Should I leave my children’s father because of his cocaine addiction?

[Heartbroken91]

My Children’s father has been struggling with cocaine addiction for some time (iv known about 4 years). He says be wants to be sober but to me he’s not making enough changes in his life for this to be true. He tried NA but after two weeks said it wasn’t for him. He’s a very private person who doesn’t like talking about his feelings. We have three children together (ages 12,8 and 1). He owns the flat we live in and iv said multiple times that if he can’t sort himself out then I will have choice but to take the kids and leave and go back to my parents (who live 40 minutes away). This past week he seemed really determined to get clean, we had a week where I could see he was really trying. Then last night he must have used, he tried denying it but by now I know the signs and he’s gone back to bed this morning. He’s also lost his job recently because of his addiction and I was hoping that would wake him up but it appears it’s not. Do I give him a final chance to sort himself out or do I just call it a day now. I’m just aware that leaving means making my children leave their home and change schools. I also do want to support him but I just feel like he’s not doing enough to really change. He doesn’t seem to be able to stay off it more than a week. He’s also threatening that he will want 50/50 when he’s clean and if I don’t agree he will try full custody in court but at this point I feel like he’s never going to be clean! I just think he thinks as the flat is his that he has a little bit of power there and could argue the children don’t have to leave their home and schools.

Yes, you should put your children first and leave him. It's worrying that you need to ask the question.

Yes.

Yes. Strange that you question it

Kindly, how many final chances will you give him? Just go to your parents and stop exposing your children to this. This is no environment for them to grow up in, and if he truly wanted to stop he would have by now.
I say that as someone who wasted years hoping an addict would change and they never did.
You have to put your children first.

I am so sorry @Heartbroken91but there is no question about it , you need to leave , take the children with you . You will need evidence, to fight him for custody, that he is a user though so l hope you have the receipts . Good luck 🍀

Ex cocaine addict here.

Leave today. You need to prioritise your kids and stop prioritising your boy friend. He won’t get clean, he’s already shown you this REPEATEDLY. He’s trashing your boundaries and you keep showing it which in turn enables him to carry on using. He has zero reason to stop.

He won’t get 50/50. He’s lost hours job, about to lose his kids and soon he will lose his home. You need to move your kids away now so they can settle in a new school before GCSEs and sats etc. Cut him off and go no contact for a while and he will either sink or swim. But please, stop stop STOP propping him up at yours and your children’s expense.

He doesn’t like talking about his feelings but it is precisely that that’s preventing him from getting clean. He’s using to self medicate and avoid dealing with whatever traumas and problems he is not addressing. He’ll never be successful without that component. I’d be giving him an ultimatum - intensive NA/CA and therapy or you’re out of there, and you have to follow through not just make empty threats. If he didn’t like NA he could try SMART recovery, there’s no ‘higher power’ element if that’s what turned him off.

IME he won’t get clean, he also won’t get 50/50. There will always be one last chance and he won’t take it. My daughters’ father drinks and gambles; always has always will. Looks like a down and out now and lives in a HMO on benefits. He had so many opportunities to give up and so much support but his addictions always came first and always will.
Tragic but not my problem anymore. He had me by his side for years but nothing ever helped because he didn’t want it to. After me, a long line of women also tried!

Take your beautiful kids and give them the best life, the one they deserve, because he won’t.

You know what you need to do for your children, yourself and for him. I say this as an addict in recovery - you can't fix him. You can't get clean for him and you can't rob him of his journey. This is on him. Step away.

Your children will know more than you think (mine did) and you need to be strong for them. A house move/school move is a change and can be hard but they will adjust and more importantly be safe.

FWIW the best thing my family ever did for me was cut me off. When I truly lost everything was when I really put the effort in to sort myself out.

@CantMakerHerThink congratulations on being an ex cocaine addict. Its not an easy thing to do.

@Heartbroken91 yes leave. As soon as you can. Does he bring drugs into the house? You have young children! If hes using around them they aren't safe. You've given enough chances. You really have tried. That was enough.

Yes just leave. It will only get worse.

I’m shocked that you even have to ask, do you realise how much damage you are doing to your children letting them live with a cokehead?.

Not to mention if they ever ingested any of it !!! Could be life threatening to a young child. I can’t believe you’ve stayed so long with three children knowing this!

He’s a cocaine addict and is jobless. Yes, put your children first and move out. If loosing his job wasn’t a big enough shock to get clean, then I don’t know what will be.

Yes.

Yes you should leave. You would be doing the right thing for your dc. Yes there will be initial upheaval for them but in the long run it is the right for them.

He won’t stand a chance of 50:50, he’s just trying to frighten you.x

It has been 4 years that you have known about it. He has had all that time to get clean. That is long enough. It actually sounds like he is getting worse.

You’re oldest is rapidly reaching an age where he could witness people taking drugs or be offered some himself. (Weed usually first but still drugs)

He could end up wanting to try drugs in order to understand his father and unfortunately you need to make a stand and demonstrate that his dae’s behaviour is far from ok before it ruins the next generation.

I suspect that he’ll use more cocaine once you’re gone but that’s not your fault and you can’t cure him from his addiction. You and your kids deserve better

Why are you still with him, kick him to the kerb and put your children first.

Do you want your children brought up to witness and have to live through this? Do you not think that you could do better?
Do you realise things can only get worse?

Yes.

Need you ask?

Yes, you absolutely should.

And, genuinely, you're lucky that social services haven't been involved yet.

You and your children need a safe and stable place to live where there is no risk of:
Finding him ill/dead of an OD
Finding/ coming into contact with drugs
Being at risk from other people due to his lifestyle (think people coming round to recover drug debt etc)
Risks of him offending to fund his habit since he has now lost his job
Risks around his use increasing or other substances being introduced
Risks of unpredictable behaviour due to drug use

Leave now op and please take the issue more seriously. I’m sorry to say this but it’s bad enough you had another child with him even knowing about his addition for a long time.