Chronic alcoholic taking advantage of elderly father

[Oxycarpus]

My brother who is a chronic alcoholic, has been thrown out of the marital home by his wife. She's been at the end of her tether for a while. They are in their 50s and she has one adult child who at the moment is also living in the house. He's recently been seeing the drug and alcohol services but is not complying with the home detox programme. He drinks continuously. He is never sober at the moment. Fortunately he's not aggressive. Unfortunately he's moved in with our very elderly father who is showing signs of cognitive decline and dementia. Under normal circumstances they get on well, but with his erratic behaviour, this isn't fair on dad and in allowing him to live in the spare room, I feel that Dad is unwittingly enabling the continuation of the alcohol abuse. We don't know where to go with this.

Would you rather your brother be homeless? That would make his alcohol dependencies much worse.

Stability with your DF may help him see the light?

That's a nice idea but I think he's too far gone. He had a nice stable home with his wife. Dad is 93, he doesn't deserve this. Homelessness may be the rock bottom he needs. He still sees his wife daily but she won't have him back until he stops drinking.

Does he have access to your dad's money? That's what I would be worried about

He's not necessarily taking advantage of him just by staying at his house. As long as your dad did actually agree he could stay. Hopefully he is chipping in for bills and helping your dad day to day even if he is drinking. Can you try and make sure this is happening?

It's not really helpful saying someone suffering from the beginning of dementia is enabling someone. Alcoholics will find ways to drink, no matter what. It's the addicts own responsibility to cut down or quit. And they've got to want to do so.

I hope he turns a corner and chooses sobriety, and that your dad is able to get the support he needs. Could you ask adult social care to do an assessment for your dad's care needs?

I know how he operates. He tries to dominate dad in small ways. He won't be paying any money. He's always had a key to Dad's house and just walked in one evening late at night when dad was in bed. He's not agreed for him to be there he just hasn't left. He's not deliberately enabling him, but enablement is a byproduct of him being housed for free.

I don't think so but it does worry me what a desperate person will be driven to.

It’s pretty obvious he won’t be contributing, given his condition. Your poor dad. I wonder whether social services should be involved?

Do you have financial and health LPA’s for your DF and does he have a diagnosis of Dementia?