Found out husband has a gambling addiction while I’m pregnant with our first child

[Dsm29]

I have just discovered my husband who I’ve been with for 8 years - married just coming up 2 years has a major gambling addiction, we’re also expecting our first child in 4 months. I know silly me for not realising sooner but apparently has been going on for years. He’s borrowed and lied about needing money from friends and family. He’s only come out with it because he asked my brother in laws for money and they thought it was suspicious, so he didn’t really have any intention of telling me.
I still feel like he’s hiding more, I am beyond stressed, quite heartbroken and thinking of leaving. There’s holes in most of his stories he tells, I didn’t know about him borrowing money from friends so again didn’t tell me this. Any advice?

I’m so sorry this is happening to you op.

i am an addict but in recovery. I haven’t touched coke in 20 years but I’ll always be an addict. So will your DH. Most addicts don’t ever get clean, getting clean/sober a a very hard job and it takes an exhausting amount of work, personal reflection and accountability, and dedication. Most prefer minimal effort failure and keep their crutch. Some manage to swap out for a “better” addiction like exercise but most addicts destroy the people around them slowly over years.

if I was in your shoes right now….

Get access to his credit reports today . There is every chance that he has a load of secret debt that you are oblivious to. You want see reports of all of the major credit reporters . Check your own too, it’s not unusual to find that a. Gambler has taken out spousal debt illegally.

then you need to see his bank statements. Look for online gambling and cash withdrawals and add it all up.

He is probably not going to like any of this and may well well even DARVO you. But you need compete and utter clarity in the form of factual information to start to prepare yourself and your plan of action. The emotional stuff comes later, right now it’s shell shock and a fact finding mission.

if the debt is significant and a default risks your home, I would start divorce proceedings immediately . And yes I really would initiate divorce to protect myself and the baby. I know what addicts are like ( again I’m sorry, this must be awful for you).

you can do all that but ultimately he needs to decide what he wants to do too. He may well want to split up when he realises his addiction is under threat. Is very unlikely that he will want to stop and actually stop the first time. It’s a roller coaster and there are states of denial ( I can control it) delusion ( I can just bet £5 a week surely) and mean any manipulative spite ( well aren’t YOU just perfect and flaw free and here I am a disaster, must be so nice for YOU!) .

it’s a shit show but you need to tell people the truth so you have support and so they know not to enable him. You need to prioritise yourself and your upcoming baby (assuming you want to continue the pregnancy.) you can and will get through this but it likely won’t be easy unless you are during enough to walk away and stay away.

@greengodivahas given you some excellent advice. The only way I envision a way through this is complete honesty from DH. If he didn’t voluntarily tell you about the addiction then he probably isn’t ready to admit his gambling is a problem.

You need to know how deep he’s in, in terms of debt and be sure that you are not liable for joint debt or debt take out in your name. Once you are sure you have a full disclosure, then you need to insist on having all his bank and credit cards, his wages paid into a joint account he can’t access readily and you give him money to get to work and back and that is it. He has completely broken your trust and unless he can do this, I don’t think you can continue to be married. I’m so sorry you’re having to think about this at all, let alone with a baby on the way.

Hello, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I had the same discovery when our baby was about 9 months old.

like you have mentioned, the amount of lies that had been told in order to cover his gambling addiction was shocking, never mind the money that should have been in our little family that was gone.

you don’t have to make any decisions right now, but you do need support. You are not alone, and now that you know better what you’re dealing with the good news is you can now get the support that’s waiting for you.

there is a uk charity called GamCare. They help addicts and their affected contacts. I called them a day or two after finding out about my husbands addiction and they set me up with a therapist in my town (they are all over the country)
I had weekly sessions with him for a while, all for free. They weren’t really about me or my deep feelings but rather about helping me to understand the psychology of a gambling addict, to recognise behaviours and patterns that were happening in my home, and to get the insight and tools to navigate them.
in my case, these sessions helped me to see how deep my husband was in his addiction, how much I had been manipulated and was a victim of financial abuse, and how to break free of his behaviours. I still call on the knowledge and techniques those sessions gave me 10 years later, when he falls into his old ways (we are now divorced)

for him, gamcare will provide addiction help through one to one therapy, group meetings etc. but he has to want to engage with it and you can’t make him. You can call gamcare for yourself and they will help you to suggest it to him.

the other way I found support was to blow the lid off his secrecy - I called his mum, his sister, my mum and told them what I’d learned. His complex web of lies came tumbling down and his family were then in a position to rally round and support him, I suggest you do the same as this will make a big difference in whether he can continue gambling like he has, or whether that is made more difficult for him and he has support instead of co-operation.

im so sorry you’re going through this, you will come through it but take it one day at a time

Thank you for all of this, I’ve gone through one bank account and messaged the people he owes money to I.e friends/family to see how much. I’ve got a few more accounts to go through and I think he’s managed to re open his betting accounts under my name. We will see want him to get the support he obviously needs.

Divorce him so you are legally separated and you don’t get affected by his (future) debts. You could continue to live together if that works but don’t stay married.

My best friend is 25 years in with a gambler. Don't do it. You'll always need to be looking over your shoulder.

They were almost mortgage free, now she works 6 days a week to provide for their family with no idea when she can retire. He's off work with depression and when he does work it's 12 hours a week because he's 'unwell'. Financial and emotional abuse every time he fucks up.

When she's considering leaving him he says he's going to kill himself and they've 3 kids so, you know 🤷‍♀️

I just couldn't live that life.

Think very, very carefully about this. Sounds like you've gone into rescue mode, why are YOU phoning family and friends?

How you react now will set the pattern for years to come. If you can't trust him to be honest about the debt now, what makes you think he'll be honest the next time he gambles big?

My friend can't give her pin number to her partner, because he'll steal money. She can't let him have access to the bank accounts, because he'll steal money. She has to hide the kid's birthday money, because he'll steal money.

Last time he stole her engagement ring and pawned it. You'll always come second to thd addiction.

I know you've a child on the way, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Using your name doesn’t bode well at all.

He’s an addict and it’s deeply rooted. HE must be the one that genuinely wants to get help.

I would divorce him so you are not financially connected to him.

If you don’t want to do that get all your assets in your name only, so that they can’t be liquidated against his gambling debts.

Like @Arewethebadguys, my friend also lost everything and had to start again from scratch in her 50’s after slowly but surely losing everything.

How are you going op? Randomly woke up thinking about this thread this morning. I hope you are well .

Leave. It won’t get better. If nothing else, he’s been lying to you all these years. He’s not the man you think he is.

Oh OP i'm so sorry you're going through this. A good friend had years of her husband was saying he had given up, and not, it has ruined her life. She finally left him at fifty, but it ruined her financially and she wishes she left before.

You need to take his debit cards away and only give him enough cash per day for hi lunch etc that’s what my friend did with her husband and he broke the habit that way and channeled it into obsessively making money buying and selling crap on eBay but that actually does bring in money

I was married to a gambling addict and I absolutely agree with PP saying that you need to divorce him now.

You did not cause the problem and you can't fix the problem.

I spent 20 miserable years married to a gambling addict. Do not be me.

Break up, get him to leave. Do not have any more children with him.

@Dsm29 how are you?

Sending lots of strength to help with whatever is to come.