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Surrogacy

Join to connect with others in similar situations and discuss legal processes, costs, well-being, and types of surrogacy.

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Original poster

Brother asked me to surrogate

23 replies

geologyrocks · 16/12/2018 23:42

Hi all,

As the title says, my brother and his partner has approached me to surrogate.

My initial reaction was : no way...not a hope!

But then I went home to and had a think about it and am very open to the idea.

My initial no reaction was: I'm a mum if 4, all my pregnancies have been hard. I know pregnancy is hard anyway but I find it very difficult. The morning sickness.. The exhaustion...The insomnia...spd...The physical demand on the body.

The yes: giving a gift that money can't buy to a couple that cannot conceive. I'm open to using my own egg..which would obviously mean it's not my brothers "donation" - it would be his partners. We would obviously be going through SIMS fertility clinic. If they don't want to use myegg that's ok too...that's their choice.

We are in Ireland.. and this is very early in the discussions stages..I don't know how the legalities work, I guess we really have to look I told.

I guess I'm just rambling here. I spoke to my husband tonight..The says it's 100% my decision which I think its not it's a strain on the whole family. My children, my husband etc. He gave a good point, albeit extreme earlier..I feel I'd be able to hand the baby over, knowing it's going to a very living familyy, but my husband said imagine your brother decided to raise the baby as gender neutral (something I personally don't agree with - I'm not here to start a debate) how would I feel. I was all yes yes yes but then I said something out of the blue ..Like oh I would want to breastfeed the baby...I guess that's not my decision is it, sure how would that work..So maybe my yes answer isn't so practical in terms of work (healthcare based)...family..life.

I know this post is very rambled..I was all yes. We are all meeting in Wednesday to talk about it properly. I have said that I'm not getting any younger. I'm 33 now so the ball would have to start soon ebough.

Do family surrogates work? I guess that's what I'm trying to say.

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 17/12/2018 00:01

I was very sick during pregnancies and if l had 4 children l wouldn't do it as it would be nearly impissible for me to manage.
Also seeing the baby all the time would be difficult. Say they weren't great parents or got divorced..it would be tricky.
And what about your own dc. Would they be very confused, seeing you pregnant and maybe wanting to keep the baby?
There is a lot to think about.

PeachMelba78 · 18/12/2018 05:06

I am a surrogate and I couldn’t contemplate using my own eggs or doing it for someone I know.
I only have had 1 pregnancy before and this pregnancy has been hard (both hard in different ways).
I also used an agency as they are great with matching you with a couple and helping with the legalities.
Best of luck to you, I wouldn’t have carried for anyone with majorly differing values than me, and crucially for me I wouldn’t have carried if my children and wife had not given their full support.

Proseccopanda · 20/12/2018 18:44

I'm currently on my 2nd surrogate journey for my Brother and his Wife. I had my first Niece back in 2015 and am 24wks with another Niece. Both were donor eggs as due to cancer my Sister-in-law had to have a hysterectomy, so it was the only option. Obviously for us the option of using my eggs was a no go, but I don't think I would want to even if there wasn't the family aspect to it. I don't feel that I could do it for anyone other than family though anyway. I also found it important to be certain that I was done completing my own family first (I have 3 DC of my own and zero desire for any more).

I have pretty easy(ish) pregnancies, but I'm actually unsure as to how I'd feel if that weren't the case. Even with easier pregnancies though, there are still potential physical and mental health risks, and it still impacts on family, and also work, and that impact can continue even after birth.

My DC have absolutely no issues regarding the situation, and completely dote on their cousin. We were open and honest with them about it from the first scan last time (DC were 5, 7 and 10 at that time), and we told them when I started treatment this time. I have a normal Aunty relationship with my Niece, it's not difficult seeing her all the time, and I don't feel motherly towards her at all. I have zero say in her upbringing, because quite frankly, I have no right to be. It's none of my business because she's not my child!She's in a safe and loving environment, and that's what matters.

I think to be a successful surrogate, you need to have absolutely no doubts whatsoever that it's what you want to do, and that you could actually do it. You also need to be able to accept that you cannot dictate how the child is fed or raised, even if it's not necessarily in a way that you agree with. All you can do is be as certain as you can that the child would be in a safe, loving and stable environment, the rest is up to the parents.

From your post OP, I'm not sure you're at that point, but that's not to say that with a bit of research and further understanding that it wouldn't be something you'd be better suited to doing later on in the future.

WWlOOlWW · 20/12/2018 19:13

I wouldn't do it with my own eggs but I'd be perfectly willing to do it with a donated egg.

elvis86 · 20/01/2019 11:24

I actually think it's really unfair to ask someone to be your surrogate.

We're intended parents but wouldn't dream of approaching someone to ask them to be our surrogate. We'll be looking for someone who has decided independently that they would like to do it.

Elvia33P · 01/03/2019 13:57

It is a very serious thing. I feel like surrogate mother should be prepared for something like this. It is not a one day deal, it is something that is going to be with you till the rest of your life. Yes helping your brother is a great thing. But I'd rather take more time to think. Brothers/sisters/family members all cool, but it can be as difficult and even more difficult when it comes to your close ones.

HollowTalk · 01/03/2019 14:01

What would you do if your brother and his girlfriend separated and she went off somewhere with the baby?

Jackshouse · 01/03/2019 14:05

How old are you? How were your previous labours? I’m pregnant with my and DH planned child. I’m 35 yrs old so I’m high risk. I’m also high risk due to a previous c section so I have had to look at the various risks of vagina birth or c section. Even if you have had 4 previous ‘easy’ birth there are still risks than you are taking on behalf of your children.

I can’t imagine ever been able to hand over a baby, especially one I would see raised. Your DB will do things as a parent that you don’t agree with. Who will pay for pregnancy related cost eg maternity clothes, pension contributions for when you are off post birth and if you have a difficult pregnancy and need a cleaner/childminder.

Sunshinewithshowers123 · 01/03/2019 14:11

I think to use your own egg would make things a lot harder now and in the future for everyone including the child.

grinningcheshirecat · 01/03/2019 14:20

Would it be easier for you to maybe use your brothers sperm and a donor egg? That way it isn't your child, but your brothers child. Would that make a difference for you?

It sounds like you are not ready yet to decide, you have to many questions you need to answer for yourself first.

KittyB52 · 02/03/2019 08:36

It’s not fair to ask someone to be your surrogate, even if they are a family member (especially if they are a family member). And I say this as someone who has a child through surrogacy.

Family surrogates can and do work, but as with any Surrogacy journey, you all need to be on the same page. Do some research, join a Facebook group or two and talk to other surrogates.

If you decide to go ahead, make sure you all have at least a session or two of counselling - BICA have fertility counsellors across the UK. If you go through a clinic, they will provide counselling sessions for you before any treatment.

Don’t rush into anything. 33 is still young.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

FusionChefGeoff · 02/03/2019 09:07

I've recently found out my brother and his wife have been ttc for years and have recently had their first IVF cycle fail

I think it's a really difficult situation but they must feel very strongly to ask and I think it would be an amazing thing to do.

I was considering offering to be their surrogate but I'm 40 this year - does that rule me out do you think??

Also, it feels really inappropriate somehow to offer rather than be asked - a bit Billy Big Bollocks coming in to save the day with my functioning uterus. They find it hard enough to be around us with our kids and I worry that this would be the final slap in the face.

Proseccopanda · 02/03/2019 11:48

@FusionChefGeoff I offered. They may feel funny about asking, or may not have even thought about it. By offering you could be opening up a whole other option for them that they may not have otherwise. The ball is then in their court, and they can either decide to take you up on your offer, or not.

I'm almost 39 and currently 35wks in to my second surrogacy journey for my brother and his wife. I know of surrogates who are 40+ so it shouldn't be an issue.

grasspigeons · 02/03/2019 11:56

its such an individual decision - you need to be really sure. The impact of my last pregnancy on my long term health and therefore my family was such I wouldn't even consider carrying another baby for myself as much as I wanted one - so I wouldn't be carrying one for someone else.

anniehm · 02/03/2019 12:05

I would have done it for my brother (whose gay) but not sure about it being my egg, complicates things. I'm too old now (probably) so it's not likely and he's currently single. It is a big decision so I would suggest a cooling off period of at least a month after discussions, and then even though it's family, a proper legal agreement using a solicitor who has experience in family surrogacy covering costs, post birth complications, loss of earnings, breastfeeding (especially first few days) and guardianship if something were to happen to the couple, oh and visitation if something were to happen to your brother. If everything goes to plan, most would be irrelevant but best to be safe!

FurrySlipperBoots · 02/03/2019 12:11

If it's your egg, it's your baby. Do you not feel like it would be incredibly hard to hand your child over to others to raise? Your children's half-sibling being taken to live elsewhere?

Fishwifecalling · 02/03/2019 12:20

The splitting up question is crucial.

You couldn't have an opinion on breast feeding or indeed any thing else. Unless you are prepared to express and it's what the parents want.

I too think that not your egg, is the only way to even contemplate it. This is not your child you are talking about, in any way, shape or form.

Magie000 · 11/05/2019 18:35

I was told I can't have anymore children but me an my husband really wanted one an my daughter has said she will carry one for us but it will be her egg I was told after the baby is 6weeks old we can go to court an get the baby in my name as the baby's father is my husband

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 22/09/2019 15:25

DD isn't your DH's child, is she?

Aaarrgghhh · 24/09/2019 14:50

Magie000 What? Why would you ask your daughter to carry a baby for you? I really hope she isn’t related to your husband..

OhHolyJesus · 07/10/2019 23:04

OP please research this fully and assess all the risks. You have children, your brother has put you under unbelievable pressure simply by asking and even living transplant patients have an anonymous opt out.

The egg donor is also at risk. It's a really huge area and many websites I've seen do not offer fully comprehensive details so be careful.

OhHolyJesus · 07/10/2019 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SidSparrow · 12/12/2019 00:39

This is an old thread, however, I couldn't help but notice that no one has brought up the affect that this would have on the child later on in life. What a complete head f**k for them. This is all about what the adults want, without a second thought to the needs of the child. I think humans needs to stop messing with biology so much. Babies/Children/People aren't handbags. It's sad that some people can't have children, it's also sad that there are children already in need of a loving home. Get over it and adopt instead of creating more heartache.

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