I don’t know how to help my son

[Iassume]

My son has just confessed to a gambling habit that is suddenly out of control. He’s just been paid and has gambled it all. He has already borrowed a lot of money from me. He won’t be able to pay his rent, bills etc. I can’t keep “lending” him money.
Has anyone been through this and could tell me what I can do to support him so he can stop this awful addiction?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I would seek out a specialist counsellor with experience in this area to start, and consider whether being his financial manager is something you would consider.

Because of disability my child is incapable of managing their finances, so I have been appointed to manage all their money for them. This sort of thing can be set up if your son consents, for all sorts of reasons, if your son is not able to handle his money responsibly. If he hasn't got access to money, he can't gamble it, his expenses are met and he can slowly take over his own finances again when and as able.

It's good he was able to come to you for help and that he has support.

Yes definitely try to get him to engage with specialist services. Make a few calls and see what you can find in his local area/ on Teams.

Thank you for your replies. These were the only things I could think of. We had a long chat on the phone last night and he admits he has to do “something” but is very reluctant to involve any specialists at this point.

i suggested being a sort of financial manager for him but he said that wouldn’t solve the problem, it would just postpone it. I can see his point. He gets very defensive and tells me I don’t understand how his brain works. That bit is true because I don’t understand how an intelligent person can do something so stupid. I don’t say that to him but he constantly says it about himself.

You really need to stop seeing it as stupid and a clash with intelligence. It’s not stupid, it’s the body’s intelligence to fulfil a need - it’s probably a craving to fill a deep hole he feels inside, often an emotional need that didn’t get met sufficiently early in life. So it’s really a clever way the mind/body seeks to get needs met. When you can flip the narrative, you stop the shame around it and that can help the problem begin to untangle. The shame is probably his main reason for not wanting to involve professional help. He might be getting defensive because by shaming or trying to fix the problem, you’re maybe inadvertently shaming the emotional need in him, and that’s very, very painful. It’s understandable that he’d want to keep that vulnerable, needy part of himself very safe, protected and hidden. I recommend Gabor Maté’s book on addiction for you both - In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts.

1. don’t give him ANY money. You are just prolonging the inevitable.

2. warn his family and friends not to give him ANY money. See 1) above.

There are support groups for family members of gamblers, see if there is one in your area or one that you can join online.

Paul Merson did a documentary on his gambling addiction a few years back, I had a Quick Look on iPlayer bit it’s currently unavailable but I’m maybe you’d still be able to find it with a bit more digging. It was very interesting as he had it under control at the time of the documentary but felt it would never be ‘cured’.

I do hope you’re able to find a way of mutually helping him through. 💐

Don’t give him any more money and make sure there is no way he can access your accounts.

Then go to support groups to connect with people who have been through this and can give you good advice and support.

He needs to choose to seek help himself for it to be of any benefit. Right now all you can do is stop enabling him and get your own support to give yourself strength.

Thank you for your words. You have absolutely hit the nail on the head. His childhood was dysfunctional due to his alcoholic father. I thought I had done a good job of taking on both roles, mother and father, but now that we’ve had some heart to heart talks he was more affected by it all than I thought.

Although my ex left the family about 12 years ago my children have always kept in touch with him. My son was at uni near where he lived with his 2nd wife and he saw a lot of him during those years.
Sadly his father ruined that marriage because of his drinking and he is now a non functioning, homeless, penniless shell of a man who is relying on his children for help.
I can see that this relates to my son’s recent behaviour but I genuinely thought that seeing his father as he is would be a warning to him.
I don’t know if I have the strength to go through this after the years of dealing with his father.

I told him I wasn’t giving him any more money so he got two loans. That is a very rocky road to ruin.

Thank you. I’ll have a look for the documentary.

@Iassume its great you can recognise all of this. You do have the strength. It can be exhausting feeling stuff, but you can do it. All you need to do is be there/be a loving presence for your son, and you can do that best by staying really close to yourself and what you’re feeling - put your oxygen mask on first. Let yourself feel your own helplessness, sadness, anger etc about it all, and process any leftover stuff about your ex by yourself. How you feel (angry, betrayed etc) will probably be totally different to how your son feels. He’s possibly still got a little boy inside who really needs to idolise a big, strong dad, and the lack of that kind of dad and the hole that causes (the ‘hungry ghost’ inside him) might be what’s driving him to addictive behaviour. There’s a whole grief process to go through when you’ve not had a present parent when you were really young, and it’ll look different and start in a different place to your process. He might not be ready to feel the anger/disgust etc about how his dad has ended up. That will come in time, later on.

Thank you for your positive messsge. I really appreciate it

For yourself, you might find help from the way forward program by gamcare (https://www.gamcare.org.uk/news-and-blog/blog/way-forward/). I have been through a similar experience with my son, although mine was fortunately not yet in any debt from anywhere/anyone when he considered his gambling problems to me.