My son dad

[Lolill]

My son dad an alcoholic and he won’t stop asking me when I will allow him to have our son on his own we’ve had plenty of conversations why I don’t let him especially because he has sleep apnea and needs his sleep in the day plus he’s an alcoholic which is the main reason I don’t let him have our son on his own he’s not trustworthy. I’ve already seeked advice and I’ve been told I’m doing the right thing but he doesn’t see it like that and he only really says he wants him on his own when he’s had a drink. And when he sober he sleeps all day and he hardly does anything with our son even when he was born and he’s two now. What else can I do?

Unfortunately all you can do is keep saying "No". If you want to be more specific, something like "The advice I have received is that it is not appropriate for anyone suffering from problematic alcohol misuse to be in sole care of a child. Once you have demonstrated a consistent ability to control your alcohol issues then I will be happy to discuss contact with DS", in writing, will make it easier to demonstrate what your concerns really are.

I’ve told him plenty of times to go to AA again and stick to it this time but all I get back is “ it doesn’t work and I can’t be doing it in a group “ or “it doesn’t work for me and I don’t need help” it’s a constant battle and he doesn’t have much of a bond with our son because even from birth he was still battling his drinking and then saying to me how much he will change or when we was apart he said he’s changed and his drinking just on a Friday but he’s still drinking loads again. He’s done nothing to change and I just can’t let him have our son on his own.

Believe me, I know how hard it is to stand up to that kind of relentless badgering but it's the only thing you can do. Social Services got involved because of my ex's drinking and the social worker told me pretty bluntly that they required me to do what was needed to protect my DCs. If Social Services thought they couldn't rely on me to do that then my kids would be taken into care that day. They told me that.

If AA doesn't work for your ex then fair enough, there are loads of alternatives. But it's up to him to find what works for him. Him saying "AA isn't any use" and then not doing anything else is simply him finding a justification to keep drinking. That is a "him" problem, not a "you" problem. Right now all you can say for sure is that he's drinking and he's got no plans to change that. When you look at it that way then keeping your DS safe is absolutely the right thing for you to do.

It’s so draining our son 2 now and we’ve been together 3 years but in the 3rd year thats when I had to leave but then he kept telling me how much he’s changed but he really hasn’t. And that is so scary 👀 I’m glad you and your kids are ok, and he doesn’t help himself at all and even with sleep apnea he’s had 3 appointments for a sleep machine and he cancelled the last two and said he can’t cope with noise or the mask on the face but then told me that they cancelled the appointments all 3 times but he forgot he already told me he did it the last two appointments 🤦🏻‍♀️ he go off the drink saying he detox so he does and then say 4-5 he drink and then drink a couple days in a row. I just can’t deal with the constant messing about he does and I’m most certainly not letting him have our son on his own and I’ll stick to that no matter what.

My child's Dad is an alcoholic and I don't think he should be in sole charge until my son is capable of looking after himself- if then!
He has also found AA doesn't work...but I have found really good support in Alanon Family groups. There are online groups if you can't get to a meeting but I find it really helpful to go to in person meetings. Would you consider contacting them?

All the best 🌸

Exactly this our son two and he just doesn’t do much with him and when he does it last for about 10mins and then he’s onto something else. And I’m gonna have to contact someone again for more advice cause I don’t wanna put my son in any danger when I’m not there cause I’m constantly thinking if I was to that his dad would sleep in day, drink and then pass out or doesn’t give him the attention he needs. He doesn’t help me with our son I was doing everything being a single mother while still in relationship with his dad. How are you finding it? And thank you so much same to you too 💗💗