Support for partners of addicts

[Seagull72]

Hi all,

My partner has a cocaine habit. He was very open about it when we first met and told me it was one of the factors that caused his previous relationship to break down. He said he was still using, but less than before.
As someone who came of age in the 90s and was heavily into the rave scene, I'm not naive about drugs. Cocaine use was widespread among my friends, although it never did much for me.
We entered into a relationship and have been together for 18 months, long distance. When he stays with me, he smokes weed but doesn't take cocaine. I knew he was still doing it when back in his town, but thought it was once every week or two.
However, for the last month I have been staying with him where he lives and have realised his problem is worse than I thought. It's not every day, but it can be several times a week. It seems to be triggered by the environment and the people around him.
This has radically changed my feelings about the relationship. We had been talking about buying a place together, but obviously I have now shelved this idea and told him so. I'm not about to leave yet as there is a lot of good stuff, but clearly I can't commit long term while this is still a factor.
The positives are that he's not in denial, doesn't hide when he does it or lie about it and wants to stop. He's looking into hypnotherapy and coming around to the idea of meetings. I think it's likely he has undiagnosed ADHD and is self-medicating, so I have encouraged him to get a test.

Anyway, I'm not looking for advice on whether to stay or go. I've already thought that through and have firm boundaries in place. However, I would be very grateful for advice on support for partners of addicts i.e. forums, books, meetings etc.

Many thanks in advance.

Hi, I don’t think there’s much in the way of support for partners, I’ve looked into AlAnon but either I don’t know where to look or they’re not particularly active in the UK.

I’ve found most of my information online and there’s a lot of content on TT too. I can’t lie though, the “partners of addicts” content is kinda miserable and I didn’t relate to it much.

Class A People is very ADHD focused and I found it helpful in understanding my partner. If you think he has ADHD he needs to get on the assessment list asap, it’s incredibly long. My partner is waiting for reassessment (diagnosed in childhood) and even through rehab the waiting is 2+ years.

Thanks so much! What is TT?
I know waits for ADHD tests are long - he could afford a private test, so I'll keep nudging him.

@Seagull72 sorry, it’s TikTok! She’s also on Spotify if you’d rather just hear the podcast. I haven’t been following as much now because we’re doing well but I found it really helpful when my partner relapsed because I had 0 knowledge in the subject, really. I do have a relative with addiction issues, but not exclusively cocaine like my partner (who doesn’t even smoke).

Hi CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) was a spinoff from AlAnon with a recognition of some common personality traits associated with people tolerating addictive behaviours in close relationships. There are loads of groups. Also interestingly codependence is at the root of a lot of addictive behaviours too. I've my own issues but have found it helpful. I hope that helps!

Thank you x
I did find the CoDa group, but don't think that's an factor in our relationship.

Hi to add to your response, codependence isn't a factor in any one particular relationship per se, but it's a condition that was originally (I think, please don't quote me) identified that is something the partners of addicts especially suffer from - and as I say, frequently addicts themselves too.

I'm horrifically codependent myself! You don't need an addict partner or an addiction yourself to be one :-) but it's mighty common in those groups.