13 yr old daugher and desperately need advice

[slm1401]

Hi, I've just been reading with huge relief that i'm not the only one with a problem teenager - I've only just joined the site (to look up some advice) and it's already helped to see that I'm not alone.

We have 3 kids, 2 girls who are 13 and 15 and a 19 year old boy who lives away at uni. Our youngest daughter (13) has always been a bit of a handful, so opinionated and a strong personality - everything is a battle with her.

I don't know when it started to get worse - maybe a year ago - but because it slowly happens i think i've lost control of her over time and now it's all come to a head lately.

Without wanting to sound like a horrible mum (and i really feel guilty for being so negative about her), she's honestly so moody, lazy (won't shower without a battle, her room is always disgusting without nagging, her personal hygiene is awful), rude, sometimes agressive, self centred, argumentative .... the list could go on and on. She used to be a lovely girl and I know that's still in there somewhere but I can't believe how much she's changed - it really is heartbreaking.

We grounded her a few weeks ago becuase her behaviour had got so bad - we took away her phone, internet and she wasn't allowed out or friends round for a week. She then had to make an effort and only then did we lift her grounding.

Then last weekend my husband and I went away for the weekend and my mother in law looked after our 2 girls. Well, she really took advantage of my MIL and convinced her that she was allowed out later than she was and then switched her phone off so she couldn't get hold of her. then on the saturday night she came home drunk (at 13!!), knocked over a massive plant and then threw up. I'm so embarrassed for my MIL who had to deal with all this - she didn't tell us about it til we came home as she didn't want to ruin our weekend away. MIL is quite soft and does spoil them but i didn't expect our youngest to take advantage in such an awful way.

We yelled at our daughter of course, and grounded her, she responded that she doesn't believe we love her and that she's been unhappy for ages. She says we don't speak to her and she doesn't have a relationship with us. She's completely turned it around and made it our fault.

Sorry for rambling ... we thought that we needed drastic measures to get her back on track so we sent her to my mums for a while (as soon as they broke up from school) ... my mum is a stern and strict retired teacher who taught special school children so is used to difficult cases! The last 3 1/2 days have been awful - my daughter has been crying on the phone to me (she's allowed a short call to us in the evening), saying she wants to come home and that she's 'changed' and that she can't prove she's changed until she does come home.

I'm so confused to know what to do ... I thought that her going to my mums would be beneficial in lots of ways - it would give her time to think about her actions, it would mean i can go to work and not leave her on her own when i can't trust her, my mum would be able to talk some sense in to her, and also it would give me a bit of breathing space as its so stressful.

She's trying her best to drag me down emotionally, saying that i don't want her back and that i dno't love her - i really do love her but she needs a massive change of attitude in her life and i was hoping this would show her that we mean business. maybe it's gonna take longer than i thought - if we let her come home because she is upset she will think she has won and heaven knows what will happen next.

Am I right to persevere and be so hard on her? I try very hard to be strict but I know i'm a softy underneath and have been inconsistent in the past with her. My husband is very strict and has been with all the kids and manages to be consistent all the time so she doesn't mess him around so much - although she's now thrown up that she doesn't like spending time with him! She used to be be such a daddy's girl - it's so hurtful the stuff she is coming out with.

Underlying everything its really her attitude that is so appalling - but she says all her friends are the same and their parents don't mind - god I wish i could keep her away from those type of friends!

Someone please tell me i'm doing the right thing in being so hard on her - or if anyone has any advice on getting them back on track when they've gone off the rails i'd very much appreciate it.

Wow - what a difficult situation. I couldn't leave this unanwered but I should say that my dds are only 3 and 5 so I do not have any personal experience with this. However I have taught in secondary school so have a bit of experience with teenagers.

I think you are handling this pretty well. I would imagine that the most important thing is to keep talking to her. At 13 she is still very young and probably does need a careful balance of strict limitations on behaviour and reassurance of love.

I think giving yourself a bit of space from each other is a good idea and not backing down on any sanctions at this stage should stop the behaviour progressing.

I would wonder who she is hanging around with. The ability to get alcohol at 13 suggests she is hanging around with people older than her who are obviously not a good influence. Could you get her a hobby to keep her busy in her spare time so that she in fact has very little spare time to get into trouble?

Sorry I am not much help but can imagine my girls going through similar problems in the future and just wanted to give you some support.

As there doesn't seem to be many people awake at the moment I wanted to let you know there was someone here but as my DD's are 2 3/4 and 5 I don't have any experience with teenagers but it sounds like you are doing the right thing.

IME if she doesn't mess with her father and says she doesn't like spending time with him, then he is probably doing something right!!

You are only being hard on her because you want her to be better than she thinks she can be and because you love her.

X posted with lavanderbongo sorry

Thank you both so much for taking the time to reply - I'm so relieved that you think I'm doing the right thing and that I should stand firm. I dread to think what could happen down the road if we don't get her under control now but it's so hard.

Thanks again and I should probably stop stressing and try and get some sleep rather than sitting here worrying and working my way through the entire contents of the fridge! :-) x

Good luck

TBH - Im speaking from the perspective of a teenager (Im 22) - she is pushing her boundaries and being a little sulky cow because she thinks she can get away with it.

My 3 year old acts like this at times also. You have restrcited her pattern of behaviour in order to break the cycle which I believe is a good thing.

If you continue to remove her from bad influences (such as her "friends" etc) that may help.

I think your intervention is a good thing - stay strong

Yes, absolutely stay strong. Her tears are a good sign as well as being intended to manipulate you!

When she comes home you can be SO pleased to see her and discuss with her how you are all going to manage to live happily together. But YOU are the grown up people and you make the (reasonable) rules which can evolve as she shows that can be trusted.

Do book in enough treats that are unconditional though - time for her and you and time for her with her dad. I have sat through more pizza lunches with moody DS recently than I can count!! But the action of doing it anyway gives them the message that they are SO worth bothering with.

Also hugs, teenage kids are MEH.

Hi Slm1401,

I do have teenagers. Eldest DD is 18 and was a nightmare from the age of 14 - 17, DD2 (17) never too bad, but can be annoying to say the least, DD3 now 16 was awful between the age of 12 - 13 and 15. Now is an absolute delight. DS 14 not too bad at the moment, and DD4, 13 with the potntial to be a handful too, but so far not too bad.

For me, their bad bahaviour has been farily short-lived, but awful to watch them do. What works for me is for me to make a huge effort to stay calm, even if thye are shouting, screaming and even getting aggresssive and then when they have calmed down, - sometimes the next day, I sit and talk through what happened, how they felt andd why. Then discuss how things could have been handled better from both sides in the future.
It is so hard when they are just hell-bent on hurting you. They dont mean it. I remember yelling that I hated my parents at the same age and felt soo guilty for years afterwardS!!!

Does your DD have a good relationship with your mum? If so, I think this could be really good for her, but if the relationship is not built on love and respect between them , I wonder whether she may be feeling pushed out and unloved and hurt by being sent away to "nanny" to make jher behave. - sorry, not judging you, just an observation.

I would have loved someone to be able to send my horrors to at times, so understand why you have done so.

Could you use the summer holidays to encourage a positive freindship with some good friends, rather than the ones who are perhaps not a good influence.
It was during the summer holidays that my , now 16 yr old, was eeked away from her bad influence friends. Would she enjoy a little job, or volunteer to help out somewhere. DD loves helping disabled children and she volunteered at a local club, which made her feel really good about herself, really valued and accepted.

I would suggest that you show DD that she is loved totally, that you are there for her and let her have her say about what is happening to her. you may be surprised at her maturity and how she sees what is going on. Communication is the key. Keep hjer talking to you and be prepared ot listen, even if she says hurtful thing.

not sure that any of that will be of use to you, but you are not alone. She WILL come out the other side of this and will be the loving daughter that seems hidden at the moment.

You need to stay strong! My eldest DD was a complete nightmare to live with, almost splitting our family up in the process, but at almost 17, she is finally realising, and will even tell other younger teen children of my friends, that its not worth it! Until you have lived through it, you won't understand how ecstatic and emotional it made me feel to hear her say that to another!

You are doing the right thing by being hard on her, but DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF or let her grind you down. I suspect by doing this over the years, she has got herself where she is now.

I don't know any unruly teens who have not told their parents it is because they don't feel loved, feel pushed out, feel the odd one out etc etc and try and blame the parents.

All I would say is keep telling her you love her very much, and once she comes home, show her, and try and keep her close, plan some things to do just the two of you, don't give in to demands and only make threats you want to and are able to keep. I stopped grounding a long time ago as it made me miserable having my DD raging through the house for a week or whatever. Instead I hit her where it hurt - banning computer time was the most effective for us.

As others have said, she WILL come through this, I never believed it as we have about 5 years of utter hell, but mine has now and is once again (mostly ) a delight!

I'm the Mum of a 16 year old daughter. She too can be truly awful, sometimes relentlessly so. We have had spells of falling out for weeks on end, me in tears, her in tears, it has been pretty desperate stuff at times. At last (almost 17) we are seeing the first signs of a decent human being emerging

That said, sorry but I think yes you are being too hard on her by sending her away. Teenagers veer between thinking they are the most independent beings on earth and desperately needing parental love. However much she 'hates' you and 'knows' she can manage without you, she will be feeling very rejected now and whilst she will no doubt be contrite for her behaviour, she may also be very worried about your love for her. Allowing her a short call home sounds almost as if we are discussing someone in prison.

She hasnt done anything REALLY awful has she? My best friend threw up in my Dad's car when we were 14 (we were both drunk but she was drunker ). We've both turned out reasonably OK women I think.

Its so hard being the parent of a teenage girl. But I'd bring her home right now, tell her how much I love her and just keep trudging on through the difficult years trying to be firm, fair and consistent.

All the best.

maybe you read my recent thread about my own dd who was 13,now 14.

everyone on my thread seemed to think it was hormonal....doctor says not!

school are doing a CAF something or other. how is she in school??

Stay strong and persevere. You obviously have a lot of confidence in your mum and it is great that she is supporting you in this way. Great example of families pulling together. I agree that time away from each other is a good thing and for that reason she must settle into being with your mum, who, as a retired teacher will have plenty of tricks up her sleave. Support your mum in this so she can see it through, perhaps visit and do something organised and a bit fun, discuss it with your mum in detail so you don't undermine her. Don't be dragged into emotional scenes with your daughter. It sounds as if you are very safely frightening her into the realisation of how awful she has been and that you are a person. As time goes on you will need to establish new boundaries so that she appreciates that you need to trust her, by her demonstrating she is trustworthy, and that she cannot simply demand that. This is giving your DD great time and attention and could be nipping what has become an intolerable situation in the bud. If she says she has been unhappy, believe that, it's a cry for help, you are the adults and she can be redirected into constructive activities. Reassure her that she is lucky to have the family she's got, plently of examples of older teenagers continuing to throw up in public places time after time, learning nothing. She needs to know she has just gone through a "right of passage" that many have gone through before. Get her to acknowledge that she does not want to continue down that route and that she has a bright, happy future. My parents were great with DS as a teenager, he would be sent to stay with them so that we could all cool off. It was a great support and readdressed the balance of the influence his so called friends had on him. That way, you may lose a few battles but you will win the war.

Set the boundarys - not to many

ignore the attitude and stop the bad bahavour

then try to get along

her room - her mess or tidy room, it's her space as long as none of your things in there - that includes plates and knives and forks glases- they mustn't go in the room

Get her home - give her some reasurance but explain you are not putting up with her crap/rubbish -matter of fact

try to love her but be matter of fact about her when she behaves badley - if you get to emotional it doesn't help - so matter of fact thats not on

if you want to have punishments set them

To my mind you can't have a punsihment of grounding - if you don't know how long it is going to last or there wasn't any warning before - so say lateness or this or that is one day grounding

but pick your battles carefully and set limited rules for now and the way that they will be delt with

you alwyas get one that is a nightmare

I just wanted to say thank you for all the helpful relies - you really are so supportive on here!

We've decided that we'll bring her home tomorrow - the last couple of days have seen her make a huge effort at my mums - more than I've ever known her make before! So, I'm going to sit down with her calmly and explain the boundaries and then not be confrontational if I have to pull her up on them. As my dad used to say 'raise your eyebrows not the roof' !!

I feel loads stronger than I did a couple of days ago but I think that's because we've had a break from each other - and also the fact that we chatted for ages on the phone last night about nothing in particular but it was just lovely to have a nice conversation with her - she sounded like my lovely daughter again (pre-teenager!).

Thanks again for all your advice - it really has helped

Also meant to say there were some excellent suggestions on here, many of which I'll be taking up - about reassuring her, keeping her busy, planning things to do with just the 2 of us and to keep talking to her.

Sim

I recognise all the descriptions of your daughter - I also have the problem, plus having lymphoma - which makes me physically weak. I have also thought about giving her over to my mother.

You need to be kind to yourself - give yourself care and love so that you can build up your strength.

Sending cyber-hugs and a reassurance, as I think you have already realised, that there is still your lovely girl under there. She will come back to you soon enough....

XX

Hi all, hope you are all ok.

I have a 13 year old DD and those who have read my previous threads know that she can be a absolutely nightmare, last week we went to stay with my father in the countryside away from her friends, surprisingly she behaved very well, she worked in the large garden to earn money and appeared satisfied. Took her out and spent some money on her. When we came back home, back to reality and she became unpleasant again. So I can only say is that when friends are around she behaves badly, but deep down it does seem that she can be a pleasant human being. We too have have had a CAF form done and our SS department have laid on some activities over the summer but as yet she can't be bothered to attend. We are now going into week 3 and so far she has not been too bad. Although she has spent all the money she earn't on rubbish. She now has to ask for money to do things to stop her from frittering it away. Hope things work out, I am sure this is just a phase that is meant to tear our hair out.

Persevere and be consistant with her.

Ask her what she wants out of her life. If she's not interested in anything, get her to volunteer somewhere.

And have her mental health / endocrine system assessed if she continues to go unwashed and moody - she could be depressed tbh.
How does she sleep? Does she get enough?
Is her blood sugar balanced, or high and then low - this can really effect moods.

Good luck to you.

consistent, even