Partner has chosen his porn addiction over me

[BananaBananna2025]

I have little energy so apologies if my post seems a bit blunt.

We’ve been together for 10 years and have three children. Since I birthed our first child, I noticed our sex life decline, I thought this was normal and we still had sex sometimes. Over the years it became less and less, once a year at the absolute most.

I tried harder with my appearance and always made sure I stayed fit and healthy, and still it felt there was no attraction towards me from his end. At the same time, affection became less and less so no cuddles, handholds, kissing etc.

For years I questioned why he wasn’t attracted and the main answer I got was that I was too controlling, I text him too much when he was out with his friends and he regained control through not having sex with me. I changed this straight away (although I don’t think I overdid it), but I thought if it’s impacting us this much, I’m prepared not to text him when he is out. Nothing changed and so when I was pregnant with our third child, I’d had enough.

He then shared he had a porn addiction and that this addiction pre dated our relationship. He said his pattern of behaviour and disconnection was present with other partners too. He promised to change, he acknowledged the issues and still.. nothing.

Anyway, years of trying to help, trying to talk about it and trying to be understanding has ended in him saying that he knows he cannot change. I’m absolutely devastated, I feel betrayed and strung along. I know I need to leave now but I have idea where to start. I don’t have a support system and I have three little ones who will have their world flipped upside down.

When I’ve spoken to people about porn addiction, they laugh it off and say ‘oh, every man watches porn’, but it’s devastated my young family and left me with no self esteem, self worth and I feel absolutely repulsive. The impact is so big and yet my pain feels so invisible to others.

I guess I’m asking for some hope and words to get me through.

Are you sure it’s only a porn addiction and he’s not actively cheating on you with sex workers etc?

It depends what he wants to do. There's support out there, for example
https://weareserenity.org.uk/ and specialised therapists which he can find on BACP. However, he needs to make the effort to get help and get clean.

He may be self medicating which all addicts are doing, so he needs to get to the root of his addiction or he may end up with something else. You probably need couple's counselling as well to try and get your relationship on track.

Honestly, I have no idea. The only way I’d know for sure is if he shared, which I don’t know if he would.

This is really helpful. Thank you so much! It’s an extremely isolating journey and so far I haven’t found anyone I can really talk to. Even some therapists I’ve spoken to don’t appreciate the enormity of this type of addiction.

I am so sorry you’re going through this. He’s completely neglected you emotionally and spiritually. How people can laugh this off is beyond me. Sex (or physical intimacy like cuddles and affection if you physically can’t have sex) is adult attachement behaviour and is the cornerstone of any romantic relationship. You are right to be angry. Don’t le anyone gaslight you. If a man were saying this people would be sorry for him or being understanding when he had an affair. It’s abuse in my opinion. I know it will be hard but get out. And people ask why use the words above. You’re pouring everything into your kids and him. No one is looking after you. Sending all the hugs. You got this - get out x

I know it’s not ideal while you’re feeling so devastated but if I were you I’d try my best to do a little detective work. He may well be addicted to porn only, but I’d be extremely surprised that a man who has sex with his partner once a year isn’t getting it from elsewhere.

Like all addictions, he won’t see the full impact until he hits rock bottom and for some people rock bottom never comes. As it stands right now, he doesn’t seem interested in changing and there’s nothing on god’s green earth you can do to help. I learned this the hard way with my partner.

If you’re in the UK there will be help available. Focus on yourself and your children.

I don’t think I can fully express how affirming this is to hear. It’s not only the isolation in my relationship that’s painful, but the isolation I experience when I reach out for help too.
So thank you for understanding, I really appreciate it. I do feel completely neglected emotionally and physically. I struggle to even look at myself in the mirror because I know it’s another day I have to pretend everything’s okay, and it just is not x

Completely get you and tbh, it would not entirely surprise me, although it would hurt me. I just don’t think I have the energy to find out even more, I’m barely keeping it together x

Hi!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s incredibly tough. Please know that your feelings are valid, and your self-worth is not defined by this situation. It’s okay to seek support, even if it feels hard right now, and remember that you deserve love and respect. You're not alone, and things can get better with time and the right support.

No other practical suggestions, just wanted to wish you luck and hope you get the support you need to leave

I’m so sorry to hear your story. I thought my husband’s problem finished over 13 years ago….after months of creeping doubt and insecurities I found out this week that he is accessing porn again on his phone. No idea how long for or how extreme, I’m too scared to find out. Even the basic admission had to be forced out of him over days. I’ve now no idea who I’m married to. I’m absolutely shattered by the whole thing. I’m looking back over marriage with a sense of dread. Finding out that there are others in the same hellhole isn’t comforting as such but it does help me realise that it’s his problem to fix, not mine. I have a horrible feeling that he is unwilling to.

Just leave him. Not easy but necessary. Let’s face it, he’s messed up and he always will be no matter how much therapy he has , most likely. He’s neglected you for so long. Don’t waste the rest of your life on this loser.

I’m crying just reading your comment. Today is the first time that I’ve publicly acknowledged it. I never even knew that hat gaslighting was until I came on here and know that he’s been doing it to me for years. Thankyou for the supportive words. They mean a lot.

What a sad man. He will die a lonely old man with his c@ck in his hand.

It depends what he wants to do.

I don't think that's true - it's what the OP wants to do. He's voting with his hand - she's the one who needs to think about whether she can continue living like this.

OP, I've always thought that porn addiction is the combination of an addiction and infidelity - it's truly horrible. All of his thoughts, efforts and actions go into supporting his habit. He spends his time looking at, assessing, judging and wanking over other women. You are his wife and he ignores you. Not only that, he blames you for his behaviour - as if a woman texting her husband on a night out would lead to a normal man refusing sex forever as a result. Yet this has happened to him before, again and again. There's absolutely no hope for him.

He doesn't deserve your love. He really doesn't. He's ignored you for years. He's deliberately withheld affection for years. He knows how upset you've been and he's carried on doing it.

It's unforgiveable. I'm so sorry.

In addition to what’s been said, maybe counselling for yourself first. You might find that you don’t want to go back.
That’s what I’m planning/hoping to do.
(sorry if I’m putting my comments in the wrong place, I only joined today)

I hope I’m sending this to “Imaginariums”
I’ve only joined today and don’t know my way around but I just wanted say thankyou