Scared of being this angry

[noteventhebestdrummer]

DS is 17 and has left home and left school to be with his older GF who has given him access to all kinds of drugs as well as sex and freedom which is clearly v attractive for him.

He's in contact with us which is good, he says so many good things, seems v healthy and well (claims not to be taking anything), has a job lined up (oops, drug references make me flinch but usually 1 second after I've used them), still sees his other old friends but I'm not sure how involved they are with his bad habit so that may or may not be a good thing.

Saw the GF when driving near their house recently and was horrified by my overwhelming desire to run her over, I never felt this much hatred for anyone before. Scared myself silly - and I've been accustomed to being scared over this last 8 months

What is he living on?

She is after something - make sure it isn't your money and belongings.

How much older is she?

Where are they living?

I think you have to make sure he knows that you love him, his home is there for him if he needs to come back. It may well go pear shaped very soon, if he doesn't have money to give her.

He is living on her student loan apparently, she's 21 and very needy and demanding. He knows we won't give him money, we do a tiny bit of food shopping sometimes for him.

They are in a student house and he says the landlord knew he was under 18 when he signed the contract but I doubt that...pretty sure he doesn't have any legal liability if and when things go pear-shaped. He DOES know he can come home at least, sure of that.

Be glad of the contact that he makes with you, take an interest in what he is doing BUT do not give him any money. Horrid, horrid for you to stand back and watch, but that is all you can do at this stage. Have you met her?

He can not have signed a contract for a lease under the age of 18 and in all probability 21. Letting agents demand ID. GF may well have had a prior agreement with others regarding lease etc and possibly they have moved on. Try to find out any information regarding her leaselold/letting agent. Young people often do not have a clue as to how accommodation (the world) works and. This will be double dutch to your son, because his brains are in his pants at the moment and he does not know what he does not know...

Yes, thanks, good advice and your kindnesses make me cry. It is horrible to watch.

I do know which letting agent they got the house from because he asked us to be his guarantors for his share of the rent and was offended when we would not!! The agent told me that DS would not be able to sign since he was under 18 so someone is telling porkies.

We have met the GF many times. At times I quite like her but I don't like what she is doing.

I think you are doing brilliantly: your son knows your home is there for him and that you love him, and you have resisted giving him any financial help (and we all know where the money would go). I admire you enormously.

Try to stay positive if he gets this job then at least he will have some routine and he will see more of how the world works. If you keep the channels of communication open, without compromising too much of yourself, letting him know he can come to you for advice, he will come to his own conclusions after the novelty wears off. It's really, really hard, but think of it as part of his wider "education", older woman, no parents. In all likelyhood it will make him grow up (I know it's not the way you wanted) sounds like he has had a loving family and knows what good standards are, that will play out in the end. When you mention drugs, so you think it's cannabis or something more? You say you have been accustomed to being scared over the last 8 months?

I agree the job would be good for him and that he is learning a lot from his choices lately.

At the crisis point when he told me what he was taking the list was very long, mephedrone was the worst I think because it made him so angry and violent and we had police involvement because the whole thing was out of control. So I can see that atm he is actually in a much better state of being because he does appear well and content...just he is not here and is not going to go back to the life he had before with his family at home.

Not really useful to be sad.

mephedrone is that plant food stuff, right? So, so stupid but lots did it, there was loads of publicity surrounding it and many saw how exploited they had been and luckily it was a phase for them. Must have been heartbreaking. Our son took cannabis whilst still at a very good school and just about got away with it as we went to the police because older teenagers & adults were involved. Later, when it involved the Police again it was crushing for us, but as we had informed them previously, he got off lightly. It has been a battle but things sorted themselves out once he realised who were true friends Vs waste of space. You will be sad for now, but take heart that he is doing better now and trust that one day he will come back, older and wiser.

Yes, plant food, sounds harmless It's not.

DS is still angry on some levels since we shopped him to his school and to other agencies, he hates being 'controlled' he says, can't see that he is being controlled more now than ever!

Thanks for writing, helps.

17 is still so very, very young, sounds as if he did a lot of damage to himself very quickly causing great alarm to you & his family. Looking back, it's unbelievable what we coped with (and that's down to the individual family/departing from their norm)apart from the aggression which came when confronted, the worst of it was the lack of communication; without that we imagined all sorts of worst case scenarios that were eventually unfounded. Be hopeful.

Hope I did not give the impression that I underestimated the drug/mephedrone. Poison that it is.

It IS really easy to imagine the worst I know. At one point the best news I got was a text from a friend of DS reading 'I'm with DS and he is eating a roast dinner' which was so normal it was funny!

I've remembered that the aggression is the effect of the drugs and that helped, he's not usually like that at all - in fact because he's quietly very articulate he persuades others that we are exaggerating things - I have to be hopeful that he will be true to himself because he does have so many good qualitites even if he does not feel that at present (I told him a friend of mine had suggested I write myself a list of all his positive attributes and he sniffed that it was bound to be a short list)

So yes, keeping him talking has to be a good thing, DH points out that DS would have left home in a year anyway but the 'normal' scenario would have been slightly easier to cope with!