What’s wrong with me? Pet death

[RatMam23]

For context:
I’ve owned small furry pets my whole life along with dogs, cats etc. I am autistic but low support needs and love my pets deeply. I’m even a vet..

I had 6 guinea pigs and 4 rats. Two of my rats were approaching 2. One has had chronic mycoplasma respiratory infections on/off for a year and losing weight whilst maintaining quality of life. He has had a few courses of treatments but usually perks up well. He was getting slimmer and I knew his time would come sooner rather than later as I like to let them go early. My other old boy became unsteady very suddenly with signs of what I think was a pituitary tumour.

I put them both to sleep on Friday and I feel absolutely nothing at all. I lost a piggie to Lymphoma late last year and cried despite pre-emptively grieving her for 6 weeks beforehand. I had another guinea pig PTS at 7 years in 2020 and I don’t think I’ve recovered and still cry over him at least every month or so.

My first rat to be PTS was just over a year ago and it took at least a month to feel right again and my house felt empty. He was unwell and in a hospital cage alone due to cage mates bullying him so I suppose the empty cage could’ve been the catalyst for that. Whereas this time I still have the 2 babies left so the difference is not as stark.

My partner was sobbing before I did it, during and after. He wants a memorial piece made and is just broken. I didn’t even shed one tear. I feel nothing at all. These are rats I rescued at 3 weeks old and spent every day with.

I know grief is different for everyone and euthanasia is a kind choice but why on earth do I feel nothing? I’m also revising for the most important exams of my career in 5 weeks and I just feel so cut up about the fact I don’t feel anything.

I guess I’m just looking for support as not many people understand how amazing ratties are and I just feel awful and ridiculous in equal measures

I'm sorry for your loss . It sounds as though you've a lot going on at the moment - you may feel grief later on, once the stress of your exams is over. There's only so much the brain can cope with at once, and it sounds as though yours is sensibly protecting you from overload at the moment.

I've never owned rats, but I've fostered them for an animal charity. I completely "get" what rats are about, they're like mini dogs, super intelligent, but sadly live short lives of around 2. I remember an adopter telling me one of the rats I'd fostered had died, this was 6 months after he left my care, and I cried so much. It's maybe for this reason, I've never owned them. I don't think I could handle it. I'm a Gerbil person instead, I still cry, but they live longer, and arent as clever.

So I can offer no explanation why you're not upset, it could be a delayed reaction, or that you have so much on right now. Don't feel bad, that you don't feel bad, how you feel is how you feel, but has no bearing on how much you loved and cared for them during their special rat lives. I'm truly sorry for your loss 💐

Very sorry OP. To ech others, this is a pretty common psychological effect, I think - your mind prevents you from consciously processing intense emotions because it's just too much. This doesn't say anything bad about you, and your mind will be turning things over behind the scenes. You sound like a wonderful pet owner. Most people, autistic or not, will experience numbness and many will then feel guilty about it, even though they're simply being human! All the best with your exams - I've no doubt that the stress you're under (and don't underestimate how stressful seeing your partner grieve is, too) is making this numbness kick in.