Stroppy 15 year old - with extra complications

[myfriendflicka]

My 15 (soon to be 16 year old) DD is driving me mad (and sad too). She has finished her GCSEs, and I would have said she is having a nice time right now. She hangs out with her friends post exams, is planning to go to a festival soon, and is generally enjoying the summer.

However she hates me, can't speak to me without added contempt,asks for lifts/money/clothes constantly and criticises me and her brother (aged 12) at every turn, very aggressively. I had an awful relationship with my mother (now dead) who was abusive and violent, and I suspect I have over-compensated in the way I relate to DD. I do give lifts/ money/clothes to an extent, though not always. I get her to clean the house in return for cash (she also has an allowance). I do say "Don't speak to me like that" when she is rude. However she takes no notice, won't even put one dish in the dishwasher, doesn't say please or thank you etc.

On the plus side, she is very independent, goes out (she doesn't have a curfew) with her very nice friends, stays at their houses, doesn't seem to get drunk or stoned and has never had a boyfriend that I know of (I would be happy if she did have one, I suppose I mean she doesn't have troublesome relationships).

Really, she does as she likes, which would not bother me if she didn't seem to hate me so much. If I refuse to do something for her (like buy coach tickets for her and four of her friends to go to this festival on a credit card for £150, they will pay me back apparently, hmmm) she gets very angry and hectors me: "Please! I am begging you!" then gets furious/rude if I say no and explain why not (lack of cash).

I have said she has known she was going to this festival for months, she could have saved up (she does babysitting jobs, I pay her mobile bill) or got organised about travel earlier than this.
That is one silly example.

Complicating factor: Her dad died nearly three years ago now. She hates all reference to him, won't talk about it and pretends he never existed.

I am really unhappy with the way things are between us but don't know what to so.

It sounds like you have both had a tough time but it also sounds like she is getting her own way and is not pleasant about it!

If you want her to be different in the way she speaks to you then she needs a reason to change her attitude and the most obvious way is a clear cut "You need to do X for me to give you Y', with a reasonable timescale for her to achieve that.

I would draw a line over all that you have agreed to do and start (maybe after the festival?)with a new regime. The way she talks to you and your DS is out of order and she knows it, she's just pushing your buttons and getting away with it at the moment!

Thanks netbd, you are probably right. So far I have lacked the emotional energy to be tough with her, but I am realising that we can't go on as we are.

To be honest, as the mother of two ex teens
and one current, she doesn't sound too bad.

If she has nice friends, isn't getting drunk/stoned then that is all good news.

If her father (and your DH??) died recently, that is very sad. Even if she doesn't mention him etc, I am sure it does have a bearing on her behaviour, as does your relationship with your mother (understandbly so).

But really, in the whole scheme of things, it isn't too bad. The demanding of paying for tickets by credit card is irritating I agree, but either you will do that (and her friends will pay you back) or you just say no.

Hating little brother is probably par for the course for a 16 year old girl but she will get over that.

Hating you? I am sure she doesn't really. Try to ignore the spiteful comments etc. She doesn;t realy mean it, I am sure. Teen girls can be pretty vile, but they don't really mean it, she will grow out of it. Try and bear it, tell her she is being horrid and you are hurt by her comments, but it will get better. Try to focus on the good things she does and just walk away and don't 'engage' when she is being horrible. There's nothing worse than getting no reaction from her point of view.

My DD is grown up now and we get on really well. Honestly, it does get better

That is reassuring, the last resort. I just wish we were closer. I can only hope the relationship gets better in time.

sometimes i get into a sownward spiral with my daughter, she starts in a mood for no reason, i get pissed off with it and it goes on - it might go on for ages.

then i say 'lets have a chat' i get THE face but then i tell her exactly how i feel, how i love her and i dont want us to be icky and can we start again and be nice to each other/

also i think its best if you want to put some rules in place to ask her what she thinks they should consist of.

so for instance if you were inclined to have a cerfew, ask her what she thinks is a reasonable time and negotiate it.

I think leaning on her a bit might make her feel grown up and see that you are a person - evoke some sympathy or empathy for you - i'm thinking that perhaps in your little 'lets clear the air' chat you could mention about her dad and how she is the only person that gets it, and how you wish you could have a little chat about him. really your getting her to agree to talk about it - in practice you can just listen and share rather than actually burden her with any issues or grief you have. its a strategy to think about anyway

Good advice from Custy there.

Yes thank you custy I will try that.