Worried

[pinkchoccy]

I have a son who is 20 and I have heard that he is taking valium! I amvery worried as his behaviour is awful and he steals from us. we are now not allowing him to come home and live as he cannot be trusted. Don't know what to do?

He also regularly smokes cannabis and uses recreational drugs even though he denies this.

Anybody had any experience of this?

No, but you have my heartfelt sympathy. I am not an expert, but the valium might actually be helping him. Don't you have to get it on prescription? In which case, he must have seen a doctor, which means that someone is monitoring him, and he has had the sense to seek help.

Awful behaviour + stealing = (most likely) drugs + some level of unhappiness, I think. According to my three nephews, all aged 19 - 21, recreational drugs are par for the course at this age. And, it has to be said, the behaviour of many kids in their late teens can be horrible. How long has it been going on for? This is a really difficult age for almost all the young men I know. Long holidays from school, college or uni, no money, no job ...

But stealing? Is it to get money for drugs? How much/often/when did he start stealing? What did he say when challenged about it?

Does he have a job or is he at college? Do you know any of his friends? Can you get them on side?

Above all, where is he living if not with you?

I'm sorry not to be able to help. Somehow you have to talk to him. Maybe you could see a counsellor?

Good luck.

Thank you for your reply grannieonabike. I know the valium is because he has now hooked up with another crowd and they do it. The valium is not via a doctor it is bought off the street. He started using drugs from the age of 14 years. He became permenently excluded from school for being aggressive towards a teacher. We have our own business and he just was becoming difficult to get up on a Monday morning. Refused to go to college on a Tuesday. Spending all his wages in a night, usually a Friday night. He has stolen nintendo dsi's , a laptop, money, wine, mobile phones etc etc. We hae really tried with him. Friday he took my Hi Fi unit to cash converters and sold it. I have 3 other children and I can't allow him to be at home because of his behaviour. I am just really, really worried because of his valium misuse now. When I saw him on Friday he looked unwell. He can lie to your face so talking to him is no use at all. He is very convincing but it's all lies. I am very worried, upset and have a sense of bereavement and I have to let go.

pink choccy ......you have to let go????

Jesus woman this is your son ,parenting is not just about wiping chocolate smudges you know.

I may well be speaking out of turn but ffs he needs you now more than ever and tough love is so much harder to give,put your foot down and help him get sorted.

I can't get him sorted he has to do it! I have helped him so many times and he has just used and abused us. We have done everything possible. I mean everything possible. He is very SCARY and aggressive and I have two little boys aged 3 and 6. It isn't my son anymore he is very dark! nickschick I appreciate your comment because thats why I posted I am absolutely devestated. It hurts like hell. I love him more than anything. It is very hard especially as I can not put every little detail on here and it has been very serious! I don't know what else to do. It is NOT straight forward. I have done tough love and it is very hard and I swore I would never do this. He hasn't been thrown out he left and sneaked in and robbed me. It was his choice to just go for no apparent reason. Can't let him back in because he is dangerous.

This is definitely a time to distinguish behaviour from person in terms of what you are unhappy about. Unconditional positive regard for the person without condoning the behaviour. Find out what he is taking if possible, find out balanced information about it/them - substances themselves not necessarily bad, and not necessarily a case of prescription drugs good, recreational evil. Does sound like he needs real help though.

What do you have in your area by way of drug/alcohol services? You could find out from GP maybe, and they could refer him if he'd go or maybe you could be referred to organisations who support friends and family? Additionally 0800 77 66 00. It's a free and confidential telephone helpline, which gives information about drugs and drug abuse. It's open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

it is hard but stay positive, I wonder if al-anon have a drugs equivalent like NA but for families? Wondering about his mental health too, substance abuse both cause and effect. Think is important to be really really positive around him and look for strengths at moment, there will be some.

Can understand why he can't be under same roof as his young siblings by the way

It is really important to look after YOU

it is fine to have and acknowledge limitations, you can't change his behaviour, only encourage and support him to make the changes

Thank you mitchyinge. I think I will have to try and get some support. The trouble is he denies to me and thinks there are no problems. He is currently under probation and isn't attending community service. So maybe they will be able to help. I was promised by him that he would get help. Supported him through court attendances, written letters to judge, gave him a job , paid for driving lessons that he didn't turn up for, got him into college, and he wasn't attending. Ensured he attended the police station everyday to comply with bail conditions. Then as soon as it was all over he just goes back to how it was. Just feel so let down and upset. Can't cope very well. I appreciate your positive comments because I don't feel very good at the moment. I have tried to be very supportive but seen as an easy mug!

It sounds like a living nightmare. Hope you have people around you to lean on, maybe other parents here can share their experiences too. It's not a problem many can understand is it?

With respect I have been in this position.

And I think that if my own mother had 'mothered better' then I wouldnt have a 45 year old brother who is a junkie and has no interest in family yet cries because he just cannot 'do' family as much as hed like to.

With respect the teenagers I 'counsel' for want of a better word have sometimes found solace in drink and drugs -petty theft and vandalism - with guidance and support things do change - its not about neccesarily shouldering the load for them its finding the right places to go to for support.

So with the greatest respect please dont assume I haven't experienced such despair.

Why oh why are people so quick to blame the Mothers when problems like this arise?

pinkchoccy, listen to maryz - good advice to try to get some support for yourself, and phone Mitchy's phoneline. Clearly you should protect the little ones as much as possible. (What sort of relationship does he have with them? Could you appeal to him on their behalf - ie that he should show them a good example?

I wonder if he has decided that he is beyond saving? Have you any idea what triggered all this? Did anything happen to him?

What about the rest of your family? Can they help? Is there someone he is close to who would talk to him? The way I see it, it's a whole family problem, and it sounds as if you are trying to cope on your own.

Has he a reasonable friend? It sounds as if he is keeping down a job, at least.

Feel so sorry for you. Try to think calmly about what to do for the best.

nickshick wasn't blaming anyone. She was talking about her own mother.

'its not about neccesarily shouldering the load for them its finding the right places to go to for support'.
Sounds like good advice.

My mothers answer was to kick a boy out of the house aged 12,he was living on the street - he clearly had problems at school and I think nowadays he would be diagnosed with dyslexia possibly other SEN he can barely write and has taught himself to read.

there was support available my mother chose not to take it so she made him the 'problem' of the community.

I dont for a minute think the kids I 'counsel' (at the local youth group) are hearing from me anything different from what they hear their own Mums saying but having an outsider look at your situation and know where to go for support can make a hell of a difference.

One of 'my' kids has left school with no exams.
she was on a bad path,she intended to keep getting pissed smoke a joint etc etc and get a job.

We looked at how much it would cost her to live and what she could potentially earn,we looked at what her father could claim and the EMA she would receive and my girl is going to college in September to retake her exams.

How did you get the counselling, Maryz?
Why won't Social Services help? Do you have any support from the rest of the family?

Another thing. I'm sure no-one who thinks about your situation or pinkchoccy's would say it was your fault. Who cares whose fault it is! Just why do these boys do these things.

My son (15) sometimes gets so angry he scares me. Why? It's always when I say he can't do something, or he feels I have more power than he does in a situation. But where does it come from? Hormones?

Maryz so sorry for you. I hope you really have stopped blaming yourself - you wouldn't blame anyone else in your position, so why be so hard on yourself? You haven't let your younger kids down. You've done your best, and they will look back and love you for it.

Pinkchoccy get help for yourself, like Maryz says.

nickschick I appreciate your comments as I really have had no experience prior to this and I myself don't drink, smoke or have ever taken drugs. So I am very niave to this situation. My son was a very clever child at school and was doing very well. He was given his first taste of cannabis on the park age 12. He told me this himself. He got in with a crowd at age 14 from school who did cannabis and other drugs. The parents of these kids let him stay as the parents were drug addicts themselves. They kept him their and I didn't know who was putting him up. I reported to police he was missing and would drive the streets night after night looking for him. I would be unable to sleep worrying about him. I would keep jumping up at the window hoping he would come home. He told me those were the best days of his life. I am the kind of Mother who would read with him at night, walk the floors with him when he was ill, attend all his school open days and parent teacher events. Loved watching his plays. I was very proud of my son and will do anything and always be there for him.
I don't feel I am helping him though doing everything for him.
Thank God for your reply Maryz I just needed somebody to post who was in the same situation. You are describing my situation exactly and just that is a relief. My parents have advised me to get counselling and I feel I can't because I am so upset inside. I do blame myself for not handcuffing him to the bed!!! When your son at age 14 is 6 foot and strong it is hard to keep them under control. I have 3 other children and they are not the same. They are supportive to me so I don't think it is my mothering. My children are scared of him. I have to protect them. But it hurts like hell!

I also did not throw him out at age 14 he chose to stay away I would beg him to come home but he wouldn't. He didn't want to know.

Maryz I tried to involve social services when my son was 14 and they told me give him wings but give him roots!!!! Really helpful. There is no help out there. I at one point considered it may be hormones for the anger but now I think it is the come down from the drugs. I think my son had boredom issues at school and couldn't sit down and work. It has crossed my mind that he has ADHD. He is always the one who will do what ever the crowd says no matter what. you do blame yourself because everybody presumes there is a fault with the parent. my son has a caring family.