DD ( 15) taken up with 18 year old boy what to do

[cremolatorium]

needless to say dh and i are pretty unhappy. DD just turned 15 lasy week and is professing undying love for him. He has left school and is basically texting her constantly. Have talked to dd wbout it but she is weeping and begging me that she doesn't want tro break it off. < sigh>. oh what to do what to do. I have asked her if he has asked for sex and she says yes ( sio NOT READY!!!)
Is currently not eating or sleeping and is obsessed with the lad.

anyone got some good advice as to handle this senstively before she stops listening to me altogether

Hmmm. I don't think it's that bad an age gap really? You say he has left school - to do nothing, just dossing around? Does he have plans for the future?

I would strongly advise you to tread carefully in this, because the more you speak against the relationship the more she will feel like she is in some Romeo & Juliet type of scenario.

I was 15 when I had my first serious boyfriend and he was 19. We were together 4yrs. I remember mum getting quite upset about it all but just couldn't see what the fuss was (am now a mum so do understand more). I grew up and we split up, and it was all over.

I would suggest that you tell her your there for her if she wants to talk to you about anything at all and that you put time limits on how late she is aloud out. Or you invite him to yours (not to sleep over) so you know where they are. You obviously have a close relationship as she told you she is having sex with him (no way would I have told my mum that and we were fairly close) so you need to keep those channels open.

I think Pixie is right in that it probably will be intense and over very quickly and as such you'll need to be there to help her when it ends as it inevitably will.

she is staying with her granny at the minute and weeping down the phone because she knows I disaprove. TBH its not a case of diasapproval as much as I think the relationship is inappropriate. he is dossing about - in a band- on the dole. she is doing well at school and in her head -you are right emkana- she is feckin Juliet. I am hesitant to ban the thing completely as she will of course trun straight into his arms. we are way most of the summer , so I have said top her to wait and esee how she feels in september,
for the time being i asked to stop texting him every minute of every day and arrange a phonecall in aweeks time ( to stp her Granny going mad) she is supposed to be on holiday with her grandparents and they don't know what to do with her. should i get them to take charge of the mobile phone?

no no no she is NOt having sex with him - he is pressuring her for sex. sorry but he is technically an adult and she is a child. she was 14 last week FGS onlt turned 15 on Saturday!!!!!!

sorry cremolatorium, I misread that, I thought she said she had slept with him. Still, it shows she is close because she told you that.

You are right, she is too young at only just 15 and I think you are doing the right thing by keeping her away from him. She is, as you say relishing (in a way) the drama of it all.

Would it cause masses of trouble for her grandparents to remove her phone? Is it pay as you go? Can you only top it up to a certain amount or just cancel it altogether?

I'm off to bed now but I do hope you get this sorted with your daughter.

I would forget about the age gap and behave the same as you would if the boy was also 15.

He may be a very immature 18. My ds is 17 and his friend who is 18 was going out with a girl of 15, but no one saw anything odd in iit as they are all just part of the same gang.

So I would advise not adding to the drama of it all as 15 year old girls just love drama , and just stay very calm talking to her about the relationship, and treat it as not a bit deal.

Hopefully she'll get bored.

remind her that if he gets reported to the police that he will be arrested for statuatory rape.

this will then come up on CRB checks and he will not be able to get a job with any culnerable person - be they children, patients, anyone in social services, the elderly, anyone with mental health issues - it closes a stupendous amount of doors for him.

remind her that it won't be you who tells the police, but it just takes her to tell a friend and the friends tells an adult - or he does the same and their worlds will come crashing down

meanwhile, you should look to getting your daughter on the pill/injection/implant

she might have sex - and this might be the last thing you want - but it doesn't mean that it won't happen.

better to prevent a pregnancy where possible.

Also tell her that if she loves him, she won't put him through the trauma of being arrested. that no matter how much he says its worth the risk, or it isn't a risk at all, if she really loved him, she would do whats in his best interest

reverse phychology there.

I would also be trying to make sure that her schedule is pretty full with fun things she likes to do - if you possibly can. thigns with her friends. perhaps inviting friends over, paying for them all to go to pictures etc.

do you happen to have a handy large DH? they can also act as a deterent in a 'touch my daughter before she is 16 and i will find you and do your fucking knee caps in' type of friendly chat.

but you must remain calm, YOU must remain in her confidence, you must be the one she asks for advice and she comes to in confidence.

If you have a dh or a dp - asking them to be the baddie is a rotten job - but someone has to lay down the boundries and someone has to remain in possession of as much information as possible - and its hard nigh impossible to be the good cop and the bad cop.

if she has a good relationship with granny, might be a thing to ask granny to be the good cop, shoulder to cry on, safe place to run away to.

there needs to be a person who will bite their lip, give sensible non judgemental advice so that your daughter will be forthcoming with details.

and its bloody hard, haring gory details whilst you just want to shake them and shoot the boyfriend/girlfriend.

but this is the thing to remember

if you want to keep your daughter or son - you have to be nice to the girlfriend/boyfriend - invite them round for tea, be interested int heir life etc.

and even if you hat them, if you want to remain on good terms, and still be a figure of importance in your teenagers life, this is what you have to do.

very very wise custy

This was me, a long time ago. My first proper boyfriend was 18 and had left school when I was 15, and about to take GCSEs.

Reading your post makes me wonder how horrified my parents must have been, particularly when I went through a phase of saying that actually no I didn't want to go to university. But they bit their tongues, and did pretty much as Custy advises.

He was welcomed by my Mum and frightened of my Dad (who remained discreetly but intimidatingly in the background). I was allowed out with him provided I respected curfews etc. I eventually dumped him due to his inferiority complex irreconcilable differences when I saw sense and started browsing university prospectuses.

In your situation - the sex thing would bother me a LOT, so definitely have the clear and frank talk that custy suggests VERY SOON. After that you have little choice but to hope and pray you've done enough and she has the courage and sense to dump him fast

Custy is goood!

I would definitely be asking him round for tea in order to get to know him and thus exploiting his weaknesses and to keep an eye on him. If he's not so out of bounds he will not be so desirable.

I remember my mum asking me in a very matter of fact way how I would support a baby with my (loser) boyfriend and where would I live and what have you. She made it very clear in a very ordinary and non-hysterical way that if I was going to make adult decisions then I would have to take the adult consequences. No university and the thought of living in a high-rise really made me think hard that this was not the life I wanted for myself.

yes savoy good point. my ds (17) is all loved up and it came out in conversation ( as it does ) that he thought that if hes gf got preggers they could live here!

i told him that was not the case, he would have to live with her and her parents. he would have a family, be a man and have to take any job to support that family.

i dont know what gave him the idea that i would have a baby in the house. he is clearly deranged.

I was 14 when I met DH and he was 18. My parents did the most sensible thing and just kept a watchful eye on our relationship. We are still together 27 years later.

Having said that I was a very 'mature' 14 year old and he was very quiet and shy (in fact it was me that led him astray ). Also, thinking about it my parents were quite sensible in that they encouraged us to spend a lot of time at their (my) house for the first couple of years and although we were in a different room a lot of the time, we knew they were around and didn't chance getting up to more than a good snogging session. They also made sure that we didn't see each other every day and that I kept up my other friendships.

But..... now that I'm a mother to two teen girls I have had to bite my tongue about them having boyfriends because they know how young I was when I met their dad. There comes a time when all we can do as parents is to hope we've laid down the foundations for them to make positive choices and if does go wrong be there to pick up the pieces.

When you say he has asked her for sex, is this in the 'trying it on' sense or is he actually pressurising her? If it's the former then TBH this is not unusual really, is it? DD1 and her boyfriend are both 16 and she has told me that he has asked but she has told him in no uncertain terms that it's not on the agenda now.

If your DDs boyfriend is actually pressurising her then a discreet 'quiet word' from your DH may be called for.

i think id only accept an older boyfriend if the youngest person in the relationship was 16. and even then if a 20 was trying to get it on with my daughter id be concerned.
i know im very uptight and i wish id change my mind, but i just think that an older/younger relationship, 15&18, id feel that something vital was missing in those people's lives for a 15 year old to need the attention an older boy and all the dangers brings, and an 18 year old who can drive smoke go to the pub at uni/full time job/house, why would they be interested in a schoolgirl? why??

i need to change my stance, i know its overly concerned

Well. Today we find out he is actually 20 and dd told him not to say anything or I would go Mad. so fuck me I went mad! Dh is ready to cAll the cops and I have got granny to withold the mobile for the duration of the holiday¡
dd is totally busted and knows she is now in trouble for lying and the punishment is reduced mobile access.
And and today I am in town and see him with another girl wrapped round him! aaaaaaaargh!
Ok
she is safe with granny

she knows it is o. V. E. R. And can't contact him
I am on the wine in the middle of the week

Big talk about trust, contraception and boundaries on dd's return

Totally normal for 15 year old girls to like 18 year old boys, they have roughly the same emotional maturity levels. girls of fifteen look at their male peers and feel like paedophiles at the thought of kissing such ridiculous little boys.

that said.

twenty is pushing it a bit, and with the pressuring for sex - no. tell her you have seen him with a girl wrapped around him - ad describe the girl to her because she might know her.

I had a 20 year old boyfriend at 15, but all we did was curl up on the sofa. I asked about sex (as was not a virgin) and he chuckled and said "nahhhh I like not being in prison, m'dear..."

lol at Colditz's boyfriend. They're not all idiots then...

I tend to put my experiences at that age firmly in the background since I'd have been horrified if my dsd was doing similarly!

However, I would be worried about a 20 year old lad wanting to have sex with an only just 15 year old girl. I remember having a discussion about age gaps with ds2 when he was about 18 and certainly, he was very uneasy at the idea of going out with a girl who hadn't yet reached "legality".

OP was quite right to be concerned and to add to things, Romeo turns out to be a philandering little git!