To ask for your experiences after a traumatic first birth

[CrayonedWalls]

I’d love your support/virtual hand hold on a question I’ve been asking myself for a little while, relating to a second child after a traumatic first delivery.

Two years ago, I had my first child, a little boy. He is awesome, so much of parenthood has been a total joy with him so far and we are lucky to have him.

I had a straightforward pregnancy with him and was active throughout. However, birth was a totally different story. Due to reduced fetal movement he was induced. I won’t go into too much detail but suffice to say - fetal distress, episiotomy, enormous blood loss, horrific delivery in theatre and some pretty bad birth injuries for me to this day.

Of course, I feel very grateful that we walked out of hospital with both of us alive, but the effect on my body has been lasting.

I’ve been to the GP several times (GP pretty dismissive) for both the physical and mental distress and received some counselling. No one has at any point said it would be risky to have another baby.

I’m now 32. Right now the thought of having another child frightens me. To be clear - I’m not traumatised by the hospital experience I had the first time around, I have made my peace with that. But my body is changed forever down there, and I’m concerned about the additional effect a second baby might have. I’m not sure the healthcare professionals I’ve seen have taken me seriously - they’ve basically brushed off the concerns l have about what would happen if I had to go through labour again.

I smile through my friends’ conversations about breathing the baby out, their neat Caesarian scars, how perfect it all was...then I go home and cry. I’m pleased for them but I feel birth injury is a massive unspoken subject that women are just expected to put up with as part of motherhood.

I’d love to hear from anyone who has been in my position and went on to have other children. How did you come to the decision, and did you approach your midwife appointments differently second time around? Did you have an elective section?

I’d also love to hear from anyone who’s been here and who decided to stop trying for any more children. Right now that’s what I’m leaning towards - while I’d love two children I already have a great one, DH is entirely supportive of whatever I decide, and I’m not sure I can put my body through any more.

Your advice and experiences are really appreciated.

Hi OP, I had a difficult birth with DC1. 30 hours of back to back labour, failed epidural, forceps in theatre, internal tear up to cervix, manual removal of placenta and an hour being stitched up afterwards. 6 weeks PP I was diagnosed with a posterior and anterior prolapse.

I fell pregnant with DC2 accidentally and really felt I couldn;t go through it again, however, DH and I wanted a sibling for DC1 so we continued with the pregnancy. DH knew he wouldn't be able to cope with being present at the birth again so we hired an independent midwife to be my support. She was fantastic,. She was qualified in hypno birthing and over the months, we had many sessions working on removing my negative associations with childbirth.

When I went into labour, DH stayed at home with DC1 and the IM came with me to hospital. My second labour was amazing, 7 hours, laboured in the pool, got out to have my waters broken, DC2 was born after 2 pushes and just G&A.

I had my prolapse surgically corrected in 2013 as we knew our family was complete and that was a complete success. I've had no further problems.

I'm so sorry you went through that, must have been awful.

I had 2nd and 3rd degree tears with first baby. Dr read report at my six week check and summarised it as "so, a grenade went off down there then." I needed women's physio and have to keep up with pelvic floor exercises but other than that am fine.

Fell pregnant a second time unexpectedly and we were never going to not have dd, so I didn't have time to ponder whether safe or wise to have another. She was coming! Was offered appointment with consultant to discuss options as had had bad tearing, and told I could have c section if I wanted. Laid out statistical risk, which was at no more risk of suffering tears than if I had never had a baby, but that there was a low risk of being much worse if did tear again. Also told me possible risks of c section and how recovery would be.

Had to weigh up needs of disabled ds with regards to which would be better to recover from and so chose vaginal birth, which she was happy about and was signed off for midwife led care in new unit.

As it happened, dd decided to arrive very early so never got to even see new unit and a traditional birth it had to be anyway. Other than immediate problem of retained placenta, birth was easy with no complications for me - felt physically as good as ever after 24 hours.

@edwinbear thank you for sharing this. And congrats, especially for how brave you have been. By the end of my labour my DH was also collapsed in a corner of the delivery suite. I think it must have been horrific to watch.

Thank you @Lancrelady80, some good old doctorly bluntness right there . Such a positive story, and also good tip about the consultant chat. I think would really appreciate that sort of discussion next time. Thank you.

Sorry you went through that it sounds awful. I had a horrible delivery with my first, 32 hours, forceps and a 3rd degree tear, nearly an hour of stitches. Took me 10 years to be ready to have another baby but my second delivery was a dream - 4 hrs in a birth pool, only needed gas and air and was home a few hours after the birth feeling great. Hypnobirthing helped massively because I was absolutely terrified when I first got pregnant and it changed my mindset completely, cant recommend it enough. Good luck!

Oh OP, I could have written your post myself. I’m newly pregnant with my second and will be opting for an elective CS. I’ve looked at the risks associated with birthing naturally with scar tissue, reoccurrence of retained placenta etc, and those associated with CS. I’ve decided that the stress and worry I’ll feel throughout the pregnancy if dreading another traumatic birth has tipped the scales in favour of a ECS. My midwives are supportive of this and have reassured me that it may have been suggested had I not requested it anyway.
It might not be the choice that others have made but it’s the right one for me.

I empathise with you OP.
I had a similar birth to you albeit with extra issues during pregnancy. Induction, 2 day labour, fetal distress, episiotomy, failed epidural twice, screwed up muscles in neck and shoulder after, sepsis and iron transfusion (so close to a blood transfusion). It was like playing birth complication bingo.
Although, that was my 2nd birth 7 1/2 months ago. I distinctly remember my partner shaking his head going "no more no more" because of how horrific it was.
My first was fairly straightforward. 9 1/2 hours, contractions steadily increasing, hurt as much as I thought it would (which was a mother fucking bitch, excuse my French). So, going on the general consensus that the 2nd would pop out with a sneeze, I had high hopes for the next one.

I can honestly say, that if I had the 2nd birth experience for my first, I wouldn't have had any more. And I don't plan on having any more! I remembered every single pain after my first but have selective memory on pain with second.
I don't think anyone who has had a traumatic birth or indeed, even given birth would appreciate the fact that it's an ordeal physically and mentally. Even down to the little things like peeing without remembering your vagina was stretched to its limits and beyond. And the fact that the placenta leaves a horrible large wound inside you. Belly apron, stretch marks. We go through a lot!
So, not a first traumatic birth but I can hand on heart say if it was, I wouldn't consider another. Every time someone asks if I want any more my uterus shrivels a bit more and I physically cross my legs! If I found myself in the position again for whatever reason, I would steer clear of induction if I could and quite frankly, I'd be terrified.

Birth experiences affect you for a long time but it does get better and cope/accept it.
I wish you all the best with whichever decision you make but just remember, it's your body and it's up to you what you think you can deal with.

I felt I had a pretty awful time in my first labour, I was induced and had my waters broken at 2cm (that was awfull), a hormone drip to speed up contractions, they put a sensor on the baby's head as they couldn't track his heartbeat, an epidural late on due to high blood pressure followed at the end of all that by an emergency ceaseran.

I also just felt relief at they end when baby arrived and there is the expectation that it's "all worth it" but goodness me I felt violated after all that and it's taken me years to come to terms with.

The only reason I was ok with having my second was I was told after the birth any future births would have to be ceaseran as there was damage to the muscles from the first labour which meant i would not be able to push the baby out, so it took my previous experiance out of the equation. However in saying that the ceasearan wasn't straightforward either, they didn't give me enough medication and I could feel the operation, I had to get knocked out as soon as baby was delivered.

Hi

Following as I’ve just had a traumatic first birth so keen to hear others stories.

My initial feeling was that I didn’t want the birth of Dd to stop a vaginal birth for future pregnancies however talking with dh he feels strongly an elcs would be safest when the time comes.

How would you feel about a caesarean? I haven't had one myself but a friend was in a very similar position to you, was able to have an elective caesarean for her second child and found it a great experience.

It’s a long time ago, but I had a difficult birth first time round, Keillands rotation forceps as the baby was in transverse arrest, extensive tearing, which didn’t heal fora long time and poor stitching.

My second one arrived after a labour of three hours and just 45 minutes after we got to the hospital.

I also had a traumatic first labour.

It's taken me 5 years to feel ready again but I am now pregnant with my second child (almost 6 weeks)

I will be insisting on an elcs this time and I will stand firm, no matter how they might try and persuade me otherwise.

I had a terrible birth experience with my first. 3 days of labour, dismissive and rude midwives, I was stuck at 3 cm for 2 days and they just made me suffer through it. When my waters were finally broken I had an epidural. I think it was too much because I couldn’t feel anything at all, not even pressure and I couldn’t push. The consultant screamed at me and told me if I didn’t try harder my baby would die. They eventually decided to use forceps and I had an awful episiotomy. Lost so much blood I had to have a transfusion. I had loads of stitches in theatre too. Thank God my DC was born safely.

The pain after birth was horrendous, I couldn’t sit for weeks, my bladder was damaged. I was only 20. I developed Postnatal depression.

I was also scared to have another baby after all of that but a few years later we decided to try again. What a different experience! After labouring at home for 2 hours we went into the hospital, I was already 8cm and DS2 was born an hour later. All natural, no pain relief or interventions. I was calm and felt so powerful! It was such an amazing experience we went on to have a third.

If I’d let the fear from my first birth take over I would not have the wonderful family I have today. I never received any counselling after DS1, I just had to dig deep. I was very much alone. I’m sorry you had an awful experience too.

Hi OP, I had an awful first birth - 3rd degree tear, had to be patched up under general anesthetic, hemorrhaged 3.5litres, ended up in HDU with sepsis. I had an ELCS with ds2 and it was such a healing experience- so much calmer, smoother and the recovery was a breeze in comparison. Did you tear badly? If so, I can highly recommend the Severe Birth Tears (UK) group on Facebook- lots of help and support from women who've had similar experiences and many of whom have had subsequent births (from successful vaginal births to c sections - it's a very pro-maternal choice, there's no agenda and it was with support from there that I felt able to TTC dc2).

@Shinygreenelephant your post nearly made me cry, thank you for the support!

@SingingWaffleDoggy the very best of luck with your pregnancy and hopes for an easy birth - I agree an elective CS might be the way forward even if I had to fight for it.

@RedXIII that birth experience sounds so much like mine. Thank you for the advice. You’re absolutely right that this takes a long time to come to terms with and I have to do what’s right for my own body.

@snowball98 ‘there is the expectation that it's "all worth it’ couldn’t have put it better myself. Having a child is a miraculous thing but actually the physical cost is extreme; and this type of rhetoric seriously put me off talking about it for so long. Thank you for sharing

@WingingIt101 and @sunlightflower I agree, I think I would stand firm on an ELCS. I’m surprised and a bit disappointed that it was never even raised - even though I had a massive baby with a big head. Even when he had reduced movement they put him through a ‘natural’ birth. I just don’t get it.

@Szalinski thank you - my very, very best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy and birth - and for knowing what you want! X

@KatnissK, @LolaGracie I identify so much from what you’ve said. So much of this happened to me too. Thank you for sharing. It’s taken me two years to post this on Mumsnet and I’m so glad I have.

Thanks OP

I'm sorry you had such a traumatic birth too. Maybe you're just not ready for another yet, which is perfectly understandable

33 years ago had an awful first birth, 24+hour labour, cervix not contracting, baby got stuck, apparently too late foe C-section, so they had to cut me and they also cut my cervix, internal and external stitches, cord around baby's neck, really, really awful. I collapsed the next day due to PPH, was severely anaemic, developed an abscess in my mouth and mastitis. Was sent home after 10 days, still bleeding and then when baby was 6 months old and I was still bleeding beyond regular periods, collapsed and was rushed to A & E with suspected ectopic pregnancy even though I knew I wasn't pregnant. Turns out I had retained placenta.
Was told to have another child quickly before hysterectomy was needed. 2nd birth long but much better, but on day 2 of being at home, bled profusely, rushed back to hospital with another PPH,
Swore we would have no more children, but 7 years later had 3rd baby and 6 months later was sterilised.
My body is wrecked, I have urge incontinence, sometimes faecal incontinence and no muscle control, but still overall worth it, but my husband has been key as he has always supported me 100% and loves me still.

Feel for you all with difficult births. I had a ventouse delivery desperate. Awful pain from stitches for ages. 2nd birth was fast she was born after 1.5 hours was a rapid labour! He still lazy now lol he 18. Always felt the birth put me off so had just 2.

First....horrendous. Back to back, 30 hours agony, tearing ventouse etc, humiliating treatment....followed by PND (unsurprisingly )

Second.... Bigger baby, waters broke..3 hours tummy ache, 20 mins agony, 3 pushes and out.
I do think the first tends to....erm..'blaze a trail'

Hi

My first child meant I spent more than 8 months after the birth mostly in ICU. I had multi organ failure. She was tiny. Premature. Weighed just under 2lbs. I been to the dr repeatedly with pains. Kept being robbed off. Turned out my organs were dying and it wasn't found till I was nearly dead. As was she.

I went into have another child. Sadly this one also meant she was tiny and early. But I had the most amazing high risk dr. To this day he's my god! My hero. I developed severe pre eclampsia with my second HOWEVER and it's a huge however. Because I'd been so unwell with my first. Because I'd had a tiny. Premature baby. Even though I was going through it all again. It was much easier. Had that of been a first birth for most women. I think they would of struggled. But because my first one was so horrific. It meant this one was a breeze. So whilst it's not straight forward. I'd been there. Done that. Knew the neo natal staff. Meet some amazing other mums.

I also had this dr. This amazing dr. Who watches out for me every step of the way. I would do it ALL OVER AGAIN IN. A SHOT!!! I went and saw him about having another child. He thought I could do it. But he was worried this time I'd die and I'd leave my children without a mother. So we decided to leave it. I'm currently trying to get my dh to agree to a 3rd using a surrogate. Not going wel though. Ha. But I'm blessed. Truly blessed. I feel so incredibly lucky that I'm alive

The other thing. My second pregnancy left me with a life limiting illness sadly.

Remember however. My story is rare. There's only 250 cases of it ever happening. I'm in medical journals. So don't take my word as gospel.

Remember. Even I would do it again!

Also. I saw this lady after my children's birth. I forget the name. But you're able to get her to read the notes that were made in your medical files and discuss how wrong it went. The medical terms

That was unbelievably helpful for me. Birth whispers or something.

Hi I understand the terror. I'm currently feeding my 12 week old second.
I saw the specialist midwife after dc1 following traumatic delivery,significant tearing and a fairly big surgery. At that time she said you can just opt for a section next time. They can also do a rectal ultrasound to assess damage.

I was pretty set on a section. Community midwife is a bit of a pain relief free women have been having babies in caves for years you don't need a section but understood my pov.

I saw the consultant who said 80 per cent id be the same as I was previously. Symptoms might be a little worse due to pregnancy but mainly the risk is labour. That said that means 20 per cent chance i would be worse off and more symptomatic.

I signed the consent form for c section.

Due to inefficiencies between 2 hospitals I only had the scan just before the section but I have scarring in 2 muscles which would recommend a section if you had either never mind both. I felt justified in having a section.

When you speak to people they often tell you recovery from a section is dreadful. Granted there wasn't any heavy lifting for a few weeks. I was so relaxed having a section. Very controlled and lovely. The recovery was a dream compared to a traumatic delivery. I could walk comfortably and sit
After my first birth I was taking the pram around the block and it took forever and I was in pain and exhausted.
I caught my would infection early and even with that it was no problem. Sorted fast with antibiotics. I'm probably done with 2 but if there's a third it's a nice planned section.

Have a read up on the effect of the menopause on muscle tone. My fear was I will be more symptomatic in later years and I didn't want to do more damage.

Feel free to message if you want to chat.