Step-parenting a child whose mum struggles with addiction – need advice!

[TiaJade12]

Hello everyone,

My step-daughter is 9 and I’ve been in her life since she was 2. She’s a sweet, bright little girl, but I worry she’s carrying a lot of trauma. She has quite an anxious view of the world and tends to hold back from forming close bonds, which I feel may be due to fear of abandonment.

Her mum struggles with ketamine addiction and is very inconsistent with parenting. We have her on weekends alongside our two boys (my eldest is 10 and our youngest is 5), but she spends most of the week with my in-laws who’ve always been very involved in her care since she was a baby.

Her mum goes through periods where things seem to improve, she’ll be engaged and present for a while but sadly, she often falls back into the same patterns. She regularly cancels plans and frequently asks my in-laws to keep my step-daughter with them instead. We can all see how hurt she gets when her mum lets her down but we’re torn between wanting to protect her and still supporting her bond with her mum.

We’ve decided to go for custody with the support of my in-laws but we want to handle it as gently as possible. We don’t want my step-daughter to feel she’s being taken away from her mum and vice versa, we’re very aware that this is sensitive on both sides.

She clearly loves her mum and clings to the good moments, but we’re seeing the emotional damage this is causing her.

Has anyone been through something similar? I’d be really grateful for any advice on how to help my step-daughter process all of this, and how to approach the custody situation in a way that’s both child-centred and compassionate. I’d also really appreciate any thoughts on how we can support her mum too, as we want to do what’s best for everyone involved.

Thanks so much for reading.

Does stepdaughter live with grandparents under a special guardianship order ? And is there a social worker involved at all? If so they would be well placed to offer support to your stepdaughter, her mom and yourselves in relation to this situation and any future plans around changes to custody.
Didn’t want to read and not comment as this is my area really, I manage a service which includes provisions to support children who are affected by parental substance or alcohol use. The service is a national initiative called ‘hidden harm’ and is commissioned in most areas. A Google search should direct you to your local service - that might be a good place to start as they will be able to offer advice and possibly take a referral. Sounds like you are doing a fantastic job and are putting your stepdaughters needs above all else ,also considering mom too and the support she obviously needs aswell - maybe mom needs to access treatment for her substance issues if not doing so already? It’s got to be something she wants to and is ready to do though. You are absolutely right though - the inconsistency from mom, cancelling plans may well be why she feels quite anxious, she may also be holding onto a lot of worry too, and feelings of guilt which a child of that age should not have to feel. Really important that boundaries are established with mom especially if she goes through frequent periods of addiction / sobriety / relapse - with all the best intentions by mom when she is sober - her relapses and disengagement are just causing more damage to her daughter
As for the legal / custody process I’m not too sure however someone will hopefully be able to advise around this :)

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and share your insight I really appreciate it. It’s so helpful to hear from someone with experience in this area.

To answer your question, no, my stepdaughter doesn’t live with her grandparents under a special guardianship order they’ve just always been very involved since birth and have been a constant fallback, which we’re grateful for as it’s helped keep her safe. However, they never challenge her mum or set boundaries which unfortunately means she’s able to pick her up and drop her as she pleases.

Social services were involved once about 3 years ago after her mum was admitted to hospital several times but no ongoing support was offered. Her mum has also been offered rehab on several occasions but hasn’t committed to it so far.

Thank you for telling me about Hidden Harm I hadn’t heard of it before but I’ll definitely look into it tomorrow. It sounds like something that could offer much needed support for everyone involved.

I do really worry about how all of this is going to affect her into adulthood, she’s already holding onto so much that she shouldn’t have to carry at her age. We just want to do our best, give her a safe and stable home and make sure she never feels abandoned.

Thanks again for your kind words and encouragement!

You’re welcome no worries at all If you are struggling to find the service just google young persons drug and alcohol support for your area and give the provider a call as it will usually be them who provide hidden harm support. They will also be able to give some advice around other local services who could provide the family and step daughter with support and guidance to help you to navigate this situation. I think if grandparents aren’t able to set boundaries with mom, even with their best intentions, it is causing emotional harm to your stepdaughter, it is good that they are on board with everything though and sounds like you can provide her with that safe and consistent home that she obviously needs right now. How would mom feel about you taking over custody?