Offering to be a surrogate with no dc

[WantingToBeASurrogate]

Hi, have nced for this.

I want to offer to be a surrogate for a very dear friend of mine if her next round of IVF doesn’t work. She has mentioned surrogates before and expressed concern about it being someone she doesn’t know.

I made the decision back in November, have done research and talked to people and I am not only still sure I want to do it but it has absolutely cemented my decision. (Obviously she may say no but if she said yes then I would have no doubt)

The issue is, I don’t have dc of my own yet. I’m 32 and absolutely not ready to have a child of my own. I do want a child either by birth or adoption but that is several years off. I am fully aware that it is suggested you have dc incase something goes wrong and I would be unable to have my own going forward. I have put a huge amount of thought into all of these scenarios and still stand by my decision

I have looked at agencies and the majority say you have to have had your own dc first. Is this a rule? Do we have to work with an agency or can we do it ourselves (of course we will have a contract etc but she is a lawyer so could find someone to draw that up).

If rules are different depending on where you are then fwiw, we would have to do it in England (I live in England and she lives in Europe but in a country where there are huge restrictions on surrogacy).

Many thanks

Don’t do it. Don’t be a part of the commodification of women’s bodies - even if you say you don’t want to be paid, you are still contributing to a narrative that says women are the sum of their parts, to be bought and sold and used by others.

Don’t create a baby with the express intention of giving it away. The baby has no say in that.

@formerbabe

I am struggling to understand why you would want to do this?

Even I who am against surrogacy have thought long and hard about being a surrogate mother.

I didnt do it because I did already have children and knew for certain I could never give up a child who came out of my body. That bond is so very strong.
Even if you left out all the other issues, that one cemented very early in my mind.

Other issues to think about for OP

What if the child is disabled and the commissioning parents dont want it.
What if the child is found to be disabled part way through the pregnancy and comissioning parents tell you to have a abortion.
What if its twins and the comissioning parents dont want either or just one.
How will you cope with the commissioning parents telling you not to eat or drink something whilst pregnant.

Am sure others will be along with more.

You would not have to wait 12 months after birth to start trying for a baby

It's is recommended that you have a break of at least 12 months between pregnancies. The woman's body needs to recuperate.

But I'm not surprised someone advocating surrogacy wouldn't have any concern for the health of the mother, and tell her to go ahead and have another pregnancy a month after giving birth. We're all just breeding sows after all. Or do you think having a baby equates to keeping an egg warm.

I'm not surprised someone advocating surrogacy wouldn't have any concern for the health of the mother, and tell her to go ahead and have another pregnancy a month after giving birth.

Not what I said at all. I was just challenging a previous post which stated that you need to wait at least 12 months before getting pregnant again, as though that were a fact, which clearly it isn’t. But by all means use that to accuse me of being completely unconcerned with the health of the surrogate... Unsurprisingly having been a surrogate myself I’ve given a fair amount of thought to the health implications and risks!

I disagree Anon and Heather said it was recommended. Clearly not all women do this but pregnancy and birth takes it toll, I'm sure you would agree having had children yourself.

I saw a documentary about surrogacy recently and the surrogate mother lost her uterus so wouldn't have any more children - surrogate or otherwise. She was already a mother to one child. I know two women who have been advised by doctors never to get pregnant again as it would be life threatening.

If the OP did go ahead and for some reason struggled to get pregnant or maybe had complications that left her infertile, however likely/unlikely, it's a pretty big risk to take when you haven't had your own children.

I was responding to a post half way down the first page which said:

You also need to wait at least 12 months before getting pregnant again.

Didn’t sound like a recommendation, hence my response.

Absolutely there are risks around all pregnancies and the potential magnitude of these eventuating can be life changing. I think informed consultation with a medical professional on all risks and possible outcomes, alongside independent counselling, are both so important. U.K. fertility clinics insist on both.

I don't disagree with altruistic surrogacy, and I think it's unbelievable my kind of you to consider it, but I do agree with other posters that say that, until you have carried and birthed your own child, you have no idea what you are signing yourself up for or what you are giving up. I think it would be naive to offer under these circumstances and would represent an even greater risk of heartache, which is always a risk in the best surrogacy situations.

Didn’t sound like a recommendation, hence my response.

If the op wants to safeguard her health, then she does need to wait 12 months before getting pregnant. I don't think it needs to be stated as a recommendation. We all know you can get pregnant straight after giving birth. But you shouldn't - as per nhs guidliness.

You just told the op to get pregnant straight aftwe giving birth. That doesn't sound like you have the mother's best interests at heart. But of course you're part of the surrogacy cult - who I find time and time again are really big on recruitment. Maybe it's to validate what you did. Or maybe you have to recruit others so you can justify your actions as right and moral.

I did not “tell” the OP to do anything. I genuinely have no interest in influencing the OP or anyone else in their decisions, other than that I support the making of informed decisions by correcting misinformation when I see it (especially when I see it presented as fact), and I also responded to the OP’s specific questions. The OP has her own brain, moral compass, ethical code and circumstances to inform her decision - and I wish her luck whatever she decides.

I haven’t come back because frankly between the PMs and messages on here, I have no desire to. I forgot how anti surrogacy MN is and clearly this is not the place to get sensible, measured responses (either for or against it.)

But of course you're part of the surrogacy cult - who I find time and time again are really big on recruitment. Maybe it's to validate what you did. Or maybe you have to recruit others so you can justify your actions as right and moral

And shit like this is fucking ridiculous. Anon992 has pushed no “agenda” . She is the only one that gave sensible advice inc reasons why it may not work out and I’m grateful for her message.

Having a negative view of surrogacy and having an opinion of why it might not be a good idea is fine, some of the messages on here and pms are absolutely not.

I have been pointed in the direction of resources where I can get measured, sensible advice both for and against it and that has been far more helpful in making a choice then here.

As a midwife we always advised it take nine months to make a baby and nine months to recover.
For instance in addition to obvious effects such as birth injuries or post natal depression there are factors like recovering iron stores - not just the haemoglobin reading, but ferritin levels which reflect iron reserves. This impacts the next pregnancy, and the risks of anaemia if reserves aren't made up. At our blood transfusion updating lecture earlier this year specialist from our hospital transfusion service explained how important this is and exhorted midwives to monitor women who are discharged home with a low haemoglobin, especially if they had a heavy blood loss. She said new research is showing how anaemia during pregnancy impacts the fetus which makes sense when you think that the developing baby gets its own iron supplies from the mother, and of course the oxygen supply to the growing baby comes via the haemoglobin in the mother's blood.

Some people bounce back from pregnancy and birth more quickly than others. Obviously things like birth injuries will have an impact.
But frequent, close together pregnancies are never good for any woman.

I don't think MN is anti-surrogacy so much as pro-baby which makes sense as a parenting forum which actually anyone can join.

To inform you of the dangers OP is to help you take a risk, an informed risk.

If you have issues with emotive account of a story below take it up with The Mirror and not with MNers who have you their opinions when you asked for them. Even the surrogate mother Anon said it wasn't a good idea to do it when you haven't had your own kids first.

If you do decide to do it and you're successful and give your friend a baby I hope the child has a great life, you get to see them grow and you don't have any regrets. I also hope the child feels happy and accepts the circumstances of their birth without issue.

A story from today from a woman who nearly died, leaving her husband and children behind and the twins nearly died too

www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/boss-who-nearly-died-carrying-22148952

“Once the surgeon had got the babies out and he saw the mess inside me, that’s when he realised what had happened and told us how lucky we had all been to have survived. We’re all incredibly lucky to be here. I was worried about the babies surviving, but actually I might not have either.
“It was scary to think I might not have come home to my children or husband. It sounds dramatic but it could have been true.”

OP I cross posted with you, as I was responding to Anon992.
It is intended as sensible advice however. You owe nothing to anyone and your first responsibility is to yourself. Take care.

wanting I think the main issues to consider is that your body is no longer under your control. Not just from a pregnancy point of view but someone else is calling the shots. It is no longer your decision to do or not do something.

The main things are mentioned above, such as termination for disabilities, reduction in number, ie twins or triplets down to twins or single, the possibility of being told what to eat and what not to eat, blame if you should miscarry or deliver a stillborn baby, abandonment of the baby by the parents.

I was put on bedrest from 7 weeks pregnant until I was 20 weeks. If you think lockdown was bad, imagine being confined to your bed for that period of time. This was with my own much wanted 2nd child.

I am sure somewhere on here is a birth injuries thread which anyone contemplating any pregnancy should read up on. I think the main thing is that when researching surrogacy is to consider all possible outcomes.

Off topic but @AltheaVestr1t I love your name!

Thing is op you haven't really engaged with the thread so no one on here really understands or knows why you might be considering this

My view is from a slightly different angle. You're 32...you're still a young woman. But in a few years time, you'll be middle aged. Why would you want to spend a precious year of your youth being pregnant for someone else?

TBF OP you said you had already decided, had done your research and were certain of your decision so on second thoughts I'm not sure why you posted here.

What prompted me to post was that you said you had done your research and yet you mentioned contracts which aren't legally enforceable in the Uk. This is very clear from a 30 sec google search so I was concerned that your research hasn't even got as far as knowing what the law was. You appeared to be wanting to go go ahead with it between the two of you, outside of using an agency and without impartial legal advice (a lawyer she finds for you wouldn't be impartial) and participating international surrogacy arrangement is complex and advised to be avoided.

Would a judge in the country where your friend resides recognise her as a parent on a parental order due to the "huge restrictions"? Is surrogacy outlawed where she is and you would effectively be viewed as a baby-trafficker by the law there? That is not my view as you are doing this altruistically but that is how some countries view surrogacy and that's why it is against the law...so you would need to look into all of that, look up case law in that country and learn whether you would always be the legal parent and how that would work when making medical and legal decisions for the child prior to an adoption order being granted, again by a judge who may or may not be sympathetic.

Would your friend move back to the Uk so you could do it under UK law as an amateur to arrangement?

*altruistic I meant - not amateur!

@enidscrochetcorner I LOVE Robin Hobb!

Haven't read whole thread but before I had dc I'd probably be all ok with surrogacy, now I've had my own I could never ever do it.
Although I had the birth from hell and it put me off ever having another dc despite her being my everything. And also I forgive my dd for absolutely trashing my body during pregnancy

Suggest you read through this thread OP before deciding to go through all this for someone else.

To ask for your experiences after a traumatic first birth http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3932526-To-ask-for-your-experiences-after-a-traumatic-first-birth

I remember that Fanny awful experience for that poster.

I know a woman who has a very bad prolapsed after her second but it was because the issue wasn't fully repaired after her first. Her youngest is now 3 and she still has issues with incontinence despite having had it repaired and she's only late 30s. No more kids though. As the OP in that thread shows I think a lot about birth injuries isn't discussed, as if it's taboo in some way.