Boys and "magazines"

[peppercat]

Hello. This us my first post here and I'm hoping for good advice from those who've been there!

DS (my eldest child) will be 13 in October. He's well into puberty and I've just discovered he has a couple of girly mags hidden in his room. He was with me when I spotted them and I pretended not to see them, so I've yet to sneak back to see exactly what their content is. I feel I need to think carefully about how to tackle this, even before discussing it with OH, because it may set a precedent for discussing other sensitive issues throughout his teenage years.

I appreciate that "curiosity" is normal, but I'm not a fan of such mags and am not comfortable with him being exposed to inappropriate explicit content. I obviously want him to grow up with a healthy, respectful and responsible attitude towards women, sex and sexuality and recognise that this will need ongoing "training" throughout his teens.

I've no idea where/how he got hold of these mags and that is almost my most immediate worry. He's an intelligent boy in an excellent high school, but I know that doesn't preclude him from exposure to "trouble".

I'd really appreciate advice and experiences from parents of other teenage boys before I talk to DS.

Thank you

P

If he has access to the internet, the magazines are the least of your worries!

Oh good! A helpful comment. I'm not in the Dark Ages. ;-)

Maybe you could share how you broached such issues to hold a sensitive, supportive and parentally authoritative discussion with your own teenager? That is, after all, my reason for posting and a shared experience I would find genuinely helpful .....

Sorry - I don't have a teenager, so no helpful advice - I was just meaning, you're going to have to have the conversation anyway and where he got hold of the magazines seems a funny thing to be worried about when porn is so easily available over the internet.

Didn't mean to come across so bluntly, I apologise

It sounds very normal teenage boy behaviour to me.

I don't know if you saw The Sex Education programmes last week on C4, but if you are worried that he will get a warped sense of what is "normal" sex and body-wise, I suggest you sit down and watch them together and have frank discussions as necessary.

Is this for real?

Dont mention the magazines. You and your oh need to model respectful behaviour towards each other for him to have a healthy attitude to women. Tbh, in my experience a lot of teenage boys are misogynistic, but grow out of it by the time they're 20.

Eh?

Will you or DH be discussing it with him? I remmber my Dad speaking to my brother about his stash. He said he was too young to be reading (ha!) them and they gave an un natural image of women. This was years ago and the mags nowadays give an even more distorted view IMO. Ask him not too have them in your house.

No worries BertieBotts, Your comments are perfectly valid and we've already discussed "Internet safety/ content" in a small way with him, and I do know it's "normal" behaviour. The "sex" programmes may be a good idea- when I've got my head around my boy growing up so fast!!!

My issue at the moment is really that I'm not ready to broach this fully yet! LOL. He's only 12 and I was hoping for a little more time of "innocence", ( tho he's know the facts of life since he was 5). A tall order in this day and age I know.

I have an almost 13 year old, and whilst I haven't come across magazines, he did 'fess up to having a look at some pictures of naked women on the internet. I'm not a great fan of the porn industry, so we had a conversation along the lines of what is a normal body and what the porn industry promote it as being, the importance of a healthy, respectful relationship, the exploitation of women by the porn industry, safe sex etc etc. If he'd had a magazine in his room I'd definitely be having a conversation about where he got it from. I'm prepared to give him privacy in his later teens, but not at the age of 12.

Having said all that with my right-on hat planted firmly on my head I'm under no illusions, and am fairly certain he'll be doing a lot of looking in the next few years

i would tell him that you do not ever want to see them again. you don't have to go into this and that but make sure he knows you find them unacceptable.

My DS1 is 11. No signs of puberty yet. I think (providing we are talking newsagents soft-porn stuff) that I would talk to him about women's bodies and photo-shopped images and about exploitation of women in the industry, but without making him feel that he should never look at stuff, just raising the issues IYSWIM. I'd tell him that I don't really want to see stuff but if he wants to keep some in his room discreetly then I need never know.

I also plan to put some condoms in his bathroom cupboard once he is past 15 or so and continue to make sure that he has a box of tissues in his bedroom and a plastic bin (as he does already, though not for wanking purposes!)

Maisie thank you! Your comments are very reassuring. That is almost exactly what has already happened here re the Internet and our resulting conversation.

Following sallyseton's rather bizarre implications about me and OH (!?!) it got me thinking about whether I am "for real" and Its occurred to me that actually, the parallels between parenting a newly adolescent child and a newborn baby are striking in the sense that it's a huge shock to the system and a massive learning curve. SO, what may appear to be a very stupid worry/ question to a parent who's more experienced in such issues it is none the less a VERY significant issue to those at the beginning of that stage, so yes I am for real.

Thank you to those who have given helpful comments. I do appreciate it, but as this is my first foray on mumsnet, it's confirmed that I should actually be discussing this with my real friends with boys the same age.

Thanks again for your help.

MN can be incredibly helpful, and can offer views that perhaps our immediate friends from similar backgrounds and with similar outlooks can't.

Otoh, there are some incredibly unhelpful comments which are possibly not thought through properly. It's really best to ignore them.

Thank you Maisie! Maybe I'll withhold judgement a while longer! I've a feeling I'll have more panicky questions apoertaining teenagers over the years ! It's one of the reasons I'm making a point of enjoying my 2 preschoolers so much: this time I know how fast they grow up!

but argue the points that you find unhelpful

South - the thing is, when someone tells you to "get a life" there really is no point in arguing with them! There's nothing constructive in their post, and a waste of time trying to reason with them.

Pepper - I know how you feel. I have an 11 year old DD, and a DS of 3. I'm cherishing the time I have with him, because I know that he'll be a big hormonal lump of a boy in the blink of an eye. DD is also throwing up one or two challenges, but having been a pre-teen girl myself aeons ago, I can relate to her more than DS1. Teenage boys mystified me 25 years ago, and they mystify me still!

Oh no peppercat, I didn't mean to imply anything- just that if you want to teach him respect for women then you have to model it for him.

South- what Maisie said

neither do I want to argue a point here.

Maybe I should have phrased my post more simply along the lines of "please tell me how you have discussed issues of pornography with your adolescents because, being new to this side of parenting, I'm looking for ideas of how to, or even whether to, address the subject constructively at home"

Sally - what on earth do you mean "model it for him"? What part of the OP leads you to conclude that Pepper does not encourage respect?

Fair enough Sally, it just came across strangely. As our family is predominantly female he sees nothing but positive attitudes towards and about women at home, so I have no real worries about his future behaviour in that respect.

And yeah! What Maisie said, again! (thanks Maisie )

(Not wanting to appear antagonistic as a newbie )

But if people are trying to help, you could acknowledge them, as well as criticising those who you feel aren't doing so. Just an idea.

Oh for god's sake, just pointing out that the best way to teach respect for women is to challenge anything you find unacceptable that comes into your household, little comments, attitudes etc, and have your dh especially be consistently respectful to all women. Rather than having all these little chats. Not implying anything, just giving a little advice. Loosen up!

Btw- I do counsel against mentioning these magazines to your son. He's probably going through puberty and exploring his sexuality, and he has a right to his own private possessions. I don't much like the porn industry but it is entirely normal teenage boy behaviour. It's not like he has a porn habit. They are probably passed around the classroom or something.

Do you mean porn-lite mags eg nuts and fhm or the heavier top shelf stuff? If it's top shelf I can see why you would be concerned but still stand by the above.

When we reach that stage I'm going to ask DH to have a word about 'normal feelings' but out of respect for me to ensure they stay well hidden.

I think the important thing is to have an open and honest enough relationship with your son to enable you all to discuss these issues.

I accept that my DS will undoubtedly be bombarded with negative images of women in magazines and the internet. We will always challenge the messages they convey and I hope that the family influence has the most impact.