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Social Surrogacy - Views

44 replies

minimalism1407 · 29/01/2019 12:41

Hi folks,
New to Mumsnet. Have been looking around trying find a post for people who choose social surrogacy. Which is basically when a woman uses a surrogate because she doesn’t want to become pregnant herself due to a phobia, career, ruining her body or any side effects that come with it. For me it was all of those.
I ended up using the same surrogate for all four of my children a boy (8), girl (6) and boy/girl twins (2 months). Our amazing surrogate really enjoys being pregnant and has carried babies for lots of families. For her, she says ‘it’s almost an addiction’. She also gets a tidy sum of money each time. So in no ways are we exploiting her and it was a long thought out process.
I’ve only met a handful of women who have chosen this option and it seems to be becoming more popular these days. And I can only imagine in the future there will be artificial wombs or something.
Would any of you want use a surrogate because you didn’t want to become pregnant for whatever reason?

OP posts:
Florries · 30/01/2019 11:42

You might have more luck posting on the feminism board?

anotherwearytraveller · 30/01/2019 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 30/01/2019 11:47

Gosh that poor woman. Imagine thinking you're so important that you can outsource varicose veins and low bone density.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 30/01/2019 11:51

For her, she says ‘it’s almost an addiction’
So, potentially MH issues. So, yes, you are exploiting her. Probably worse than if she was doing it because she needed the money.

LyraLieIn · 30/01/2019 11:53

Paid for surrogacy is illegal in the UK isn't it? So, a 'tidy sum' should merely cover her expenses.

And the idea that because money changes hands it can't be exploitation is laughable - especially in the context of "addiction" (surely we can all think of ways drug addicts could be exploited for money to feed a habit).

Raspberry88 · 30/01/2019 12:21

So, yes, you are exploiting her. Probably worse than if she was doing it because she needed the money.
Yep, this.

Dowdydoes · 30/01/2019 12:23

This isn’t real is it? That trite dismissal of exploitation matches with an allusion to her mental health issues? I bet she isn’t as rich, as thin or as educated and important as you are. But there is no exploitation in your outsourcing.

minimalism1407 · 30/01/2019 21:21

Noticed a lot of people aren’t to happy about the idea of in general. Just to clear some things up.

No I’m not a journalist. Our surrogate already has a very steady income and is a very mentally stable person, she just enjoys being a surrogate to people. In no way does she need the money. I showed her some of the posts and she just laughed and can assure you all she’s fine. And if she didn’t want to do it, she wouldn’t.

So if anybody does want to give their views on social surrogacy it would be very much appreciated.

OP posts:
Raspberry88 · 30/01/2019 21:24

People have given their views OP, sorry they're not what you hoped.

MynameisJune · 30/01/2019 21:45

You paid someone else to use their womb because you didn’t want to ruin your career or your body? But it was okay for someone else to ruin their body for children you couldn’t be bothered to carry yourself?

I have issues with surrogacy but social surrogacy is abhorrent and shouldn’t be allowed. Women aren’t just vessels to carry children for those that are too ‘good’ to go through pregnancy. Not to mention the sheer audacity of giving no shits about the risks to the surrogate.

SuziQ10 · 30/01/2019 21:53

Only for medical reasons.

The reasons given in your post seem utterly bizarre.

oldowlgirl · 30/01/2019 21:54

Completely agree with @MynameisJune

Proseccopanda · 31/01/2019 14:46

As a surrogate myself, I think there are very few out there that would do it for the reasons you state. They would much rather do it for someone who genuinely needs it than someone who is more worried about their own vanity. Pregnancy and childbirth aren't a walk in the park and come with lots of risks.

Also, I'm guessing you're not in the UK if your surro is getting a "tidy sum", as it's illegal here to pay anything more than expenses.

minimalism1407 · 31/01/2019 17:41

People are allowed to opinions. That’s why I asked to hear people’s views. Hope that clears it up for you.

OP posts:
minimalism1407 · 31/01/2019 17:42

Thank you everyone for your comments, all your views have been extremely useful!
All the best

OP posts:
Elvia33P · 01/02/2019 16:11

Agree. Makes you think. There are a lot of people who struggle with infertility, some have to go for surrogacy, this may be their only choice. I imagine surrogacy to be a good thing for when you have all of the reasons to ask another woman to help you carry your child, as doing it just because you do not feel like getting pregnant as it might ruin your career (but we live in 2019, right?) is really bizarre to hear.

NineInchSnail · 01/02/2019 16:17

Maybe your surrogate is as financially independent and mentally stable as you claim. Maybe she truly does consent to hiring out her body like this. But her babies cannot consent to being taken away from their mother at, or shortly after, birth.
You are treating this woman and her children as commodities and I see no reason to view this any differently to any other form of human trafficking.

But at least you didn't have to experience morning sickness or 'ruin' your figure.

Proseccopanda · 01/02/2019 17:05

@NineInchSnail you're assuming that the surrogate has used her own eggs, and I'm not sure you fully grasp the concept of surrogacy either Hmm

CarolinePooter · 01/02/2019 17:30

Wow OP, your lovely surrogate has carried four children for you and also carried babies for "lots" of other families. She must have been pregnant for decades.

I suspect this is a wind-up.

NineInchSnail · 01/02/2019 17:41

Don't patronise me. You seem to think my disagreement implies a lack of understanding. It doesn't. It makes no difference whose eggs were used.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 01/02/2019 17:43

I've never had an issue with surrogacy.

I don't see the issue. It's something between the two parties involved and isn't really anyone else's business.

Raspberry88 · 01/02/2019 17:48

It's something between the two parties involved

Three parties've forgotten the baby.

Proseccopanda · 01/02/2019 18:09

@NineInchSnail yes, yes it is a lack of understanding, and ignorance. If you truly understood then you would know that the baby is not the surrogates.

Zoflora1980 · 01/02/2019 18:29

As a Surrogate myself -I wouldn’t be helping anyone that merely “did not want to carry”. Or had a phobia.
There are couples who can not have children due to issues such as Cancer/no womb. These are the people I choose to help.
As for a “tidy sum of money” I find this highly offensive. Are you paying your surrogate? I would love to know how the courts felt about that during your PO

NineInchSnail · 01/02/2019 18:34

My point is that the babies do not understand that. Regardless of whose dna they contain. They are unable to consent to being removed from the mother that has carried them for nine months, whose voice and heartbeat have been their only constant.
Everybody focuses on the agency and consent and wants and needs of the adults in these situations. I'm not. I'm focusing on the commodified babies.

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