Leave or stay?

[Heartbroken91]

Hi, I’m reaching out because I really need some advice about my situation. I’ve been with my partner for 13 years and we have three children together, aged 12, 7, and 4 months. I love him deeply, but I’m aware that he has been struggling with a problem for around five years, possibly longer, and it has affected our relationship and our home life.

We live in a rented property that is in his name. Over the years, I’ve taken out credit in my name for things he needed or asked for, with the understanding that he would be the one paying it. Because of this, I feel very financially tied to him. I’m also physically tied, with nowhere else to go, especially with the children at school and me currently on maternity leave, even though I am working.

I have applied for housing, but I’ve been told there is a waiting list. My only other realistic option right now would be to pack up and take the children to live with my parents, who live about 40 minutes away. I’m struggling because I don’t know what would be more upsetting for the kids—moving them away from their current schools and routines, or staying in the situation we’re in now.

I want to make choices that are best for my children, but I’m feeling really unsure and overwhelmed. I love my partner and I hope things can change, but at the same time I need to think about stability and what’s healthiest for all of us.

How long until the things you’ve paid for are paid off?
And please don’t pay for anything else for him.

Cut your losses and get the children out.

Problem with what? Is he aware? Does he want to recover?

Regardless, right now I’d cut my losses too and get out. It might just be the wake up call he needs or if not, you still need to get out of that situation.

Is the problem drugs? If yes you need to get out with the kids, and does this not make finding a new home more of a priority when applying for housing? (I don’t know the answer just asking if you get prioritiesed or not)

@PersephoneParlormaid quite a while, I’m worried if we leave he will no longer honour this agreement and il have to find the extra each month to pay things off.

@reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson
Cocaine, he says he wants to get better but he’s not really trying. He went to NA for about two weeks and then said it wasn’t for him. He’s still taking cocaine multiple times a week and when I confront him he just says he will “be stronger” when I ask him how he’s planning on stopping. Iv treated to leave if he doesn’t stop but I don’t think he thinks I really will because he knows I somewhat feel trapped due to financial ties and having nowhere locally to go.

@Peanutbutteryday
He has a cocaine problem, for them to see me as a priority to house I would need to escalate things which could mean things start to get nasty. I don’t want any nastiness I just want what’s best for my children, which at the moment I don’t think he is able to be.

@Heartbroken91 if he has a cocaine problem and is still at the stage where he doesn’t really want to get better, I’m afraid you have no choice but to leave even if things need to get nasty. In fact, things getting nasty might be what he needs to see the reality of the damage his addiction is causing.

My partner was addicted to cocaine and the only reason he got better is because he reached rock bottom. True rock bottom. Not having any children together is the only reason I stuck by him, I don’t think it would have been possible otherwise. He’ll drain the life out of you, your finances, your children and there’s a very high chance he’ll also cheat. It’s a lose-lose situation.

@reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson i had hoped it wouldn’t take him reaching rock bottom. It just feels so final to leave - even more so if we move 40 minutes away and the children have to change schools. There will be no going back. I have asked him to leave and il take over the flat but he won’t do that. Unfortunately I feel like I’m running out of options. He’s not really committing to getting sober and his addiction is impacting all areas of our lives.

I think with addiction there is no choice but for the individual to hit rock bottom for them to want to even consider getting better unfortunately. It’s not your fault x

@Heartbroken91 they have to reach rock bottom, after everything we’ve been through I’ve come to accept it’s the only way. I knew my partner while he was trying to stay sober on his own so I knew his “actual” personality, so to say, which is why I think we’ve managed this far.

And saying that, even rock bottom is no guarantee. Out of everyone my partner was in rehab with, only a handful of them saw it through and out of those, a few had been there before, so I’m also very conscious of the chance of a relapse. There were men there in their late 50s and even 60s still in the throes of addiction.

As you have children, my only advice is to protect them as much as you can, also so that it doesn’t normalise addiction in their eyes. It’s not your fault and please also seek support for yourself.