Please or to access all these features

Addiction support

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Will he change?

18 replies

Cantstopeatingjaffacakes · 12/08/2026 12:42

Just as the title says - will he ever change or am I being silly?

I've been with my boyfriend for two years - we originally met 10 years ago when he left rehab and was doing a placement where I work but lost contact until he added me on Facebook and we got chatting. He originally lived 1.5 hours awy from me so we arranged for me to go and see him. I was really surprised that he lit a joint in front of me and had a beer as I'd assumed that he was still clean. It didn't bother me too much though as it was in moderation.

Fast forward 2 years and he's drinking at least 6 cans a day and smoking weed a lot (£50 worth a week). He can't afford this but prioritizes it over food to the point where he's visiting the foodbank. It controls his life, if he's coming to mine he's frustrated that he has to wait until my DC have left town (they aren't in the house at the same time) so it's safe for him to smoke. Or if I'm at his he asks me to get him beer and then he gets anxious if I'm running late.

Yesterday he didn't have anything as he's got no money and spent the day in bed saying he had withdrawals.

Am I mad to stay with him? If he got clean again everything would be great but as it is I feel myself pulling away but am scared to say anything because he'll end it. He knows I think he should stop.

Sorry this is so long - I just needed to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
Nousernameideaaga · 12/08/2026 12:44

No he won’t change

Sorry OP 😢

andweallsingalong · 12/08/2026 12:47

Nope, and why are you allowing him to stink out your home with beer and cannabis?

SerendipityCat · 12/08/2026 12:51

No, he won’t change.
Yes, you’re mad to stay with him.
He’s a loser and a complete dud as a partner. Surely you can see that you could do so, so much better?

HowardTJMoon · 12/08/2026 12:51

It doesn't matter that you think he should stop. What matters is that he doesn't think he should stop. So he won't.

something2say · 12/08/2026 12:53

This is how life with him will be. If you don't like it, end the relationship.

Men need to fit us as we are, not be projects for us to work on.

WellThatIsABitMad · 12/08/2026 12:55

No he won’t change. And he will just get progressively worse. You deserve better and you deserve peace .

NearlyNewNonny · 12/08/2026 12:58

LTB. I don't think I've ever said that before on here.

TrunkElliot · 12/08/2026 13:00

Why would you actually even think about staying in this relationship?

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 12/08/2026 13:19

Why is "Will he change?" the question you're asking yourself?

You should be asking yourself "Why am I putting up with this?"

You can either sit there and wait for him to change in the vague hope you'll be happy one day. Or you can dump him now, and take control of your own happiness.

Callanish · 12/08/2026 13:24

He might. He won't if he has no reason or desire to, and he doesn't now, and may not have for many years. And once he quits, he has to have a constant desire to stay clean and that's hard.

If the way he is doesn't suit you, or your future life plans, time to end it.

(I'm married to an addict who has been clean for 30 years , so I know all about this shit).

MageKing · 12/08/2026 13:30

Leave him now. he won't change. And you were crazy to get involved in the first place.

OriginalSkang · 12/08/2026 13:33

He will never change. Its sad to see someone do this to themselves when they could be something different, but you can't drag your own life down with it because of that

Citronella321 · 12/08/2026 13:40

Do you want to spend the rest of your life in doubt and worry? If he changes and gets clean now, you'll always have to deal with the thought that he'll relapse later.

The thing that leaps out of your OP is that you're scared that he will end it. Why are you scared of this horrible situation ending?

LividSummery · 12/08/2026 13:50

Of course he won't change.

But more importantly, what's wrong with your own self esteem that you've stayed in a relationship with this loser?

TheEarlofButties · 12/08/2026 13:59

No he won’t. Work on your self esteem

Cantstopeatingjaffacakes · 12/08/2026 18:26

Thank you everyone. I should have said but I’ve been in recovery for over 20 years myself so should know better than to think moderation is possible.

To the posters who commented on my self esteem, you are right and I do need to do something about this - I’m just not sure what as I’ve been in therapy on and off for 20 years but maybe I need to go back.

OP posts:
LolaGold · 12/08/2026 18:44

You must know that you are not actually in a relationship with him - he is preoccupied morning, noon and night cyclically with securing and consuming beer / weed - you are just an enabler.

I can’t get past his abuse of food banks - that one action would be it for me.

I also would be asking questions about what ifs and whys for him but be brave to focus back on yourself to understand what Co-dependency need of your own needs prompt attention and fixing. Well done on your own long term sobriety and raising your DCs to adulthood. I would expect that they are absolutely gutted that their DM was in such a bleak ‘relationship’

Merc123 · 13/08/2026 09:27

Sorry but totally mad. I had dealt w my partner for 16 yrs.im now 56 and just dealt the hard blow that while i thought he was sober and contemplating being gay...he was having a little.fling with a 27 yr old girl. Not man bashing but they seem to never change. Sorry you're dealing w this idiot

New posts on this thread. Refresh page