New to this idea and don't know where to start

[QueenRudi]

Hello lovely ladies.
I am absolutely new to this and only just starting to look into surrogacy - I am looking for advice, recommendations and hopefully some first-hand accounts from someone who has been through this process already.
After two miscarriages, my partner and I were expecting a baby boy in 2021. Due to some complications, he was always meant to arrive via c section. However, when my waters broke at 37 weeks, the hospital screwed up in every possible way - they delivered him so late that he was starved off oxygen, and we could only hold him for two days before he passed. Additionally, they delivered him via T incision, which has left me with a very nasty scar all the way up to my bellybutton, which has increased the likelihood of a uterine scar rupture (and my mortality risk) in a future pregnancy to close to 10%. I cannot describe how scary it is to know that there is a good chance that I won't make out of hospital alive.
I recently suffered another miscarriage, which I think was partially caused by panic attacks and the emotional stress linked to this new risk.
Without going into too much details, the reason we are now looking into surrogacy is the prospect of having a bloodrelated baby without compromising my own life in pregnancy. I would so love to carry my own child, but a having a scarred womb makes it nearly impossible.
How did you start this journey? I think it is unlikely that I will find a friend or family member willing to act as a surrogate. Where shall I start looking? And how did you handle the financial aspect. With costs of more than $100,000 in countries that allow commercial surrogacy, did you request a bank loan? What alternatives are there?
Grateful for any help and suggestion I can get.

Thanks a lot!

I’m so sorry you went through that traumatic experience

what happened to you was terrible- what happens if that same traumatic experience happens to the surrogate eg terrible birth traumatic c section ongoing risks etc?

You're going to get shit for this. I'm so sorry for your losses. I hope surrogacy works out and get your rainbow baby x

without compromising my own life in pregnancy

You won't compromise your own life but don't mind compromising the life of another woman?

I'm sorry you've had a terrible time but renting a woman and buying a baby is not right.

This. Absolutely.

I'm sorry for your losses and the horrible time you've had OP but renting another woman's body isn't the answer.

Ignore any negative comments. If it's what you want go for it 😊x

Have you considered adoption?

Don’t do it. It’s a dangerous trade.

I am very sorry for your losses but it doesn’t give you the right to potentially put another woman through a similar experience

So sorry for your loss.

Commercial surrogacy ie human trafficking is vile and should be banned world wide. If you can't find a willing family member or friend (and ask yourself how you would feel if they died having your child) then don't do it.

100%

Very sorry you have been through all that OP, your hospital treatment sounds terrible and it all must have been so traumatic.

I'm against all surrogacy as it exposes women to exactly the same risks as you have suffered yourself. Which isn't to say I don't feel sympathy for your situation.

If you were to pursue this you should understand it could still all end badly, the newspapers may show stories if happy celebs "welcoming" the new baby they have acquired but they don't show the whole story.

I do wonder if there are higher rates of miscarriage with gestational surrogate pregnancies. Of course no one is keeping count or doing research but it's not uncommon to see a celeb telling of their "difficult journey" to obtain a baby and casually mentioning that they went through several surrogates or that the first one miscarried etc.

This podcast discussion with an Irish woman who has had babies via surrogacy illustrates this very well. Told she could never have a baby due to an unspecified (presumably congenital) disorder she turned to her sisters and best friend.

Her first sister had a baby for her without difficulty.

The second had THREE miscarriages. We don't know how far on she was but it's also worth mentioning that this happened in Ireland before abortion was legalised so if one of those miscarriages had turned septic she could have been at real risk. Mothers have died due to not having appropriate miscarriage treatment if a fetal heartbeat is still present.

Then her best friend stepped up. Sadly she had a premature still birth (from memory without re-listening I think she was about 30 weeks). I hazard a guess there's a reason why this woman did not contribute to the podcast. Could it be she was unable to acknowledge her own loss and trauma due to having to prioritise her friend's sense of loss? Her friend who didn't have to go through a traumatic birth of a still born baby. As a friend she was probably expecting to have continuing contact with the child, and had bonded with her baby more than planned?

Finally another sister had twins. We do not know how many embryos were implanted or if there was a plan for twins or if they were identical twins. But a twin pregnancy is much harder in the mother and a more risky pregnancy.

So four women were out at risk of harm for this one woman to pursue her dream of motherhood.

It seems a heavy price to pay.

And your surrogacy journey could be just as difficult if you pursue this.

Here's the podcast link.

www.newstalk.com/podcasts/highlights-from-lunchtime-live/sisters-and-friend-help-woman-have-four-babies-through-surrogacy

Hello,
So sorry about you, and your families, tragic loss.

I was a surrogate myself and had a lovely experience. As long as it's not hurting anyone else, people should keep their opinions and judgements to themselves.

Using a surrogate doesn't mean you are unfairly using someone, they/we get compensated well and there's thorough check-ups to make sure we are healthy before we even start the process, no matter what clinic and services you use, there will always be checks before any embryo transfer.

If you are serious about getting a surrogate, I would recommend getting started with the embryos first. If you unfortunately have issues with your eggs/sperm I would recommend using donor eggs/sperm, it doesn't make the babies any less yours! When you have healthy embryos on the way, I would recommend searching this forum, mysurrogatemom.com, findsurrogatemother.com, for a surrogate, and of course through your clinic! But be prepared that this may take years as there's not enough surrogates and it's a lengthy process all around, not just the pregnancy itself.

Surrogate part is also the most costly (not only compensation for surrogate mother itself, but flight tickets, hotel, medicines, embryo transfer costs, hospital birth cost, etc). Personally, only based on my surrogate experience, I would transfer 2 embryos at the same time since it's a big risk the embryos won't transfer in the first place and then you would have to repeat medications, hotel, flights, transfer costs, again. Even if you end up with twins, that is what I would do on a limited budget, but it's totally up to you of course.

Hope this helps, and whatever you choose, I wish you best of luck!

As long as it's not hurting anyone else, people should keep their opinions and judgements to themselves.

Actually it does hurt other people. Surrogate mothers are at risk of harm from exploitation and the inherent risks of pregnancy and childbirth, which are increased in the case of gestational surrogacy.

Women who are persuaded to be egg donors are at a range of risks, especially of ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome.

Babies are at risk of people trafficking, being abandoned if they are less than perfect, being purchased by a paedophile (yes this has happened) and growing up with feelings of abandonment and genealogical bewilderment, not knowing their origins and wondering about their mother - maybe wondering what happened to their Ukrainian mother abandoned in a war zone after their commissioning parents scooped them out of there.

But most of all, every person who engages in surrogacy contributes to the normalisation of the utilisation of women's reproductive capacity, the creation of a breeder class of woman and the purchase of babies.

In other words it contributes to harm to women and babies overall.

Personally, only based on my surrogate experience, I would transfer 2 embryos at the same time since it's a big risk the embryos won't transfer in the first place and then you would have to repeat medications, hotel, flights, transfer costs, again. Even if you end up with twins, that is what I would do on a limited budget,

A twin pregnancy is significantly more risky for the mother and the babies. The HFEA ran a very successful "One at a time" campaign to reduce multiple births associated with IVF for just this reason.

Take advice from the experts.

Addressing some of the most significant claims made above with scientific articles and sources since there's a lot of strong opinions which cast a very negative view on something that actually help families and can be so wonderful.

Egg donation I would see as a related, yet different topic from surrogacy itself, but since @FannyCann brought it up, I will just shortly mention that looking into the impact, there seems to be few follow-ups to check if any/all health issues are because of the egg donation. More info here: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4416474/ Advocating for longitudinal follow-up of the health and welfare of egg donors (2014). Woodriff et al. The specific risk of actual severe Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome in assisted reproduction was 0.2-1% as of 2007. But yes, there could be more info and check-ups for those who choose to donate. Anyone who wants to check the facts can see this article with sources (warning for pictures!). www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9212082/#:~:text=According%20to%20World%20Health%20Organization,stimulation%20cycles%20in%20assisted%20reproduction. Sudden death of an egg donor during oocyte retrieval due to ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome 2022. Tyagi et al.

Still, my personal opinion with two embryos, and I have not in any way claimed to be a professional one, just being a surrogate. Anyone in IVF would need to listen to their clinic's advice, but there are interesting articles regarding amount of embryo transfers and quality of them, but once again, it's obviously needed to listen to their clinic. rbej.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12958-022-00899-1#:~:text=Multiple%20pregnancy%20increased%20the%20risks,pregnancies%20following%20ART%20%5B4%5D Comparisons of benefits and risks of single embryo transfer versus double embryo transfer: a systematic review and meta-analysis (2022). Ma et al.

Ensuring surrogates are taken care of and healthy, and not exploited are a basic fundamental. Sadly, that might not always be the case, but it's not true that all surrogates are exploited, and it's a complex issue, and any complex issues, we should not claim all cases to be the same. More interesting reads about it here: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s40609-014-0019-4 Global Surrogacy, Exploitation, Human Rights and International Private Law: A Pragmatic Stance and Policy Recommendations (2014). Bromfield & Rotabi.

Regarding safety risks for the pregnant surrogate, I had no complications. Instead I had a great pregnancy and birth, but again, only speaking for myself and based on my own experience as an actual gestational surrogate. Studies seem divided, but this article from 2021 went in-depth regarding this (you will need an account to read the whole article, but the review is openly available). Is a Surrogate Pregnancy a High-Risk Pregnancy? 2021. Amorado et al. https://journals.lww.com/obgynsurvey/Abstract/2021/05000/Is_a_Surrogate_Pregnancy_a_High_Risk_Pregnancy_.20.aspx#:~:text=for%20pregnancy%20complications.-,Summary,risk%20for%20a%20placenta%20previa.

About child trafficking, I will just quickly mention this article: www.antitraffickingreview.org/index.php/atrjournal/article/view/542/416 View of Commercial Gestational Surrogacy: Unravelling the threads between reproductive tourism and child trafficking: Anti-Trafficking Review (2021). Hyder-Rahman.

Unfortunately, clearly, surrogacy is a somewhat toxic and very opinionated topic. Again, any who wants to get a surrogate should feel free to do so as long as that doesn't hurt anyone else. I apologise to anyone if I need to clarify the essential humanity of not exploiting or harming another person in that process. As a surrogate myself, I couldn't support it more and it's sometimes the only way for parents who are not able or allowed otherwise.

I tried to remove myself from these discussions because of the unnecessary, many times incorrect, and repulsive comments in these forums, but I needed to clarify at least some of the allegations made here. Hopefully all these comments will not discourage people from starting a family. Good luck!

QueenRudi have you considered adoption?

I’m so sorry for your loss.

But it doesn’t make it right for you to buy a baby, to pay another woman to risk her life by (higher risk, as all pregnancies from donated eggs are higher risk) pregnancy, then take the baby she has grown from the only mother it knows.

Hi new here,

I've been trying to conceive for about 5yrs now and am thinking of surrogacy. Any ideas how I go about this in uk 🇬🇧

Hello, no idea how to send a PM on this. Would you be able to reach out to me? ☺️

Hello, would you be able to PM me? I can’t figure out how to. New to this chat ☺️