Starting off.....again

[KimK123]

Hello lovely ladies

I’m here hoping for a bit of friendly support while I go through a hopeful surrogacy journey. It hasn’t actually started yet but I’m building up to asking my sister to consider carrying a baby for me, as in to be a gestational surrogate(no bio link to baby)

I’m really nervous at the idea of such a massive step.

I had a big long speel about ‘my infertility journey’ but I don’t want this to be about that...ie my big sorry struggle.

I think I’ve thought about most considerations and I’ve honestly agonised about asking but she has mentioned, in the past, it’s something she would do for me.

So in the next few days I’m going to try find a moment alone with her and ask her to potentially give me this massive life changing gift. I love her allot and I honestly think our relationship will remain the same even if it’s a No. That’s not to say that I wouldn’t privately be sad for a while. I wouldn’t want her to feel it’s not ok to say no. She knows her own mind so I can only hope she will feel like she can be honest with me because without absolutely honesty here I don’t think it would work.

Does anyone have any advise for me? Or add anything helpful

I would suggest listening to this excellent podcast to understand some of the issues.

Listen to Pain For The Childless Mother: Briana's Story of Surrogacy Part 2 of 3 from Free Birth Society on Apple Podcasts. podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/free-birth-society/id1231912533?i=1000466293377

Hi OP

I’m sorry to hear about your infertility struggles

Firstly I would like to warn you to expect some negative reactions to your post - there are strong ethical views about surrogacy and some people will not be supportive of you and your journey. This makes it all the more important to be as fully prepared and knowledgeable as you can be, and that you make sure you and your sister are appropriately and independently supported if you do chose to proceed.

It’s very clear to me from your post that you would want your sister to make an informed choice - I wonder if you might want to consider writing her a letter? This would allow you to set out your thoughts and allow her time to digest and consider before responding. Obviously you know her best - but this might be a good way to make sure she doesn’t feel she has to answer right away, or to stick with her initial answer?

My advice - having myself been a surrogate for close friends - is that communication is absolutely key. Talk, talk and talk some more. There are so many what ifs, so many things to work through. We spent 4 hours on the what ifs when we first talked through with our intended parents - and that was the first of many conversation. We found the 2018 government guidance a good starting point (link below).

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/843891/Care_in_surrogacy_-_guidance_for_the_care_of_surrogates.pdf

hi all we are a middle aged couple trying to find out about surrogacy options in Scotland and would appreciate any help and advice available.

This is an old thread Scottish which was specific to the OP asking her sister

Rather than restart an old thread I'd advise you start your own.

As for advice you can google surrogacy Scotland and get lots of links, the first in my search was the government advice page which seems a good place to start.

My advice would be go the formal route and don't try to cut corners like this couple on New Zealand did. Strictly speaking this isn't surrogacy at all, this is a mother who decided not to have her baby adopted and the father (and his wife) who asked her to have a baby with him, gets shared custody.

www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/surrogacy-horror-kiwi-parents-are-having-to-share-custody-with-surrogate/QC6U4F6MYIL3KUZR7RMUGQXGIE/

As you say you are middle aged, do you have any reason why you wouldn't consider adoption, are you both considering using your own gametes or an egg or sperm donor? One of you will need to be related to the child by blood so to get a parental order, there's a lot to consider, you will need to do a lot of research and careful thinking as to if surrogacy is the way to go.