Partners gambling habit

[CharlottePage]

I've just discovered my partner has a bad gambling habit he's been hiding from me for around a year. We have a child and a house together and I'm not sure where to go from here.
We are trying to renovate a house, but when it came to any new projects he never had money. We both earn almost the same, yet I've picked up the bill for pretty much everything this year over and above the mortgage and the bills, which we split.
He's run up debt and got to a point this month he can't afford to pay his credit card without using his overdraft.
3 weeks ago I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. I'm pretty disgusted he would allow me to get pregnant knowing what he knew. While I went down for general anaesthetic for miscarriage surgery, he was gambling.
I don't know how I can get to a point where I fully trust him again. Just a few weeks back I thought I was about to have my second baby with the love of my life and now everything is on its head.
Should I leave him? I can afford to buy him out of the house and run the house without him.

Only you know if you should leave him. Do you know the extent of his debt?
I would be very unhappy if he cannot fulfil his obligations re family finances.
I discovered several years ago my DH had gambled away a lot of money. I was more than furious. We had a very frank discussion, he understood that if things didn't change it would be the end.
Things have changed, he pays his way, I know he still has a flutter, but he pays his way first.

If you stay with him you're in for a lifetime of pain.

You’re worrying about trusting him again but he actually hasn’t done anything to earn that.

Both of you should do a credit check, share everything, work out what to do. You need to know the extent before you plan.

Previous addict here. Cocaine, not gambling. Please feel free to research my name and addiction and see my exact opinions on whether you should stay with an addict but the highlights are -

no. Don’t stay with an addict. Being an addict is easy for the addict and horrific for their family. But the simple reality is that tackling addiction is hard work. Not just one day, but every day for the rest of your life. This is why most addicts relapse and drag their families and loved ones down with them. It’s a constant effort to not give in to the addiction and the reality of addiction is that the addiction is ALL THAT MATTERS. I’ve spent years in and out of therapy and I’ve not touched cocaine in so many years now that I don’t even know how many. But I still have an addictive personality and I have been bankrupt previously and have to be incredibly careful. These days my addictions are my allotment and house plants but I STILL have to be careful as I can go OTT. I think mine stems from untreated ADHD (recently diagnosed). But don’t for a think that makes it ok, it doesn’t.

basically you need to decide how much of your life and your money you are going to dedicate to wasting on trying to rescue a person that tbh, doesn’t want to be rescued. If he did want to be rescued, he’d already have looked into therapy and be doing it. At the very best, He wants you to force him into it so he can fail and say “boy you made me do this and I wasn’t ready”.

overcoming addiction is all about taking responsibility for your own actions and addicts are SHOCKINGLY BAD at doing this. It’s not their fault. No. It’s their parents. Their upbringing, their friends, the weather. Anything but them.

so decide how long you are prepared to waste and honestly, halve it. decide how much money you are prepared to sink into him while you wonder why he doesn’t love you enough to change. Then halve it.

then throw him in the bin and walk away ASAP as he is a money pit that will destroy you and your child.

You can't trust him. That doesn't necessarily mean that you can't stay with him if you want to but you can't trust him.

Don't marry him - because you don't want to be financially linked. Don't have any joint accounts or joint financial obligations. Get the mortgage and deeds of the house in your name alone. Check your credit report regularly.

If you stay together you'll need to get all the money you need off him on payday before it's gone. That would include money for food, petrol, repairs and maintenance etc. He might appreciate you giving him money weekly for budgeting but some would say that is infantalising and you shouldn't have to do this (both of which would be true).

You also can't trust him to have access to any savings you are investing for your child. The gambling urge can be too strong for people to resist even when they know it is wrong. I saw a program of a man addicted to gambling that had no more access to money. He gambled using his company credit card and did that knowing it would be audited and he would lose his job. He knew that would be the consequence but he did it regardless because he couldn't help himself. Assume your partner can't help himself but gamble and lock all your finances down. Zero trust.

Gambling is so dangerous that I would say yes, you’re better off leaving him.

Only you know if it’s worth sticking around or not. Is his gambling isolated or coupled with other addictions? When my partner would use that’s when he’d gamble, but once he got sober the gambling aspect went away. However he had residents in rehab with him who were there solely due to gambling.

As you have children together, realistically yes I’d run for the hills.