How can I support my son with drug and alcohol misuse?

[AndDoIDare]

DS23 has ADHD (medicated), anxiety and depression (also medicated) and is taking ketamine and I think cocaine plus he drinks. He is in his final year at university and his friends all seem to take drugs. He is home for Easter and he came down to dinner last night, obviously high - he blamed the prescribed diazepam but I am fairly sure it was ketamine. He talks about rehab after he finishes uni but I don't believe he really wants to quit. He lies all the time. He gets money from his Dad who lives overseas or his friends will buy him drugs so he can join the party.

I don't know what to do or where to go for support.

Bumping for you as didn't want to read and run.

I'm afraid I don't have a good answer, but I'm hoping someone will come along to help you as this really is an anxiety inducing and difficult situation for any parent.

It sounds as if he's on quite a concoction. Has he told you about the ketamine himself? If so - that's a good start at least. Being able to keep an honest communication flowing is key.

I agree with @toffeeappleturnip about keeping communication open, and knowing when to stop and try not to brow beat (I understand how difficult it is though).

Can you talk about the effects of ketamine regarding bladder function and grown men having to wear nappies etc.

It’s really worth educating yourself about it.

I believe Ketamin can cost as little as £20 and coccaine is more like £80. People can and do take them together so it’s a very expensive habit, let a lone the health risks.

I really hope he improves. It’s such a worry and not uncommon these days. When he finishes university, he needs to stay away from his friends. It’s a nightmare, but people can turn it around if they want to.

Good luck 💐

…sadly lying goes with the territory.
Would he go to turning point? He’s got to want to though.

The tragic truth about addiction is that only the addict can actually do anything about it.

The very good news is that there is a whole support network built specifically for the family and friends of addicts called Nar-Anon which is the sister programme to NA. There’s also Al Anon for people who’s loved one is an alcoholic.

The best thing you can do is get some support for yourself so that you are in the best possible position to deal with his behaviour:

https://www.nar-anon.co.uk/

Ketamine - they end up with no bladder and incontinent. Poor choice.

watch BBC Panorama Ketamine Crisis
https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m002gtgn/panorama-britains-ketamine-crisis?seriesId=unsliced&page=1

Cocaine and ketamine are often mixed, a ‘ck’ or ‘Calvin klein’

Thanks everyone for replying. We had the conversation previously about the impact of ketamine, bladder issues and nappies. But at his age they don’t seem to believe it will happen to them. He didn’t tell me he was using again but he did tell DD. I can’t see real evidence that he wants to stop.

I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this-it’s incredibly tough. I was in a similar place with alcohol, constantly saying I’d quit later but not meaning it. What helped me was going to an inpatient rehab. It wasn’t just about stopping, but understanding why I was using. You can’t force him to change, but setting boundaries and not enabling him really matters.

You can’t make him stop and if he’s taking it at home on his own then I’m afraid he’s seriously addicted; this is way past recreational use.

sadly until he wants to he won’t. And honestly there is nothing you can do; I had a family member the same.

Thanks to everyone who gave advice the last time. I managed to keep DS away from the ketamine while he finished his degree but then he has started again and he is clearly using cocaine as well.

We told him after the last time he used that he would need to leave the house and live elsewhere if he did it again. A week later and he has used again at home. DH wants to tell him to leave tomorrow. I am really against this as DS has managed to get a job and he will inevitably lose this if sofa surfing with his ket-head mates. I want to give him time to find something more stable. Or try to get him to admit he has an addiction issue and go to rehab. I fear throwing him out will mean we lose him forever and his life will go in a worse direction.

DH and I have argued about this. No idea where to go from here. Feel incredibly sad.

Op, a pp has suggested NarAnon and AlAnon. You will find help and support there from people who have been through/are going through the same.
I am very sorry you are going through this.

Did you try any of the family support groups?

In those you would hear about enabling behaviour and how it’s best to let the alcoholic feel the full effects of their addiction / choices.

If he loses the job then that might be his wake up call to sort himself out. If you keep protecting him from the consequences it won’t seem so bad to him so he’ll keep using.

It often doesn't work this way. The family members I know who died early from alcohol and drug dependence are those that lost their jobs and then just sunk further into the behaviour, stopped eating properly and literally wasted away. The mythical rock bottom killed them.

The one's that survived kept up some form of worklife, were fed everyday by their families and survived well into old age.

All alcoholics - different outcomes.

We are going through similar with alcohol only.
I’ve worked with street homeless people and the story of being thrown out is very common.
I genuinely believe that unless they are harming you by their actions, turning your back can backfire hugely