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Talk to me about surrogacy in UK

14 replies

iClear · 31/08/2020 21:26


I have been thinking a lot about surrogacy, and the process. Myself and husband (hetero-couple) we have had a pretty difficult and rough fertility journey in the last 10 years.

But the journey to get here has had its own challenges. I am part of multiple surrogacy groups, and whilst, I have chatted and met many women who present themselves as surrogates, when I started chatting and share fertility journey to get to know, I was often just blanked, ignored, and shown no interest at all. Moreover, I felt like I was expected to charm them, and lure them into becoming our surrogate. I must have chatted with at least around odd 30 ladies.

The questions to you are - what did you do to match in your surrogacy journeys ? What did you say and ask to match ? Which platform did you match or was it independent ? What were your experiences like ?

The point is, when some of the surrogate mothers say: they genuinely want to help a couple form a family - I don'tt find that exactly true in many many of the cases. I won't go into the details of it, but would like to hear your views on your journeys.

I'd love to hear different views too.

OP posts:
OhHolyJesus · 31/08/2020 22:48

What are the surrogate mothers after then, is it money?

TheCuriousMonkey · 31/08/2020 23:01

Perhaps ask yourself how you would feel if the boot was on the other foot and you didn't have problems with your fertility. What would persuade you to become a surrogate mother?

FannyCann · 01/09/2020 05:24

You are asking a stranger to go through nine months of pregnancy and childbirth on your behalf and to give you the baby she has born. It seems reasonable to expect that they should like you and want to work with you. Sorry if something about you is causing them to steer clear.

Sittinonthefloor · 01/09/2020 06:01

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OhHolyJesus · 01/09/2020 08:02

After speaking to roughly 30 different women, who have offered to have a baby for someone, but just haven't picked you, I'd be thinking about why that might be too.

Maybe the common on denominator for the rejection is clear and you should reconsider whether surrogacy is for you.

Mumofjustboys · 01/09/2020 09:03

You need to consider it from the other point of view. If a stranger was asking you to put your body through emmense stress, literally risk your life and then go through what is a devastating psychological event which would go against every natural instinct you have in that moment, what would you need to know, hear and see to actually want to do that. Just because somebody is saying they are willing, in theory, to be a surrogate it doesn't mean they will offer to do it for everybody who wants them to

Wren26 · 05/10/2020 20:38

I’m shocked by the responses on this thread. I can only imagine how hard it is to have such a long difficult fertility journey to get you to the point of considering surrogacy. Then you’re expected to be rich and an expert in persuasion and sucking up to try and even get a surrogate slightly interested.
All of these comments questioning if OP needs to look at themselves?! How about you lot look at yourselves. The OP has asked a reasonable question and deserves reasonable answers from people who can actually relate not judge. (Sorry that isn’t me as I’m not on any version of a surrogacy journey. Just curious after having my daughter in March)

I’m not the nicest person in the world but what that means by the commenters standards I wouldn’t get to have a child of my own because the women willing to be a surrogate in the UK are so few that none of them would even consider me? And then on top of that when I try to find help I’d get comments saying I’m obviously horrible for no one to want to carry my child?!

OP- you shouldn’t have to charm or persuade surrogates. You shouldn’t have to force yourself to be their best friend or chuck money at them. But by the sounds of things surrogates are like finding a needle in a hay stack where there isn’t a money incentive in the uk and it is a big ask. So they get to take their pick and ignore the others. Sorry you’re having to go through any of this. I really hope someone can help you with any advice who’s actually successfully found a surrogate.

Keep your chin up. I’m sure you are a nice person but even if you’re not that should have nothing to do with whether you get to be a parent or not. And the comments on here are ridiculous.

Theworldisfullofgs · 05/10/2020 20:43

What wren said.

OhHolyJesus · 05/10/2020 23:06

You shouldn’t have to force yourself to be their best friend or chuck money at them

Surrogacy UK, one of largest and most respected agency in the U.K. (they are the contact for the APPG on surrogacy Reform) is very clear about it being about friendship first, when it comes to making matches.

It is illegal to "chuck money at them" as you can only claim for 'reasonable expenses'.

As PP says, and I paraphrase, to undergo a pregnancy in order for another person to have a baby, it's reasonable to expect those people to get along, at the very least!

Otherwise, it just becomes transactional. Is that preferable?

(And the OP invited different views...)

FannyCann · 07/10/2020 21:14

you shouldn’t have to charm or persuade surrogates. You shouldn’t have to force yourself to be their best friend or chuck money at them.

So surrogate mothers shouldn't want to do it for the money. Or because they want to help someone they like. Why should they do it then? To provide a service for free for anyone who feels they deserve to be a parent?

I’m sure you are a nice person but even if you’re not that should have nothing to do with whether you get to be a parent or not.
There are some extremely unpleasant entitled people who think they deserve a baby and a surrogate mother to provide it. So surrogate mothers should just set to, and provide breeding services to anyone who asks, even perhaps to people they feel they wouldn't want to hand their baby over to? People who maybe they feel wouldn't be suitable parents?

Alabamawhirly1 · 07/10/2020 21:35

This thead is basically asking how can a stranger be manipulated into having a baby for you.

Op, this isn't Guilliad. You can't force a woman into giving you a child. I'm sorry you can't have children but that doesn't give you the right to pay or manipulate another woman to give you one.

Unfortunately in this country surrogacy is legal if a woman is willing to do it altruistically. But if no one wants to do it for you, its sorta tough shit.

BenoneBeauty · 07/10/2020 21:46

Completely agree @Alabamawhirly1. Surrogacy is abhorrent and should be illegal in all decent, civilised societies. People should not be able to buy babies.

MarmiteChocolate · 18/11/2020 06:24

Hi OP, Hugs to you for the long journey you have had in your quest to become a family. I have a good friend who has been a surrogate twice and she always emphasises that surrogacy must be based on friendship, not seen as a business transaction to get a baby. The facebook groups are horrendous - potential surrogates getting swamped by would be intended parents who are desperate to "get to the front of the queue" and countless stories of intended parents faking friendship just to get what they wanted (a baby). Ethically I disagree with surrogacy and there are huge questions for me about attachment and trauma for the baby, and complexities around explaining the story to the child. However, I get that for some people adoption just isn't for them and surrogacy may be their only option.
My recommendation would be that if you are going to do surrogacy, do it properly. Join SUK, yes it costs a lot but you're going to need a LOT of money to get you thru the whole process so may as well do it properly. It is a slow and long process and impatience and tantrums won't get you anywhere.
All the best to you x

2021theyear · 18/05/2021 11:45

Hi, I am not sure if this thread is still active but my husband and I are considering surrogacy, we have no idea how to go about this! Please can anyone point me in the right direction?! Thanks! X

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