Cocaine in marriage

[Brunolarge]

I need somewhere to let this all out and I’m sorry if it just seems like rambling but here goes

a year ago I found out after opening letters that my husband had stopped paying major household bills and our home was at risk. We separated I moved out for a few weeks to get my head straight and figure out if i wanted to stand by him and support him through recovery. I decided I would, we got on top of the bills and I took all control over the financial side of things, checking his bank regularly and he no longer has access to withdraw any cash as I have his bank cards. He can obviously Apple Pay etc but I monitor this whenever I feel the need to.

He was initially sober for 6 months completely off drink and drugs and attended meetings.
after 6 months he said he felt like he could drink again and slowly stopped going to the meetings as he said the meetings were too religion and god based when talking about higher power etc.

anyway a year on and over the past couple of months I have noticed behavioural changes and have found empty bags in pockets and hidden behind furniture and evidence he is taking cocaine again.
on Friday night I was convinced he had taken it so asked him outright and he said he hadn’t
before I went to bed I checked the bathroom as he had been in there quite alot all night and found evidence of it on the window sill. I confronted him and he admitted it I was horrified.

i have today found empty bottles in the bathroom which look like they have been used to store urine in which indicates to me that he is also fiddling the drug tests I randomly ask him to do.

I don’t know where to go from here….i really thought a year on I wouldn’t still be having to go through this turmoil. The only difference this time is that our bills are paid because I make sure of that.

i don’t know what I want really by posting this but I feel I can’t talk to anyone in real life about it as I know they will tell me to leave.
there are children on both sides and I can’t seem to think clearly at the moment.

I think underneath it all is knowing that he is lying and being deceitful even after giving him one final chance last year.

Children are even more reason to leave. He’s a lying addict.

You said it yourself, you gave him one final chance last year and you’re back here again.

This is sadly the problem with sticking by someone, what you’ve actually done is tell him it’s okay to behave this way because you will stay. You know you have a choice to make now, unless you want to be stuck in this loop again a year from now there is only one thing left to do.

I am sorry you are going through this but you need to reflect on the situation you are in here; you keep his bank cards, monitor his contactless spending and you are doing random drug tests on your Partner. This is not sustainable and it also hasn't worked to keep him clean. He needs to choose sobriety. You can't to this for him.

Unfortunately I think your only option is to leave. If you love him and you want to stay with him you can choose to continue a relationship with him when he is sober but right now, the drugs are his priority, not you.

Why are you putting yourself and your children through this? He is leaving cocaine around the house where kids live. You shouldn't have gone back after the first time, your kids deserve better than life with a drug addict. Of course people in real life will tell you to leave him, just as people on here will - why on earth wouldn't you leave him? Please don't still be going round in these awful circles in 10 years time, perpetually giving 'just one more chance'.

Where is he getting the money from? Cocaine ain't cheap. I'd find out how much he owes and who to. You don't want that coming to your front door!

There’s so many reasons why I don’t want to leave him. I feel guilt as marriage for me is for life through thick and thin, my child is in crucial years at school and I don’t want to cause disruption I also know that it won’t be easy starting over on my own again.
there is an element of me that thinks it’s giving up on someone

How is he paying for cocaine if you control the money?

that’s what I’m trying to figure out…he has only admitting to buying it last weekend and said he owes someone money for one lot. I told him to pay it and then that’s that

You did your best. You gave him a chance.

Now you have to do the right thing and walk away before he financially and emotionally destroys you.

You don’t think your child growing up around a coke addict, using the same bathroom his dad sniffs lines & hides urine bottles in to trick drug tests, is also incredibly damaging to your child in such crucial years?

You can’t cure someone else’s addiction but you can control how much of it you allow your children to be exposed to.

You gave him a chance. He fucked up. You can’t bring your children up with a drug and alcohol user. Please separate and protect your kids, and yourself.

It's ok to.walk away from a marriage when TH other person has let you down so significantly.
You gave him a chance and he blew it. he doesn't deserve another one.
He's an addict and has shown you that he can't stop, so you need to do the right thing for you and your children. As PP said growing up living with an addict will be much worse long term than a few months of upheaval

Honestly him forfeiting the meetings was the first red flag. He needs to find meetings he feels comfortable in - if he’s not religious, he’ll never get on board with faith based recovery, it’s a waste of time.

DP was addicted for years and now is doing great (ended up working in outreach) but if I felt the need to monitor every single step I honestly don’t think it would last. It breeds resentment quickly.

Your DH needs rehab but he may not be there yet. Do you think in your heart he has reached his rock bottom? He may not actually want to recover and be sober and may have done it just to keep you happy. DP’s rehab was full of men well into their 50s and 60s still stuck on a loop of addiction > trying to please their families > relapse.

My biggest takeaway from everything I’ve been through with my partner is that no one can convince them. It has to come from within. Also, we don’t have children together. You need to think of your children first and foremost.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

So did he say he needs to start AA again ? etc or is he still lying/minimising?
You know he’s an addict, he should never have started booze again.
You are the only one who can decide if you can live with the sword of Damocles over your head for life.
plus the risk of irrevocable debt, losing your home etc. Its an old story
Personally I would end it. I would prioritize my child & myself.

He said he has been struggling again for the past couple of months so he is stopping drinking and I have told him I think it’s a good idea to go back to the meetings.

He’s only admitted to that because you caught him. You issued an ultimatum. He continued to use. Cut your losses and protect your children.

The annoying thing is I know he can be clean and sober. He isn’t incapable of making the right decisions in regards to this but seems he had a lapse of judgement last weekend.

He is incapable OP, if he was capable you wouldn’t be in this position. It’s not about making a choice once, he has to make that choice every single day, forever, he has showed you he’s not capable of that.

How old are your children? It sounds like he left traces of drugs in your bathroom and you’ve found empty bags so doesn’t sound like he’s very careful. That would be my main reason for leaving him.

So he’s capable of staying clean but choosing not too. He won’t prioritise you and the kids so you must. You said if he did it again you would leave. He did it again so ….

Its not a “lapse of judgment”, He’s an addict. He has been struggling for a few months, He could have told you.. but No he decided to go with it…. How much is he in debt ? You can gauge from that how long he has been using again —If he tells you the truth—
My niece left her H, in similar sounding circumstances, she is broke (went without hot water for 2 months last winter broke) with her 2 DC ( went to Granny/Sisters/Swimming pool ti shower kids)
She still loves her H, but knows she cant rely in her XH.

are you going to wait until the bailiffs are at your front door, or one of your kids stumbles upon a baggy lying around before realising this man is a deadweight? You know what you need to do here. Do it for your children if not yourself.

especially if he isnt even their father

“Lapse of judgement” is NOT what it was. It was a conscious choice to do something knowing it would betray you.

Do you have joint children OP? I grew up with an addict as a parent. It was awful. You really need to protect your children, they don’t need this life. They will know so much more than they’re letting on- kids are not stupid.