would you let teen DD sleep over at boyfriend's?

[BohoHobo]

daughter is 16. Has boyfriend of a few months. I've agreed to them going to theme park and staying over shortly as its a good 2 hour drive each way. They're not in a sexual relationship yet. Because I've agreed to the night away, she's asking if he can stay over here and vice versa. This feels irrationally different! Am I being ridiculous? DH agreed with the night away figuring if they want to have sex they have plenty of opportunity anyway. I'm just not sure I can deal with her boyfriend stay over at our house. And I'm damn sure DH won't like it. Need some extermal prospective.

not that it makes any difference but its not a good 2 hour drive its more like 4 to 5. No idea where 2 came from lol

No.

yes

Not under my roof is my though!

I think there are different interpretations of this: for example you could have him to stay as a family guest IYSWIM, if you are going to be present and can put him in a separate room ( and leave your door open, and warn him about your DH's insomnia - whether he really suffers from it or not).

The trouble is that this could then be seen as thin end of the wedge: you'd find it hard to withhold permission for her to stay at his (where set up could be completely different), and there is always the potential for malicious gossip from anyone who thinks that stating over = approving teenage sex (amongst their friends as much as yours).

If you're not comfortable, don't do it. Your reason doesn't need to be anything other than your not feeling right about it.

No

Yes I would, she's 16 and she's asked you rather than just being rude and staying over at his first without asking or coming down the stairs with him at yours one morning.

It's really good that she can talk to you about this!

Your DH is never going to like it but he will get used to it.

I had a boyfriend who lived a plane flight away and the only way we ever saw each other was if we stayed at each others' houses. Both of us had strict religious parents, and the rules were no sleeping in each other's bedrooms, and no doors closed. If you don't want your daughter having sex with her BF in your house, give her good reasons why you think it's not in her interests, and set up your house rules the way you see fit. And talk to his parents and find out how they feel about things -- that way you should be able to ascertain whether or not you feel comfortable with her sleeping over there.

Yes, I've written on other threads about this I'd rather my 16yr dd was safe at home with BF18, than down some back street or park.they've just come back from visiting boyfriends grandad in france,they've been together 9 moths. Its my 24th wedding anniversary tomorrow and we met at the same age!! god I feel old!!

Thank you all for your input! I feel old too, my DS is older but hasn't even contemplated this depth of relationship yet and I know its wrong but it feel so different with a daughter!!

I still can't decide. I feel the same as you in some ways Gardeners Delight, but I think if the relationship was a little longer standing I might feel more relaxed with it all.

Still got some thinking to do. I do feel strangely better about her staying there than them staying here, so maybe I will start it off that way and see how we feel later on.

As for comments from friends, most of her friends are older (BFs age) and in that sort of relationship already, so doubt it would be an issue, she is a grown up girl but still my LITTLE GIRL iyswim!

I know what you mean I struggled at first,but they'll grow up whatever you do, we just have to trust that we've brought them up to have enough sense and respect for themselves.
Hope you work it all out

OP, this is the dilemma I am in right now!

DD (16) and BF together for approx 4/5 months. Not sexual relationship so far-have asked and DD says no-I trust her on this

DD asked us if she could go with said BF, his mum and sister to stay with BF's grandad, who lives in Scotland - we are in Surrey, so we after much aahming and ahhing, plus chat with BF's mum etc, let her go.

Now, although we did say that this was a one off and there would be no way she could stay over at BF's, I am gearing myself to be asked the same as your DD has asked of you.

I was allowed. No harm came of it.

So depends on the DD and the boyfriend really.

Slightly different if you have younger children in the house though? My boyfriend (when I was 16) was allowed to stay over after the pub on the airbed in the lounge. He lived about 10 miles away in a village and so my parents let him stay over. Obviously I used to sneak down and i'm sure they knew that but as long as we weren't in the same bed with my younger sister in the house, they were okay about it.

She could leave home at 16 and then you'd have no say!

My DS is a mature 14 and has been with his GF for a year now. It seems very serious and while that worries me I am aware that there is not a lot I can do about it and things could be much worse. She's a lovely girl who works hard at school and they seem to have a sweet romance going.

He tells me, and I believe him that they are not considering sex yet and he's promised to talk to me before they do.
GF has stayed over a few times and she sleeps in the spare room. They watch tv in his room with the door wide open (my rule and the same applies at GFs house).
I am perfectly aware that they would find a way if they chose to.

As a mother of boys I am as aware as if I had girls of the dangers and risks of young love.I feel that when GF is staying here I have responsibility for them both.

inthesticks you sound like a really lovely mum - I hope my DS can talk to me that openly when he's older.

I thought I'd update as there have been recent replies.

The weekend away went well, since then she's stayed at his for a week when his mum went away (his mum asked her to as she didn't want him on his own :o ) and he's stayed here once. It's all going well, no problems at all!

we had this with dsd now 17. she has always had mixed sleepovers with strict instructions from me (we are very open) because of other parents' expectations.
when it came to bf of 1 year staying over with them in same room we talked about it and we had the 'make sure it's right because you never get the first time again' conversation.

when he did finally sleepover it was very innocent - they got home v late after train got cancelled after gig - my 10 yo dd was shocked and cried cos her big sister shared a bed with a boy but we all talked about it and she is happy now

my dsd is very mature and sensible. she is now on pill. we figured that they'd do it anywhere if they wanted to and we'd rather somewhere safe and secure than hurriedly and unsafely. and , in their terms, they are very much in love.

Hi there. It's so hard to do what's right. Especially when in my view they are so young at 16. I had this dilema when my daughter wanted to sleep with her boyfriend at the age of 16 after they had been together for a year. It was allowed any they stayed at our house and his regularly. But guess what the relationship ended! She now has another boyfriend of 2 mths and here we are again with talk of sleepovers! (shock) Now what do we do?? We've already been through the morality chat and "you don't want 2 many sexual partners" STD chat etc. Her response this is my body and I'm old enough to make my own choices. It now just feels as though the horse has bolted and we can only refuse the sleep over part but that doesn't stop them having sex it just means we dont know about it. And yes we said may be when you've been together a few more months. Nightmare! But as one of our fellow mumsnetters said it's so much better that they want to talk about these things rather than sneaking around. Isn't it???