every night drinking) smoking, lying, failing school, shoplifting and I suspect promiscuity.

As I am not formerly her parent and she does not live under my roof I cannot enforce any discipline on her (and her father does not and probably will not) I call and text her often, take her to lunch whenever I am in our town and encourage her to discuss her worries with me and generally try to advise her without being patronising. I believe she wants to try hard but without the structure at home, as there is none and she comes and goes as she pleases, she finds it difficult. Speaking to my uncle is out of the question - he simply is not able to provide this for her, he is pretty much barely competant as a parent.

I just don't want my cousin to turn out like her mother. I just do not know how to achieve this. I can't lecture her without pushing her away and then she won't have an older female figure she can talk to about things and I feel that'd be worse in the long run. But I'm in despair watching a bright girl who I love very much ruin herself.

Can any of you offer any advice? I know I have no right to be here as I am not a mother but I must try to get help somewhere.

I'm not a mother either, but I'm the only other awake person apparently. :)

Sounds like you're doing your best with her. Does she live with her father? Is she still going to school? How is she finding life atm?

My only advice would be to talk to her about her hopes for the future. What does she want for herself?

She lives with her dad, yes. She is still going to school mostly, but is doing very little there except mucking about from what her teachers have been saying. Its hard to tell since she insists to me she works very hard. She will then backtrack and insist its not her fault.

She is, I think, throwing herself into her friendship groups and depending on them too much. Giving into any peer pressure. She hangs out with older boys...boys my age (20) and it may be old fashioned but I do find this inappropriate. I think she is so willing to please she just does anything to be accepted because she hasnt been accept anywhere else (her birth caused our family to split down the middle as my auntie hates her father and mother and so just...was brutally cruel to her to be honest)

She just wants to please everyone. Unfortunately pleasing them means drinking, smoking, having sex and wearing her underwear out to parties. Pleasing me means getting grades that reflect her intelligence and effort, and having consideration for herself, her future and others. The conflict somewhat haha.

She would like, in her own words, 'to be like me'. She even very much fancies my university to do art or fashion. But she doesn't seem to make the link between how hard you have to work to achieve that, no matter how much I tell her that I worked my butt off to achieve my place at my very nice redbrick university and she must do the same.

Cannot drill anything into her skull...so sorry for all this information but I am at a loss and I cannot as my mother and she just shrugs and my grandmother is just sick with worry and at a loss too since my cousin just doesn't take her seriously.

by 'be like me' i mean she wants to be like me...not herself. Sorry its late and I've been working on my dissertation all day and as such my brain is utterly fried! Typos galore

aargh I'm working on a dissertation-like project as well and it is doing me in too - sympathies.

Can't give that much advice really, and it might be too early to suggest counselling. But my boyfriend had some (NHS) to talk about his family issues etc, and found it really helpful. If she's drinking to block stuff out, talking about it instead might be a good thing.

Is she motivated by not wanting to be like her mother? Because that can be really powerful.

Anyway hope you get more help!

Chunky, you sound like a wonderful caring person. I don't have a teenage daughter (yet!), but in some ways I was the girl that almost went off the rails - although I have to say not as young as your cousin, and not with such difficult family situation.

You taking a real interrest in her life will make a difference in the long run. Keep talking to her. Perhaps suggest seeing GP about drinking. Would she let you go to parents evenings at school to show that someone cares? Can you interest her in some activity that might give her a different friendship group?

Sorry not much help, but I was so struck by how caring and supportive you are - and you will continue to be a good role model, which somewhere, sometime will have an effect.

Good luck.

Thanks for everyones help, its good to see I'm basically on the right track. I might speak to her school - she attends my old secondary school and I still am in touch with some of my teachers now so I may just mention something to them.

I know there isn't a lot I can do. But the sitting down and dicussing her future seriously is a great idea. I think a lot of people (sadly my family included) have just gotten weary and given up on her and I think they sort of just give a wry smile when she says she wants to go to university. If I show her its a very real possibility if she does the right things maybe this will spur her on.

Her relationship with her mother is hard for me to understand. She's a very forgiving girl and has very maturely decided to forgive her mothers actions. She did used to keep her at arms lengths as well. I remember she said to me 'I love her because she's my mother and I want to see her but I can't get too involved' which struck me as a very mature thing for a 13 year old to say (she is very bright when she wants to be) However recently shes begun idolising her a little, I think her mothers abscence makes her the glamorous alternative to the reality of her father, who has to be the one to say 'No'. Her mum just swans in when it suits her and gives her presents.

I'll just keep reminding her when she does daft stuff (like post pics of herself in her underwear dressed as a cat on facebook or walk home alone in the dark through dodgy parks) that it doesn't make her seem mature. That often seems to work. Maybe if she's got SOMEONE around saying 'erm, is that really a great idea?' and getting her to think about the image she is presenting to others and her behaviour in general it will stop her going too mad!

Thanks very much everyone, especially for making me feel welcome, I really appreciate it.

It seems to me that your cousin needs some counselling. If she is in full time education, you can speak to her head of year to arrange for her to speak to the school counsellor. I am a school counsellor so know this is possible. Good luck.

What a lot of rubbish!