Uncle just died of alcoholism, DS 19 so similar...

[Sadmum71]

So, our son is 19, he recently sat his A levels with 3 passes but mediocre results. He's on a year out at present and working on a building site, whilst he tries to decide what to do with his life.

We don't want to push him Ito university unless there's something he really wants to do as I know he'll not work at it or drop out. He was diagnosed with ADHD this year. He was put on Elvanse 60mg shortly before his exams but once they were over he stopped taking them as they were messing with his sleep patterns and he felt he wasn't 'himself' on them. I need to arrange a review with the psych.

Now I know this is a stressful time for him but smoking weed in his bedroom and appearing stoned on the stairs when we smelt it is just unacceptable. My DHs brother recently died of alcoholism at 52 and our worry is that our son is exactly like him in so many ways. No direction, no ambition, always does what his friends are doing... but SO stubborn and will not listen to anyone else. He's bright (though his results don't really reflect that), sporty, good with people and has a good work ethic but we really don't know what to advise him to do. He's toying with going into the police. Perhaps the routine and rigour will suit him. I can't see him sat in a desk job.

Anyway, before he embarks on anything I feel like we need to address the ADHD/ addiction issues. He loves drink, smoking, Monster drinks, vaping and any substance that changes his mood. How on earth can you make a stubborn 19 year old see sense??? Counselling? Family counselling? Stronger rules/boundaries (he's an adult!). Any advice gladly received...

Did your son see his uncle's body/go to the funeral?

As an aside this might be of interest – https://globaladhd.com/global-conference-schedule/

Registration is free.

No, he didn't see his uncle a great deal before he died as he lived the other end of the country, but did go to the funeral. I wished DS had seen his uncle as he looked dreadful and lived a horrible reclusive life, having thrown away his friends and family.

My DF died under similar circs age 53. His two uncles both also died of alcoholism. People compared them so much that my DF ended up thinking it was genetic affecting the males in the family, that it was inescapable, and that he was doomed to the same fate. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy. He was also ND.

Please don’t start a family legend that this runs in the family or that DS is similar to the uncle so will go down the same path. Your DS is an individual with free will and similarities in personality or neurodivergences don’t mean the ending will be the same.

Emphasize to him that he has choices and keep working gently (without pressure or stress) to get him out of this rut. ND was so poorly understood a few decades ago and we were labelled as bad instead of given help, your DS has had a whole different childhood/experience of the education system and medical care, he has so much chance of improving and finding his way.

That's a pity. I saw some photos of a former colleague and I assumed he was in the last stages of cancer. He died shortly after from complete organ failure as a result of alcoholism.

Thanks @MiraculousLadybug, you seem to get the situation. I hate that he has come to realise we compare him to his uncle, I know it's not good for his own confidence. His uncles death is just so fresh in everyone's mind it's hard not to be alarmed about the comparisons though. And it is genetic to a large extent isn't it??

Please support him. Please let him know you are always there for him. Please have boundaries (including no smoking inside your home)
and please do not make a thing of comparing him to uncle or letting him believe he is similar to that poor man.

also. Remember ADHD men are much more likely to die of misadventure or suicide than their NT peers. And that risky behaviour is also more likely. More likely to abuse drugs and alcohol and take stupid risks.

if you haven’t already - look into “spikey profiles”
Remember neurodivergent kids may be up to 30% delayed in some areas of development. Therefore he is not really 19yo in all areas of his life. He may be more like a 16, or even 15yo.

Listen to him. talk with him. Don’t judge. Don’t criticise.

does he play sport? Does he want to travel?

Does he have his driving licence yet?

are there little or large life milestones you can coax him towards? Otherwise you may have to patiently wait until he has taken some time “off” and / or until his school friends start to move on.

tbh I’d be encouraging my child to take some time off overseas. Get a different perspective on life.

btw Elvanse should not mess with sleep if taken early enough in the day. Ie if he takes it at 730am it should have worn off well before bedtime.

However ADHD does mess with sleep. as the mind whirrs like a whirling dervish.

Melatonin can help and the doctor can prescribe it to adhd patients. Which is better than abusing drugs to find sleep. It can also be bought online. Most of my friends who purchase it get brand Natrol in a slow / extended release format. Start low.

meditation has also been recommended. But I can’t (won’t?!) meditate so cannot recommend it myself!!!!

NOTE he should not drink or take other recreational drugs whilst taking Elvanse. And ideally at least 2 days break before / after consuming alcohol or other drugs.

has he learnt much about adhd since his diagnosis? Worth considering adhd specific coaching or therapy if you can afford it and if he is interested. (No funding on the nhs). There are adhd charities that run helplines and support sessions.

(adhd mummy here with adhd kids incl a younger teen)

Jannine Perryman is a renowned adhd advocate and adviser. I attended a virtual parenting course run by her when my first child was diagnosed. It was an amazing lifeline. Worth asking her (via LinkedIn or other social media or her website - adhd wise) if she runs any courses which might be helpful for you or your son. Or if she knows of any.

she starts by explaining what it is and what it is not. What may be helpful and what is nonsense. Helps you create your own toolkit for dealing with this different brain. All based on real life experience and with scientific backing where available. Highly recommend.

https://adhdwise.uk/

I wish I had some answers for you but had to reply as your post resonated so much with me. Both my husband and I have had a sibling die in their 50s as a result of alcoholism and our son (17 and in A level year) is currently on a waiting list for ADHD assessment (inattentive type) and seems to be self medicating with weed, vapes and alcohol and constant screen use (in his words "to calm my busy brain"). He takes days off school when he feels like it and I can't see how he will get his A levels, despite being bright, or what he will do afterwards. Unlike your son he doesn't have a work ethic and isn't sporty, though he does have a strong friendship group and is a talented musician. He also has very little respect for rules and authority, which doesn't help. We too have him smoking and vaping in the house despite a clear rule not to and then he has no problem lying about it. Anyway I just wanted to say you're not on your own and it isn't easy. Can I ask when your son was diagnosed with ADHD and what the process was? Also would he be open to your idea of counselling? One of our problems is that our son says everything is fine and it is us that has the problem.

Self medicating with drugs and alcohol, anything that gives a dopamine hit is very common with adhd (I have the inattentive type). Comparing him to his uncle is not helpful as your ds has his own unique challenges. First step would be to organise psych appointment and see if alternative medication will help.

Yes, I've just booked another appointment with his psychiatrist. We need to reassess what level of medication works for him. I don't think he was using Elvanse very responsibly as he was getting up late, taking the meds at irregular times and not looking after his circadian rhythms very well (which I know from my ADHD daughter is important).

He does plan to travel next year but at the moment those 'plans' are very vague and depend on what his mates want to do - he's not very assertive and doesn't seem to have much independent thought on the matter. He's also stuck procrastinating about his future career. It's difficult and yeah, maybe ADHD counselling might help (though it is £££)

We're having a sit down chat with him tonight. No ultimatums but just to set our boundaries (no weed in the house for a start!) and give him our support.

DP has ADHD and comes from addict parents, so he was exceptionally at risk.

He's turned it around but not before reaching complete rock bottom, however unlike your son he had no parental support at all. Your son rejecting medication but being okay with other addictive substances sounds like DP used to, through and through. He’s just self-medicating without realising it.

I don’t have much in the way of advice except (to echo what others said) keep an eye on him and keep being present and supportive. Don’t start panicking yet comparing him to his uncle, it’s far too early.

I think there's a big connection between unmedicated ADHD and weed and alcohol, isn't there? He needs to get back to a doctor to sort that out before he'll stop self-medicating.

Im not a medical expert or a scientist op...but my father died of alcoholism...yes I do believe there's a very strong genetic element. All the men on that side of my family have a tendency towards low mood/depression/mh problems. More pessimism/depression than anything else and my father was the only one with an addiction but I believe he used to deal with the mh issues. Interestingly the women in the family don't have a tendency towards this. It's fascinating really.

I agree with a pp that he should see his gp

Just one thing I thought that you said your ds is working on a building site and wouldn't be happy doing an office job...do you think maybe going to college and getting skilled up with a specific trade would suit him?

What is genetic is the 'sensitivity' to addiction (drink or drugs). Some people can drink/take drugs and not go down the addict route, but others can't.

I would suggest that your son can't. Just like some people can sit in the sun all day and not get skin cancer, but others can't. Somehow you need to try and explain this to him.

He's not genetically destined to become an addict though. Awareness is everything. And we are much more aware these days than we were decades ago.

My great uncle was an alcoholic. As is/was my father. It probably went further back than that. But it has stopped with me and my siblings, because we are aware. We might have the same genes, but we know we can't take risks, so we don't drink - at all.