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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

All night parties - what to do?

24 replies

mears · 27/07/2003 00:58

16 year old son confessed to me that he was not sleeping over at a friends last week but was actually at an all night party where there were no parents. All was fine, house was clean and tidy at the end of it and son did not get blind drunk, just tipsy. He has been asked to go to a party in a few month's time and is asking my permission. I am glad he felt he could tell me (eventually) about the party last week but should I let him go to this next one. I woul rather know what he was up to and am concerned that if we say no, we will drive him underground. Any ideas anyone?

OP posts:

sibble · 27/07/2003 01:13

Easy for me to say when DS is only 3 but I think I would let him go. It was really big of him to tell you about the last party (even after the event) and ask permission for the next one. At least you will know where he is. I would ask that he calls at a certain time in the morning so you know everything is OK etc. I would be tempted to give him my mobile for the evening but know that there have been problems for kids with them - so not too sure about that one. DH left home at 16, moved into a house with loads of lads 16-20ish because his mother "was too strict". He called the next day to say where he was but didn't contact her for another 6 months. I am dreading DS getting older.
Good luck with whatever you decide but you are obviously a good mother because he could have just lied to you. I am sure you will make the right decision.

ScummyMummy · 27/07/2003 08:39

I agree- I'd let him go too, I think. (Though like sibble mine are not teenagers yet- bet it's different when you're really there, eh?) I think it's great that he told you and is asking for next time and to say no would be quite a disincentive for him to keep talking to you. He sounds like a responsible chap who respects his mum's opinion so I'd go with his judgement. Sounds like you are handling this really well, Mears.

SoupDragon · 27/07/2003 08:51

I'm another mother of small boys who currently thinks you should let him go. As you say, you don't want him to think he has to lie to you and you will at least know where he is and what he's doing. Lay down a few ground rule (house clean and tidy, tipsy but not blind drunk sounds pretty good really) and agree abot phoning in the morning. A party at a house should be a fairly safe environment.

Basically, I agree with everything Scummy & Sibble said

codswallop · 27/07/2003 10:17

I think he sounds lovely

codswallop · 27/07/2003 10:21

let him go and explain how pleased you are with him for coming clean, my MUm and dad were like this by the time they got to me the 3rd and life was a lot calmer than with my siblings

doormat · 27/07/2003 11:19

I would definitely let him go.
What a credit he is to you mears coz he could of easily lied.I have 2 teenage dd's and IMO honesty and communication are the best way to handle teenagers.Also the fact that we were teenagers once ourselves so know what it is like to be in their position.
You have probably explained all the dangers etc but I would speak to him again, pack him off with his mobile(ask him to keep it on, just in case of emergency).
Also I am probably going to be slammed here but I try to be a responsible parent and we all know what teenagers CAN get up to.I am not implying this in your sons case but I think we have to be responsible as parents for our teenagers family planning(whether they have sex or not)so I would give him some protection just in case it is needed.I am trying not to offend just being realistic.

janh · 27/07/2003 11:48

I would let him go too, mears. Is he your eldest? If so it's even more impressive that he has been upfront with you, usually the eldest has to do things sneakily for ages before they come out in the open, and then the younger ones sail off whenever they like. (I subsequently found out some startling things that happened years ago when my DD1 was 16!)

They're not going to do anything at night that they can't do any other time - as long as he knows how to be responsible, and he obviously does, I don't think you need to worry too much. (Not sure about taking the mobile though - they get nicked, even among "friends" - speaking from bitter experience here.)

Original poster

mears · 27/07/2003 11:56

Thanks for the messages - it does actually make me feel better. I have always been against encouraging underage kids to drink alcohol, ie. condone it or supply it because I think they will then find something worse to shock you with. However, I am now in the situation that my son will be drinking with my full knowledge. Will he try something else to shock me?
He has a mobile phone but he always runs out of money. He is a lazy bu**er and does nothing round the house to earn any pocket money unless it is under duress. He is not prepared to get a part time job because he wants to enjoy his school holidays. I'll obviously need to top it up again but give him a strict chore rota!
On the sex front, I have always spoken openly about it to him. I have warned him that getting drunk can lead to unplanned sex. Every time a young girl his age has a baby I tell him about it so that he knows it happens. A girl in his year at school had a baby age 15yrs this year so he knows the facts of life and consequences. I think you are right about the protection doormat. If they are going to get caught up in a situation best that he has it - but will he be too drunk to use it? He is actually revealing a nice personality not though after a couple of years of behaving like 'Kevin'. He is very caring.
How I wish that my problems were all to do with breastfeeding and a night's sleep

OP posts:

Original poster

mears · 27/07/2003 11:58

Yes he is the eldest of 4. His younger brother of 14yrs has a far more sensible head on him and I think that is because he has not been as strictly managed as his elder brother who has had to make the way. He got out and about earlier and is much more confident as a result.

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boyandgirl · 27/07/2003 15:42

I'd feel very inclined to let him go. It's a very mature thing of him to do to talk to you like this and that needs to be recognised. My elderst is not yet 3, so I can't say that I'm an expert , but when I was a teenager I was never curfewed or grounded purely because my parents trusted me to be honest with them about what I was doing and where I was going.

aloha · 27/07/2003 16:08

My only query is do the parents know there is going to be an all-night party in their house? I would be less than happy to know that everyone knew about a party but me in those circs! If the 'host's' parents approve then I would say yes. If not, no.

WideWebWitch · 27/07/2003 19:39

I agree with everyone Mears. My mum was strict and my dad wasn't (they were divorced when I was 4) and as a result I told my dad everything (drugs, sex, parties, the lot) and my mum nothing. When I decided to try the same honesty with my mum (I was sick of lying to her) and admitted I was having sex with my then boyfriend at the age of 17, she threatened to throw me out. She followed through and I arrived home the next morning to find all my stuff in binliners on the drive. So not the best message -I left home permanently before I was ready really and I learned that I couldn't tell her the truth - all the instincts which had told me to lie to her for years were proven correct. So I think it's great that your son has admitted he's going to an all night party and I bet you're one of the few parents who's been told so I'd tell him you appreciate his honesty. I'd also tell him that he's welcome to ring you if it gets out of hand or he gets worried about drug taking or anything.

As a result of my experience I subsequently didn't even tell my mum when I was thrown from the back of a motorbike because I was scared of her reaction (I just went to hospital and went home with some lie about why I was late) so well done for fostering an atmosphere where you get the truth, even if it didn't come straight away. IME, and I can only speak from the point of view of remembering being a teenager, he won't want to do more to shock you, he'll just tell you more about what's going on and that's to be encouraged I think. My dad knowing about stuff didn't mean I set out to shock him or do anything I wouldn't have done anyway, it just meant he knew all about it and therefore got the chance to give me his viewpoint. My mum didn't.

Original poster

mears · 27/07/2003 23:07

Thanks for your replies.

Aloha - I asked a colleague at work who has children a bit older than mine what she thought I should do, because I do not think the parents will know of this party. Her take on it was that parents who leave teenagers overnight alone must be aware that an overnight party is likely!! She said it is not up to me to tell them - I don't even know them. I have to say I certainly would not be leaving ds on his own at this age. I think I would be happier to let him go knowing he would be comfortable to contact me if there was a problem, than have him lying and going anyway. Hard isn't it?

OP posts:

jasper · 27/07/2003 23:40

mears what does your dh think?

Original poster

mears · 28/07/2003 00:20

dh wanted to immediately ban him from going anywhere and give him a lecture. However, after discussion we have decided to take the more considered approach. Don't know quite what that is yet Just know we want him to be safe.

OP posts:

boyandgirl · 28/07/2003 14:19

That's a good idea, www, suggesting that you let him know he can call you if he needs to. Also somehow letting him know that you can help him discreetly if necessary, eg not collecting him in Mummy's car in front of everybody!

janh · 28/07/2003 14:39

boyandgirl's post has just made me consider this in a different light - are you sure he wants to go to the next party? Is it possible he wasn't entirely happy about the last one and wants you to say no so that he doesn't have to go?

Just a thought...

iota · 28/07/2003 14:49

Would you be shocked if he comes home hungover? When I was 16 I used to drink lots at parties regularly - used to buy bottles of cider with my money from my Saturday job.

Mind you the worst house party I went to was when I was in my 20's. There was a huge trail of devastation in the morning - sick all over the sofa cushions, 2 broken tables, a broken light switch and so on. It took days to clean it all up (boyfriend's parents house)

Harrysmum · 28/07/2003 16:09

Not having children remotely near their teenage years this is somewhat uneducated opinion but if Iunderstand this correctly he's told you about something you both know you would probably have objected to after the fact but in telling you he/you think he should get brownie points and therefore let him do it again. Could you retain some ground by saying thank you for (finally) being honest; had you asked before the first one these (x,y,z) would have been the conditions. However, there needs to be some kind of "punishment" (though mitigated by the fact you found out from him and not someone else) e.g. not going this time but you will be prepared to consider any future request reasonably? It just seems like he's having his cake and eating it if he gets to go to the next one. Hope this makes sense.

marialuisa · 28/07/2003 19:10

My teenage years were not so long ago and i have 2 teenage sisters, have to say that i'm amazed that this is the first one he's been to! I think you should be grateful he's upfront about where he is and let him get on with it. I think "punishing" a 16 year old would be abit ridiculous. That said my mum gave us a free rein but was big on "personal responsibilty" so we wouldn't have got away with refusing a holiday/weekend job at 16 either!

Tortington · 28/07/2003 22:57

if it was my son i would let him go but i would want him to come home - not stop over -s o i know he is alright and to kind of reaffirm my control over the situation in a perverse mummy way.

everyone will probably be well sh*t faced by 1pm so around that time would be good for me and my son and then i would discreetly pick him up as has been suggested.

maybe suggest he bring a friend back after the party and have a couple of bottles at home. this way you get cool mum kudos and you know your kids safe and not tuftin some 15yr old in a mini skirt ( i am so jaded sorry)

ScummyMummy · 28/07/2003 23:09

tuftin some 15 yo in a mini skirt? That's poetry!

but what if he brings the 15 yr old in mini skirt home with him and tufts with her there? no escape for parents with kudos then...

Tortington · 28/07/2003 23:22

quite right scumster - i therefore must add:

...bring home a friend who is NOT female in a mini skirt or female at all.

are you worried he will have sex at the party?

this worries me more than anything else about my teenager so what do you do give them a condom and say " just in case son"?

if its applicable at all to you

CAM · 29/07/2003 11:05

I would definitely not have a problem with a 16 year old going to the party. I would in fact be amazed and pleased if a 16 year old child of mine actually asked my permission rather than just told me she/he was going out and when and where. The fact that your son is talking to you about what he does in this way is fantastic.

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