Surrogacy in the UK

[ChangeYourStars]

Hi! My husband and I had a difficult journey to build our small family, and have been medically advised to look for surrogacy to complete our family. We are relaxed, happy and grateful to have experienced parenthood – and excited at the prospect of building a lifelong relationship with a surrogate and her family. I guess I question whether a surrogate would actually want to help IPs with kids? Welcome the surrogate perspective on this question please!

• Intended parents, London, UK

PS. No haters please; everyone has their own journey

My friend was a surrogate. Had a very positive relationship with the commissioning parents until the baby was born. They basically took the baby and never looked back. Please don't do this - you don't know how you will feel once the baby is born. You could add to your family in other ways. Or just consider your family complete as it is.

I can't get worked up about this really. Surely a surrogate enters into the agreement because they are happy with the arrangement. No one is exploiting anyone?
It does seem to be becoming a trend for wealthy people though!

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep but the poster wasn’t seeking people’s opinions on surrogacy, she asked for specific advice from the surrogate perspective. On what should be a safe place to do so.

Instead this board is used as a trap to bully anyone considering surrogacy.

I can't get worked up about this really. Surely a surrogate enters into the agreement because they are happy with the arrangement. No one is exploiting anyone?
It does seem to be becoming a trend for wealthy people though!

Well that is precisely one of the problems @TheVolturi
The power imbalance. How many wealthy people can you think of who have chosen to have a baby for a poor couple that can't afford it otherwise? Unfortunately there is a huge amount of exploitation involved in surrogacy. Maybe not quite so much in the U.K. as currently there are quite a lot of protections in the law, and also the NHS has a strong culture of safeguarding so hopefully they will pick up where there is a problem although I fear there are some midwives in thrall to the joy of surrogacy who won't be alert to the problems.

Currently surrogacy in the U.K. is meant to be altruistic although given how much it costs i question whether those surrogate mothers charging £15k plus would be so altruistic as to offer to do it for free. Meanwhile lots of other players make money off the back of that woman who has gone through nine months of pregnancy and childbirth: I don't see many lawyers offering their services for free.

The Law Commissioners recognise that this could be seen to be err.. possibly exploitative.

I liken this to offering the use of your lovely holiday home to a good friend who needs a break. Instead of going there for a holiday they advertise it on Airbnb. The Airbnb renters plan a private rave, selling tickets. employing caterer's, bands, and other service staff.
The house is trashed.

The insurers refuse to pay out because it was all your fault handing over the keys to your friends.

Everyone has made a bit of money out of your generous offer. You are left with a trashed house.

Except it is the surrogate mother who is left with a shot pelvic floor, stretch marks and possibly other birth injuries. The commissioning parents get a baby (or two) and the lawyers, fertility doctors, private fertility clinics, drug companies and others all get a fee.

I think the experience of this altruistic surrogate mother, who had a terrible time having twins for her good friends who then ghosted her once they had the babies sums it up.

nordicmodelnow.org/2020/01/29/i-was-an-altruistic-surrogate-and-am-now-against-all-surrogacy/

I'm very torn on this subject Op, I can understand from your side that you can't have another child yourself and really want one so asking for a surrogate seems your only way forward. I think however that since this first started people don't seem to realise what a huge thing you're asking someone to do for you and would someone really want to be connected to your family forever? I really am genuinely sorry that things have not worked out for you as you'd hoped but just because you want another child doesn't mean your entitled to one. I'm sorry, I feel mean saying this but surrogacy unless it's a close friend or family member makes me feel very uncomfortable

OP, please do take some time to look into the effect on newborn babies of separation from their mothers (because the newborn baby only knows their birth mother as their mother - we can use “intended parents” or “commissioning parents” as much as we like but this is their truth)

The law sets the bar very high for separation of unborn babies from their birth mother in care proceedings because they recognise the long term implications of this upon the baby.

Whilst I appreciate that you want to complete your family, but there are serious long term immeasurable and unknown consequences for the new born baby which you just can’t deny or mitigate against.

[quote CP26]@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep some people consider abortion ethically wrong even though it’s legal. As with surrogacy. But whatever your views I think you should be respectful of people’s choices. It’s not as if it is being rammed down your throat, this is literally the surrogacy board and you and the other posters must actively check it to see have seen this thread. Why bother?[/quote]
The only human who should have the rights is the baby - surrogacy irreversibly impacts on them for the whole of their lives. Who’s advocating for them?