As I write this down in black and white, the reality of what I am dealing with is truly horrifying. I don’t even know if this is the correct thread because this could be a sex addiction, or this could be me being naive.
4 years ago I met a wonderful man. He is funny, kind, supportive, and has treated me better than I have ever been treated. I know that he loves me and shows me every day that he cares for me. None of this is to defend what I’m about to say, but I do know he loves me- even if he’s not treated me correctly.
In January, I found him messaging women. It wasn’t regular messaging and it was sub/dom fantasies. He was sending them money at regular intervals in the conversation although there wasn’t actual sexual acts going on, the conversation was about what he liked etc. I was devastated when I found out, and in the days that followed we talked things through. It became apparent that there was some fairly serious childhood trauma and that he was seeking to replicate a power dynamic and what he had experienced. He agreed to go to therapy and I thought were back in a good place.
Two weeks ago, i found a secret instagram account and it was clear that not only had he re started this behaviour, it had actually escalated. He had taken out two credit cards (paid off thankfully) and created a fake email to hide what he was doing. He has had video calls in which he paid women to encourage him to hurt himself- but evidently for his enjoyment, and actually met one woman to give her cash. I know nothing happened between them because a) her agreed role is take money and berate him and b) the conversation after demonstrates that is what happened.
He has spent thousands of pounds on this, and is now through his savings.
This is bad enough. But there is more. When these lies became apparent, a load more came tumbling out. He doesn’t have the qualifications he told me he did and has had plastic surgery (he told me he was injured and it was corrective- all before we met). It seems that he has had a significant issue with lying for a long time, and does this to cover his idea of ‘flaws’.
I’ve spoken to family and it appears that he had a physically and emotionally abusive upbringing, and it’s evident that he was always told he wasn’t clever enough or good enough. Family members also threatened to kill themselves if he didn’t go into their preferred profession or didn’t achieve what they wanted for him.
He described to me that he hates himself and finds the act of being belittled and humiliated to ‘sooth’ him. He said that it returns him to his default feeling of worthlessness and finds feeling happy and secure to be disorientating. I know that I offered him happiness and security, as well as constant support.
I also know that he is extremely ashamed of his behaviour.
To hear that someone I held in such high regard, view themselves in that way, was truly devastating. I can’t understand it, because even with this knowledge, his character and kindness leads me to believe that he is not a terrible person. Just very, very damaged from his life experiences.
Since I’ve found this out, he has taken a number of steps. He has been open with family and friends for the first time ever (we’ve all spoken so we know we are on the same page). He let me attend his therapy with him and speak to his counsellor. He has told his business partner that he is struggling with his MH and asked for a period of absence to attend some intensive inpatient treatment at a hospital. He’s also made enquiries about post discharge therapies to support him. And he has been to a GP and is awaiting assessment for ADHD. He is now also medicated for the first time ever.
I know that he has never done any of these things before.
I feel stupid saying this, but I love this man and I want to forgive this. To me, after reading a load of scholarly articles and speaking with a psychosexual psychologist, this speaks to extremely low self esteem and addiction/compulsion issues. It doesn’t excuse it but it does explain the almost Jekyll and Hyde persona that I am facing. On the face of it, he is the best person I’ve ever known but behind the scenes, he is lying and betraying me.
Am I stupid to stay and support him in this? Should I see if he follows through with the actions that he has made? Or should I cut my losses now?
Both options offer heartache and pain.